NEWSLETTER: "RINGO WASN'T EVEN THE BEST CUMMER IN THE BEATLES"
This Week:
* IMAGES - Toilets with threatening auras
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - Typo Websites
* FILLER - Your 'Sisters of Mercy drum machine name'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the Lego
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | cards from Sainsburys
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| coz the kids like them"
B3ta electro fax 694 - 14 Septemberry 2018
Read this issue crying in your cryo-chamber:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue694
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: CHEDDAR MAN
A movie by Eric aged 5
Kung_Fu_Russ writes, "Just something a bit
daft. I made an animation following my 5 year
old boy's script and direction...Please feel
free to share and stuff because the little
bugger keeps asking me how many people have
seen it."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheddar_Man_A_movie_by_...
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Other names Denny Laine considered before joining Wings:
* Alan Rigby
* Dave Tripper
* Laddy Madonna
* Barry Thatweight
* Chas Onion
* Lenny Bee
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1040548428437...
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: ONE HOUR OF PUTIN A THE PHOTOCOPIER
If that's what you want, then watch
Ronseal work from Largoembargo.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/live_Putin_at_the_photo...
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What kind of sugar actually tastes salty?
Alan.
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: GO OUT AND WATCH "MR. JOLLY LIVES NEXT DOOR"
But in Bristol. Sorry.
B3ta chum John Rain writes, "Doing a Mr. Jolly
screening in Bristol that could use a plug!"
Rowland Rivron (legendary comedian and
co-writer) will be in a 30 minute conversation
with John Rain too. And probably prop up the
bar afterwards.
https://www.everymancinema.com/bristol/film-info/_...
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: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
Patreon ad thingie
Ed does media relations that actually works.
Give him a tinkle.
https://www.ezpr.com/
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Bill Haley's Rock Around The Clock and the Happy
Monday's 24 Hour Party People are thematically
the same song. Hashtag makeuthink.
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: WHAT'S YOUR SISTERS OF MERCY DRUM MACHINE NAME?
Honorific / Sounds of nature
Use the first letter of your first and last
name to find your own 'Doktor Avalanche' name.
A: Baron A: Rock Going 'Kerplunk'
B: Brother B: Big Puddle Sploosh
C: Chancellor C: Thunder Rumbles
D: King D: Leaves Rustling
E: Dentist E: Lighting Crackles
F: Duke F: Thunder Crack
G: Earl G: Seagull Squawk
H: His Eminence H: Frog Croaking
I: His Holiness I: Tree Falling
J: Lord J: Windy
K: Marquess K: Gentle Breeze
L: Medic L: Hailstones
M: Nurse M: Bees Buzzing
N: Physician N: Rain On A Crisp Bag
O: Professor O: Cat Fight
P: Quack P: Meow
Q: Rabbi Q: Raining Cats And Dogs
R: Reverend R: Barking
S: Sharif S: Tectonic Shift
T: Sir T: Traffic Noise
U: Surgeon U: Drunk People Shouting
V: The Reverend V: Dog Farting
W: Right Hon W: Solar Noise
X: Vice-Chancellor X: Volcano
Y: Viscount Y: Earthquake
Z: Royal Highness Z: Sizzling BBQ
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We're not stupid enough to vote for Brexit. It
won't happen.
America isn't stupid enough to vote for Trump. It
won't happen.
The Government isn't stupid enough to fall out of
the EU with no deal. It won't happen.
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: MEANING OF GIFF
Towns redefined for web 1.0
* CATCLIFFE - 1: Theoretical upper limit of
kitten pictures on the Internet. 2: Any
unfathomably large number, probably not
infinity. (Smallbrainfield)
* BAFFINS - The confusion of staying in a
modern flat on AIRBnB and you don't know how to
turn the lights on because everything is an
app. (rob)
* TUESNOAD (N) - An accidental like that lets
everyone know *exactly* what you’ve spent the
last 15 minutes searching for. See also
Tadnoll - an unfocused tab accidentally left in
a browser screenshot that does the same thing.
(chthonic)
Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/themeaningofgiff
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: TROUSER BROWSER AROUSER
Patreon ad thingie
If you have legs please buy some some trousers.
Also they are now selling shoes for your feet.
https://hebtro.co/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
"Age gap shag"
"She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque
angled features and a body not ruined by giving
birth to her son, my friend, who we shall call
Abel.
"Outside a kebab shop at Canon Circus,
Nottingham, she recognized me from Rock City,
as I had spent the night getting hideously
drunk with her son. We chatted, and, as is
customary in town at 2.30 am early sunday,
swiftly got down to tongue-exchange, much to
the joy of horn-blowing passing taxis. 'Come
with me' she purred,and gestured down Ilkeston
Road, where she resided, 'spend the night'. I
considered this proposition, weighed it against
the fresh, satisfying prospect of eating the
kebab I had just purchased...the kebab was
binned. I was careful to inform her of this
sacrifice. 'Thats romantic', she said demurely,
and seemingly without irony.
"A night of passion ensued, for about thirty
minutes, whereabouts the booze took hold and I
passed out, still in the process of a second
run, a process akin to stuffing a marshmallow
in a piggy-bank. In the morning, I hastily
dressed and left, happy that her teeth were
still in her mouth, not swimming in a bed-side
jar.
