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This is a question Food sex

Tell us your tales of your custard fetish and the rash you got from a bottle of HP sauce. Because we've ALL had a cucumber stuck up our chuff at least once in our lives.

(Question from MissUnexpectedNuttering)

(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 13:50)
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Twix of Doom
My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my auntie’s boss. We had a nice time there, wandering around the priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was on the horizon.

“Would you eat something out of me?” she asked one evening.

I confess I was rather bewildered and wondered what she could mean: A banana? Some chocolate? A pie? I suggested these things and she decided that a Twix would be a good idea.

The next morning we walked to the local Spar shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe put it into the freezer for a while so that it wouldn’t melt in a flash (amongst other things) and she agreed.

“I’m ready,” she said late that evening. She went upstairs before me while I retrieved the Twix from the freezer, following in her footsteps moments later. When I reached the bedroom she had already undressed and was lying on the bed, her legs apart. For a moment I wondered how I was going to do this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one finger in or both of them? I didn’t want to ask as I felt this would just make her nervous and would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to insert a single finger and opened the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen of condensation having been in the freezer all day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I tested it.

“This is going to be cold,” I warned before introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid inside and I left about an inch of it sticking out. For a moment I looked at the rather ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me, before bending down and biting off about half of the exposed finger of Twix.

Without warning the whole thing vanished inside her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled, wondering what I should do. I didn’t think it would be The Done Thing to prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a moment.

And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin the sheets – which, after all, were not ours – I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my hand quickly filled and I was then forced to consider what I was going to do with a hand full of rather hot melted Twix as I could hardly say “just crimp yourself off, love – I need to go and wash my hand”, so screwing my eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my other one was slowly filling.

Then, just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely, eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and caramel, like an albino penis. I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate, quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary genital deluge to stop.

I don’t think I’ve eaten a Twix since.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 18:21, 29 replies)
for the win.

Nicely written - I found myself imagining the whole bloody thing!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 18:45, closed)

definitely have a way with the prose my friend
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 18:49, closed)

(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 23:57, closed)
Fucking brilliant
... and, oddly, beautifully told!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 18:51, closed)
^^^^ what they all said
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 19:05, closed)
well done
have a click
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 19:28, closed)
This is fucking disgusting
and also most excellent!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 19:44, closed)
very much like that story, although I'll maybe think twice before selecting that particular confectionary again... Presumably you didn't offer her the other finger. So to speak...
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 19:49, closed)

*clicks until his mouse asplodes*
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 20:17, closed)
A pie?
My issus thought I was laughing at Mock the week, I wasn't. Clicky.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 21:18, closed)
beautifully told
you should write a book....maybe not featuring twixes though!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 21:37, closed)
Dear lord
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 21:59, closed)
is going on the best of page.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2009, 23:48, closed)
Crimping made me do a downright loud guffaw
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 1:21, closed)
At least you ate it properly...
Chocolate and caramel first, saving the erm... "albino penis" for last.

Oh, and you can have a *click* for "sugary genital deluge"
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 1:42, closed)
A good early giggle.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 6:22, closed)
This has to win!
Excellent story. I'm not going to bother reading any more, as this can't be beaten.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 8:20, closed)
Like a vag with diaoreah

(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 8:49, closed)
I cried, so I hope it's true ;) Voted.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 9:08, closed)
made my morning
so have a click
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 9:26, closed)
Had me Laughing like a loon that did.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 10:38, closed)
you shit
That's just brought a memory i'd successfully repressed for 15 years all the way back from the depths of my subconscious. And there isn't enough mindbleach in the world to make it go away again.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 11:36, closed)
This is
brilliant. Gross, but brilliant. My thanks for the officelol!
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 12:50, closed)
Did she enjoy it though?

Shoulda stuck the other finger up her arse, i'm thinking.

That must be the only reason why there are two thin fingers, rather than one thicker one.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:13, closed)
sweet jesus!
i'm wiping away tears of laughter as i type
(, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 1:52, closed)
fantastic - have a click!!
(, Sat 8 Aug 2009, 21:44, closed)
ever happened to the caramel?
(, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 11:59, closed)
in my mind this is a bit like the scene in jurassic park
where the cow is lowered into the raptor pen

(, Tue 11 Aug 2009, 21:19, closed)
What was her name? I've often tried eating a twix so that only the biscuit was left, and never managed it. Now I know the technique I just need to find her and her incredible twix stripping gash :)
(, Wed 12 Aug 2009, 11:52, closed)

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