What would you say if you discovered that God was really a Fish?
“Holy Mackerel!”
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Sun 23 Mar 2025, 3:35, Reply)

Knock knock
Zoo's where?
Next right and listen for the elephants
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sun 23 Mar 2025, 0:47, Reply)

- knock knock
- who's there?
- unresting death, a whole day nearer now
( vladimir, Sat 22 Mar 2025, 23:37, Reply)

Trying to reclaim watch market share from Apple, some Swiss makers came up with a mechanical timepiece that includes an automata of a South American bird that whistled Lady in Red. Sadly no one wanted a
Wrist Rhea
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sat 22 Mar 2025, 18:11, Reply)

Where would you find a South American bird eating Italian food?
In a Pizza Rhea
( executiverocker only wears C&A, Sat 22 Mar 2025, 15:22, Reply)

Why did the blacksmith quit his job fitting horseshoes?
He was lacktoes intolerant
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 20 Mar 2025, 3:25, Reply)

What animal species do women love the most?
Horse Cock.
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Mon 17 Mar 2025, 3:18, 2 replies, latest was 2 days ago)

Somebody asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was.
It was a complete guess but I was right.
(Doktor SKAGRA, Fri 14 Mar 2025, 21:28, 4 replies, latest was 6 days ago)

Solong, and tanks* for all the fish

* full of jet fuel and/or sodium cyanide
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Wed 12 Mar 2025, 15:27, Reply)

When did Mr. Fantastic and Stretch Armstrong fall in love at the gym?
It was when they spotted each other from across the room!
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Wed 12 Mar 2025, 3:56, 2 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

Which Hollywood actress makes her own clothes?
Sigourney Weaver
( Octo I ruin everything., Tue 11 Mar 2025, 20:02, 2 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

The cast of Pirates of the Caribbean relaxed between takes with a friendly model-building competition. Quality and ability varied but they all agreed that when it came to custom builds of Italian kits they all admired the
Depp ESCI mods
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Mon 10 Mar 2025, 21:02, Reply)

What do you call Dave Gahan and Martin Gore dressed in mohair jackets, sitting on a Roundel-emblazoned Lambretta scooter?
Depeche Mods
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Mon 10 Mar 2025, 10:43, 2 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

The Chop
So I said to Rob, ‘Would you like to have your head cut off?’
He looked at me and blinked. ‘What did you say?
I sighed. ‘Would you like to have your head cut off? Be decapitated. Beheaded!
He smiled uneasily. ‘Not… really?’
‘Why not?’
‘Won’t I die?’
‘Not necessarily. Oh go on, Rob - come and have your head chopped off! It’s fun!
He looked uncertain. ‘Won’t it hurt?’
‘I have to admit, it will sting a bit. But not for long.’
He sat back in his chair, considering. ‘Well…’
‘I had it done and I’m okay,’ I lied cheerfully. ‘It’s mint fun!’
‘Is it?’
‘It is! Come on, Rob. Let’s go and get your head chopped off! It’ll be a great laugh!’
‘Well… okay then.’
‘Right.’ I stood up. ‘Come with me to the basement.’
He followed me to the lift and down we went. I tried not to smirk too hard. Only one of us would be coming back up.
The low-ceilinged basement smelt of oil and was strewn with junk - old radiators, shopping trolleys, boxes of this and that. At one end the guillotine had been set up, and either side of it stood the executioners.
‘Alright chaps?’ I called as we approached.
‘Alright,’ they responded. ‘Alright.’
We stopped in front of the guillotine. Rob’s face looked pale and sweaty in the grubby yellow fluorescent light.
‘Right, what you do, is put your neck on there -’ I pointed ‘- then the blade comes down, chops your head off, and it drops into that basket there.’
Rob gazed at the basket, blinked, and swallowed.
‘Come on, get on with it, I’ve got a meeting in five!’
Rob gulped. ‘I - I think I’ve changed my mind.’
‘What, are you scared? Chicken! Yellow chicken!’
The two executioners made derisive chicken movements with their arms. ‘Buuuk buk-buk-buk buuuuuk!’
Rob shuffled hesitantly forwards.
I gave him a shove. ‘Right, the only question now is, do you lie face up so you can see the blade coming, or face down so you don’t? Up to you.’
‘Face - face down,’ he gurgled.
‘Okey doke.’ I helped him into position and locked the lunette in place.
I stepped back. ‘Okay lads!’
The blade descended with an efficient, oiled swish and landed with a satisfying thunk. Rob’s head dropped into the basket, making it wobble slightly.
I bent down and picked up the head by the ears. It was surprisingly heavy. I gazed into the now-lifeless eyes, to be met by his habitual confused, bemused expression. He looked in death exactly as he did in life.
I spat into his dead face. ‘You stupid fucking cunt.’ Then I drop-kicked the bonce into a far corner of the basement.
I dusted my hands together. ‘Right, lads, you know what to do. Into the mincer wth the remains. Pint later?
‘Yeah,’ replied the executioners. ‘Sounds good.’
‘Laters, then.’
I walked back to the lift and was in time for my meeting.
(Doktor SKAGRA, Sun 9 Mar 2025, 17:43, 12 replies, latest was 1 week ago)

Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Don.
Don who?
Don you want to wear a suit?
(Springbreak777, Fri 7 Mar 2025, 7:24, 4 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

Why did Trump bring a ladder to the Zelensky meeting?
He had been hearing it was gonna be high stakes - and he still couldn't get to the truth.
(Springbreak777, Fri 7 Mar 2025, 7:23, 3 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)

What is a role-playing gamer's favourite part of b3ta?
Quest of the Week
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Thu 6 Mar 2025, 7:59, Reply)

What did b3ta say to the horse?
nothing
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 6 Mar 2025, 3:33, Reply)

I've been watching a lot of porn recently. Like a lot and it's interfering with my relationships and job. Really serious.
You could say I've got a bonafide addiction.
(dyllon nice beaver., Wed 5 Mar 2025, 23:15, Reply)

What's a mollusc's favourite part of b3ta?
Question of the Whelk!!!!
(Smegg Wallace The O.G. Q.R., Wed 5 Mar 2025, 15:19, Reply)

What is a pig's favourite section of b3ta.com?
Question of the WEEEEEEEEEEEEK
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Wed 5 Mar 2025, 12:43, Reply)

The application of musical scales in football coaching in New Orleans
by T. Lasso, Fammy Reydeaux
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Tue 4 Mar 2025, 20:55, 1 reply, 3 weeks ago)

Why was M annoyed by James Bond's death on a Friday?
She wanted him to die another day.
( Octo I ruin everything., Sun 2 Mar 2025, 8:07, 2 replies, latest was 3 weeks ago)

I met a bloke travelling who had some sort of locally broadcast morning podcast about Admiral Akbar
muslims are really into star wars
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 27 Feb 2025, 3:28, Reply)

Fun Things to Pay a Prostitute for
by P. Sonya Face
(littlemix link in bio ❤️🌟❤️, Wed 26 Feb 2025, 10:00, 3 replies, latest was 4 weeks ago)

Deadnaming Celebrities
by Miss Jen Dering
(littlemix link in bio ❤️🌟❤️, Wed 26 Feb 2025, 9:59, Reply)

"I recently caught a particularly virulent STD after shagging a prostitute in a park in London. Somewhere near Chiswick, I think.
"Turnham Green?"
"Probably. Can't remember the park though."
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 25 Feb 2025, 18:12, Reply)

Which member of Depeche Mode doesn't consume animal products?
Davegahan.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory katsu revival trust, Tue 25 Feb 2025, 8:11, Reply)

Communications in the Vatican have been updated to the 20th century, papal bulls are now issued by the
Pontiff fax
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Sun 23 Feb 2025, 19:28, 6 replies, latest was 4 weeks ago)

What do horses like in soup?
some corn some hay
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Wed 19 Feb 2025, 14:10, Reply)