"For fear of Abel's revenge, I kept away from
him and avoided Rock City for several weeks,
until in a fit of Thunderbird Red-inspired
courage, I ventured in. Instantly, I saw Abel,
he saw me, and a game of cat and mouse ensued,
ducking through the crowds, down corridors and
stairwells to avoid the chunky thug. Then, just
as I thought I was safe, he cornered me by the
Gents, pushed me against the wall, pulled his
head back ready to butt...then kissed me full
on the lips and said, in an infantile
voice...'Daddy'" (trumplefahrt)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/cougars/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Signs of the apocalypse
Here's the best images from last week:
* JOBSWORTH TWAT - from Monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11265676
* The Magic Roundabout - from funkenstein.
http://b3ta.com/board/11265679
* SINKING SHIP ETC ETC - from Ya What.
http://b3ta.com/board/11265635
See all the other images from the 'Signs of the
apocalypse' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/signsoftheapocalypse
>> This week: Typo Websites <<
We're clumsily typing urls and seeing what lols
we get this week. Misspell your favourite
websites and photoshop the imagined results.
Show us what b4ta, Feddit, and Yapoo might look
like (actually skip that last one).
http://b3ta.com/challenge/typowebsites
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: FRIDAY GAME
The Sierpinski Zoom Game
This will fuck your eyes up. Rules: blank
screen = bad; lines on screen = good; move
cursor to make good.
https://cutelifebot.github.io/sierpinski/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* TOILETS WITH THREATENING AURAS - probably the
best named Twitter account you've seen this
week and will doubtless inspire Xerox-dogs.
https://twitter.com/scarytoilet
* MINI DAILY MAIL THING - Dr Dunno writes
"Darren Cullen's mini Daily Mail is awesome.
Have you done that before? This man is a
genius. This piece is critical, satirical and
piss-arse funny. A mini Daily Mail, hand drawn
to perfection, satirising everything you hate
about the Daily Mail, from the Littlejohn
column ("the real racists are the people
calling me racist for being racist") to the
Diana supplement ("The Enemy Within" -
highlighting the hypocrisy of the Daily Mail's
deification of someone who stood up against
everything they believe). Every page contains
a zinger, from the ads to the cartoons, that
I'd have been proud of on its own, let alone as
part of a wider project. He's kickstarting it
at the moment."
https://www.spellingmistakescostlives.com/dailymai...
* 10 HOURS OF "SORRY" THEME TUNE - comments
include "my favorite moment is 6:15:28 didn't
see that coming!", "This is my wife and my
favourite music to make love to. Only problem
is that the music ends before I do, could I get
an 11 hour version please?" and "needs to be a
bit longer next time, please. Quite
frustrating."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* THE WAY SCI-FI NERDS USED TO BE FEATURED ON
TV IN THE 70s - spotted by Matt Round. The
amazing nerds being nerds and casual sexism of
the presenter is quite something.
https://twitter.com/BBCArchive/status/103842673554...
* HOW PICTURE EDITORS REPRESENTED THE INTERNET
IN THE 90s - "I enjoyed Mr Biffo's 90s Internet
article" informs Monkeon.
https://www.digitiser2000.com/main-page/14-ways-ou...
* SHIT QUIZ - can you tell which animal shitted
it out? Sound recommended.
https://www.rspb.org.uk/fun-and-learning/for-famil...
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: WHAT'S YOUR SISTERS OF MERCY GUITARIST NAME?
Retro working class bloke name / Marxist (ish)
Use the first letters of your first and surname
to find your own 'Gary Marx' name.
A: Alan A: Trotsky
B: Barry B: Lenin
C: Clive C: Stalin
D: Colin D: Engels
E: Dean E: Gramsci
F: Dennis F: Guevara
G: Derek G: Chi Minh
H: Gareth H: Marx
I: Gerald I: Luxemburg
J: Gordon J: Zedong
K: Graham K: Gorbachev
L: Howard L: Castro
M: Keith M: Zedong
N: Kevin N: Il-sung
O: Martin O: Milošević
P: Neil P: Khrushchev
Q: Nigel Q: Brezhnev
R: Norman R: Chernenko
S: Brian S: Corbyn
T: Raymond T: Foot
U: Roger U: Kinnock
V: Ronald V: Miliband
W: Roy W: McCluskey
X: Wayne X: Balls
Y: Tony Y: Umunna
Z: Trevor Z: Toynbee
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: OH SHIT IT'S GOASTE CORNER
Back from the grave and we're not sorry
Beddoes writes, "Is accidental goatse corner
still a thing? If so, I just ran across an
accidental lady-goatse that made me miss my
stop on the tube. Before you get too filled
with trepidation about the link below, it's
perfectly safe."
https://twitter.com/lidhelmets/status/100612898442...
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
Sentences from the world's finest journalists
* "Author of 'How to Murder Your Husband'
Charged With Murdering Her Husband"
(mediaite.com)
* "I Escaped A Shark By Punching It In The
Gills (The Times)
* "Beat The Meatles" (New York Post)
Compiled by Scaryduck
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make some bollocks and tell us. E.g.
* A OUIJA BOARD FOR ROBOTS - with only zero and
one on it.
* HEADLINE MASHER - Dan Bull writes "a little
game I like playing where I look at the top
headlines... take the first part of one and the
second part of another. Today I got 'Avril
Lavigne injured in giraffe attack'
* PORN - we've looked everywhere for it and
can't find ANY on the internet.
Send your shite to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & Gary Fuckcheese. Stuff
from christhebarker, Artifus, Delay Tactics,
Ohidunno Joke from smallbrainfield. Why not add
another?
http://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke
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: PATREON THANKS
You lovely people
*STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
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TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
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Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
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Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
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Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
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of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
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Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
Bounds, Stéphane.
Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
https://mastodon.social/@b3ta
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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TOP TIP:
Fool people into thinking you've got an
E-cigarette by standing in a doorway & blowing
sherbet out of a biro. (sandettie light vessel
automatic)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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