NEWSLETTER: "TIME TO DRINK THE KOOL-AID B3TANS, THE AUTHORITIES ARE ONTO US"
This Week:
* MAN CHESTS - that look like human faces
* PHOTOS - that move just like real-life
* PUBS - mapped to nearest tube station
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting out an
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ASCII newsletter
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| in 2019 - hooray!"
B3ta e-postcard 721 - 04 Aug 2019
Alexa, read the B3ta newsletter in a hexy voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue721
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Article idea: can a journalist go to Eton and ask
the 5th years "who's the biggest cunt in class?"
so we can find out who'll be PM in 2050?
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious stains
>> Men with chests for faces <<
I124nk8 has been "photoshopping celebrity
chests onto their faces. Simple as that.
Started with Piers Morgan and Mick Hucknall and
it’s gone from there. Thanks to b3ta my google
search history consists of mostly shirtless
men. Thank goodness I use incognito and a VPN.
It's a combination of hauntingly beautiful and
haunting."
https://twitter.com/chestfaces
>> Photos that move <<
Drivelsieve has been making photographs jiggle
and it's his sound effects that really them
come alive. It's like if Terry Gilliam was
still alive. Oh he IS still alive? It's like
Terry Gilliam hadn't become an old man shouting
at clouds and still remembered that the point
was to deliver some gags.
https://youtu.be/k5yCWhi0KUE
>> Man tit cancer play <<
Hagbardsapple writes, "A couple of years ago, I
was diagnosed with breast cancer. As part of
the most middle-class-fallilng-on-my-feet thing
ever, I got better and wrote a comedy drama for
Radio 4, loosely based on the experience. Oh,
and in this version of events, my tumour is a
tiny Nigel Farage."
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0006snf
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Real Headlines That Are Funny If You Know 80s Bands
Mayor Says New Order Is 'Punishing' Dogs
District Line: No Place For The Cure
'Disabled badge' Driver Mows Down Flock Of
Seagulls In Taunton
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: BILL DRUMMOND NEWS - "BEST BEFORE DEATH"
UK cinema release tickets on sale now.
Selected screenings will be accompanied by a
performance Bill Drummond of the play WHITE
SAVIOUR COMPLEX.
https://www.picturehouses.com/film/best-before-dea...
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Shout out to the Telegraph caption writer who
recently captioned a photo "Heterosexual actor
Tom Cruise at the New York premiere of The Mummy
earlier this year."
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember websites? Nah, us neither
* NEAREST PUB, TUBE MAP - Alcoholics! Finally
you can find out where to get a pint after a
booze-free ride on the tube. Actually the thing
alco-fans would really like to know is, where
is the nearest place to get a drink after 11pm.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CasualUK/comments/cefrwe/...
* EMOJI MASH UP BOT - cute idea to expand the
emotions we're able to communicate online by
randomly mixing up emoji. Hooray for Duplo
Newspeak.
https://twitter.com/EmojiMashupBot/status/11525627...
* UNREALISTIC TROMBONE SIMULATOR - Seen a few
popup-based toys recently, such as this
trombone. Won't work on smartphones, because
Steve Jobs removed everything fun from the
mobile internet.
https://matthewrayfield.com/goodies/popup-trombone...
* CYRIAK DOES VIDEO - the B3tan diaspora
continues to make the internet a weirder place:
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BRING THE BEAT BACK - Harry Connick Jr
seamlessly adds an extra beat to get the
audience clapping the right way. Remarkable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SINISTER SINGING DOLL - this is the most
accurate depiction of the inside of our heads
yet produced:
https://b3ta.com/links/CRUMAR
* AI DRAWING APP - sketch out a quick landscape
in blobs and HAL does the rest.
http://nvidia-research-mingyuliu.com/gaugan
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Jarvis Cocker should team up Stelios and open one
of those "Easy" companies, but for putting public
lavatories in the high street. Sorted for
EasyWizz.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Realistic tire simulator
You're a rubber ring rolling down a hill. How
fast can you go before you get tire-d.
https://mindboiler.itch.io/rollhill
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If product placement happened in books: Fermat's
Last Rolo
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Political Sitcoms
Here's the best images from last week:
* "AND ANOTHER THING, THERESA, I THOUGHT AN
IRISH BACKSTOP MEANT WEARING TWO CONDOMS. YOU
KNOW. TO BE SURE, TO BE SURE" - (cumquat may)
http://b3ta.com/board/11291976
* ORDER! ORDER! MINE'S A DOUBLE! - (plankton)
http://b3ta.com/board/11291983
* !!!! - (Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11292020
* See all the other images from the 'Political
Sitcoms' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/politicalsitcoms/popula...
>> This week: Summer Special <<
It's the Summer holidays so put on your
swimsuit, roll out a beach towel and photoshop
your favourite films, tv shows and pop stars
doing Summery stuff.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/summerspecial
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It's fascinating how much imperial measurements
live on:
40" TV
12" laptop
12" pizza
40" jeans
70mph speed limit
1/8th of weed
8 stone weakling
6 foot tall
Pint of beer / milk
3" penis (just us then)
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: FOLLOW-UPS
Updates on previous stories
* GOODBYE THERESA MAY BOT - your editor writes,
"It was meant to last 3 days and I was stuck
with it for over two years."
https://twitter.com/theresaresigned/status/1154014...
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Congratulations to Alan Turning. Finally we can
all £50 an "alan"
"Have you SEEN the price of the new iPhones?! I'm
not chunking down twenty alans for phone"
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Like some kind of attention seeking cunt
* JARVIS COCKER BOT - Are cunts still running
the world? YES.
* OTHER PHRASES THAT WAKE UP ALEXA - Did you
know that "my legs hurt" works just as well as
"Alexa" for waking up Amazon's home bugging
device?
* PAPERBOY THE TEXT ADVENTURE - North *you go
up the path* Insert paper *you insert paper
into letterbox* South *You go down the path*
East *You're in front of No 12* etc
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The Dog Plan Diet. Eat what you like but looking
into the eyes of a dog who's going "looks good -
can I have a bit?"
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Also thanks to Monkeon, HappyToast, Sn0tters &
Matt Round.
Please bung us your cash or fuck off:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
