NEWSLETTER: "WANT TO FEEL OLD? CATCH SIGHT OF YOUR OWN FACE REFLECTED IN THE LAPTOP SCREEN MID WANK"
This Week:
* SUNSETS - And how to find them
* VAMPIRES - More concentrated in the south UK
* DEEP FAKES - Uk politics blah blah blah
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're chewing up bits of
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | paper and wanging them at
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the ceiling... together"
B3ta electronic e-mail 723 - 16th Aug 2019
Read this issue whilst sticking your tongue out:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue723
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making lots of poo and wee. Hooray!
>> Work Reply Soundboard <<
In a professional setting it can be hard to
find the right words to get across your
emotional reaction to requests & feedback, so
Matt Round has built this tool to help. Our
review? "Fine."
https://vole.wtf/work-reply-soundboard/
>> Deep Fake Jacob Rees-Mogg <<
Shardcore writes, "been tinkering with some
deepfakery...Jacob Rees-Mogg and The Child
Catcher from Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang." There's
also plenty of information in the blog post on
how to do it yourself. BTW: TV commissioning
types who are obviously commissioning a Deep
Fakes comedy show as we type - remember to
spend the money on writing rather than the
tech. The tech isn't expensive. Good writing
is.
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2019/08/15...
>> Sunset webcam finder <<
Monkeon writes, "Webcams are relaxing to watch,
as are sunrises and sunsets. To combine the
two, I've made a list of 100 webcams from
around the world and then used the
sunrise-sunset.org API to flag up those which
are broadcasting a sunrise or sunset at this
very moment." Zambia's the best one we've seen,
as you get a firefly light show at dusk.
https://monkeon.co.uk/sunrisesearch/
>> What percent of the UK are vampires? <<
Matt Round has also used Google Surveys to
generate statistically significant data about
werewolves and vampires. People in London are
more likely to think of themselves as vampires
- and empirically we suspect the rest of the
country would agree.
https://vole.wtf/they-walk-among-us/
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Location & kissing - a guide
French kiss: w/ tongues
Glasgow kiss: w/ forehead
Australian kiss: much like a French kiss, only
down-under.
New Zealand kiss: like a Australian kiss, down
under and round a bit. Rimming.
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: BOOK RECOMMENDATION
The Ministry of Truth: A Biography of George
Orwell's 1984
This week we've been mostly reading Dorian
Lynskey's book on Orwell's Nineteen
Eighty-Four. Best bit? Still laughing at HG
Wells falling out with Orwell over Orwell
characterising Wells' work in a limited way and
Wells writing to him "Read my early works, you
shit" So Alan Partridge.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07L365W...
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What idiot called this Utah Saints' K Bush
sampling hit 'Something Good' instead of "Are You
On 1 Katie?"
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by bastards who don't post on B3ta
* DAILY MAIL RANDOM GENERATOR - Some cunt put
this code together to generate fake headlines
and the accompanying articles. It's scary how
well it works.
https://daily-fail-generator.herokuapp.com/
* JAPANESE MONEY INTERACTIVE - Simple game
where you have to pay for things with Japanase
money and try and get as little change in coins
as possible. Maybe it was because we worked in
bars, when younger, and enjoyed all that
overpaying to make the change neat, that we
found this utterly compelling.
https://wendal.itch.io/japanese-money-simulator
* GORBACHEV'S PIZZA HUT AD - a ridiculous ad
from the recent past featuring the ex USSR
premier chomping down on the delicious cheese
of capitalism.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* MAN DUETS "POSTMAN PAT" WITH KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
- Comedy is an elusive thing, pretty sure this
wouldn't sound funny if you read it as a script
but it's extraordinarily good.
https://b3ta.com/links/George_Cottier_is_Back
* GAME SOUNDTRACK DOWNLOADS - Stuff your phone
with a load of MP3s from old games and pretend
you're Mario whilst jumping on fungus & walking
the dog in the local murder park.
https://downloads.khinsider.com/
* CREEPY MAN GOES "GARDENING" - someone is a
fan of NosyBonk we think.
https://b3ta.com/links/Quintens_been_gardening
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Spices
Cumin?
Yes I will thank you
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Send us some shit and we'll link it (maybe)
* WAR ON HASHTAGS - A bot that monitors which
hashtags Tory politicians are using and
immediately switches to posting sweaty dicks on
them. Yes it would get banned in minutes. Might
need the Russian Bot Army to do it, so there's
new bots created as fast as they're deleted.
Get to work comrades.
* RINGO DRUM MACHINE - noticed that there's no
photos of the Beatles' drummer playing an
electronic drum machine. So please make an art
project where an animatronic Starr plays a real
drum kit. Whilst we have a wank.
* ABBA ROAD - With the Abbey Road anniversary
we went to play the LP and typed "Ab" and it
auto-suggested ABBA and we thought "there's a
mashup idea for someone". Benny Lane. Job done.
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What's the difference between USA and USB?
One has a white lead and never seems to be the
correct way round, the other is an industry
standard for cables.
Read some jokes or write your own:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
Mediamasters Podcast
Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/
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Controversial football opinion: the plural of
football is feetballs.
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: PATREON THANKS
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Also thanks to Monkeon, HappyToast, Sn0tters &
Matt Round, JimmerUK, DerKommissar,
Hoppitygoestotown, garidead, @christhebarker.
Final thought & reward for scrolling down: You
know what would be cool? If every time someone
was born we planted an acorn. And then you
could go and visit your tree as you grow up,
and it would be next to your parents' trees
which would be bigger. And there's Auntie
Mable, who's gone now but her tree is 140 years
old.
Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
