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This is a question I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

Challenge: write a joke. As simple joke with a setup and a punchline.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT - IGNORING THIS COULD RESULT IN BAN

* Don't steal jokes - write them
* Don't flood post
* Just don't be a dick ok?

So join in and write a bad joke and apologise for it.

Read Latest | Highest Voted

(, Wed 8 Aug 2018, 9:00)
Pages: Latest, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, ... 1

Tell Us Your Story »

How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 13:48, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:26, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
What does Kanye West and brussel sprouts have in common?
I hate them
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 16:36, Reply)
What four legged animal helps pollenation?
Most of a bee.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:49, 5 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
Although a transvestite friend of mine lives in Greater Manchester...

He also has a Wigan address.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2018, 17:29, 3 replies, latest was 1 year ago)
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One has a white lead and never seems to be the correct way round, the other is is an industry standard that was developed to define cables, connectors and protocols for connection, communication, and power supply between personal computers and their peripheral devices.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:38, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
How do you escape a bear?
\🐻
(, Wed 23 May 2018, 19:07, Reply)
What's really thick and lives on a globe?
A flat Earther.
(, Sun 13 May 2018, 12:33, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
what do you call a big reptile that gets someone else to bite you?
a deligator
(, Sat 19 May 2018, 7:26, Reply)
"Doctor, doctor...
The GUI on my Unix based system has crashed and it's left me with just a command line prompt. Is it serious?"

"I'm afraid it's Terminal."
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:17, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
How many gammon does it take to change a lightbulb?
Millions. First to successfully campaign to leave the EU, and then to wait in the dark for the proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs to make a comeback.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:52, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Contrary to popular belief, Stephen Hawking wasn't a theoretical physicist.
He was real.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:46, Reply)
My dog has no dictionary
How does it spell terrible?
(, Thu 6 Jun 2019, 14:00, 1 reply, 1 year ago)
Why are stuttering cats annoying?
It's all just me me me.
(, Sun 9 Dec 2018, 22:16, 1 reply, 2 years ago)
i asked my friend
why she was dating a homeless man who looked like Elvis.
she replied: "i'm courting a tramp, i can't walk out"
(, Sun 26 Aug 2018, 15:10, 1 reply, 2 years ago)
I have a grudging respect for people who do fly tipping.
They've got six legs, sticky feet, and they're a damned sight harder to sneak up on than cows.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 2:40, Reply)
Some people think I'm a homophobe
but it only sounds that way.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:37, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What do you get when cheese explodes?
De Brie.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)
A woman is having a shower when the doorbell rings.
She gets out to answer the door but realises there is no towel in the bathroom, so she puts on her robe, grabs a clean towel from the airing cupboard and wraps it around her wet hair. She peeks through her broken blinds and sees a man wearing sunglasses and a shirt that reads SMITH'S BLIND REPAIRS. "Well," she thinks, "I know they said they'd be here first thing, but he's a little earlier than I expected. She opens the front door.

The man says: "Good morning, love. I'm here to fix your blinds."
He thinks to himself: "Cracking tits, I wish she'd answered the door naked."
(, Thu 16 May 2019, 13:20, 1 reply, 2 years ago)
What idiot called it an airline meal instead of snacks on a plane?

(, Tue 4 Sep 2018, 11:15, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
My mum made me do bell ringing at the church when I was a kid.
One day, when alone in the bell tower, I dropped my trousers and wrapped the rope round my nob for a laugh.

The vicar came in and tolled me off.
(, Wed 8 Aug 2018, 11:00, Reply)
High brow joke
I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after just Four Seasons...
(, Fri 20 Jul 2018, 13:24, Reply)
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Rolfaroo?
Giant holes all over your children
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:42, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Q. How many members of the NRA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. More guns!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:37, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Why are shoes like a naughty greengrocer?
They come in pairs.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:40, Reply)
What's #000000 and #FFFFFF and #FF0000 all over?
A newspaper dot com
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:56, Reply)
"How did you get on in the wanking competition, darling?"
"Well I didn't come first, but I held my own."
(, Sat 27 Jul 2019, 20:25, 1 reply, 1 year ago)
Do you know what gets my goat?
El Chupacabra.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2018, 23:52, Reply)
I thought I was being clumsy when the pig's trotter entered my rectum
but it turns out I was just being ham-fisted.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 18:59, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
The world origami championship is going to be on Sky this year.
As a paper-view event.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 12:04, Reply)
Which singer can you boot up?
Adele
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:05, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
My scouse uncle does greengrocery deliveries in Shoreditch
He doesn't have a van.
He does avocado.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:59, Reply)
What smells of piss and doesn't work?
The House of Lords
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:45, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.
Who's there?
A spider with an erection.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:20, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
I dreamt last night that my partner had got me a joke telling seagull for my birthday
But when I woke up today I was disappointed to find out that I was just having a funny tern!
(, Thu 4 Jun 2020, 20:53, 1 reply, 5 months ago)
Which celebrity is least likely to get coronavirus?
Handgelina Jolie...
(, Wed 18 Mar 2020, 13:48, 1 reply, 8 months ago)
In the USSR, a common punishment for those convicted of political crimes was to be sent to a labour camp in the middle of the Russian wilderness.
This meant that if you did something that annoyed Stalin, he put you on the naughty steppe.
(, Mon 30 Dec 2019, 23:04, Reply)
I'm not a big fan of levers,
but they have their moments.
(, Sun 22 Sep 2019, 0:13, 1 reply, 1 year ago)
Where do Joy Division live?
In a terrace apartment again
(, Fri 23 Aug 2019, 4:56, Reply)
I went to the zoo, but all they had was one small dog.
It was a shit zoo.
(, Tue 16 Jul 2019, 16:37, 2 replies, latest was 1 year ago)
I entered my dog at Crufts
I got six months and a lifetime pet ban
(, Sat 1 Dec 2018, 0:49, Reply)
An Englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
and the barman says "what'll it be gents"
Englishman - 'I'll have a pint of fisted goblin, 4.6 ABV, golden colour with citrus undertones"
Irishman - "I'll have a pint of Guinness and a Bushmills chaser"
Scotsman - "I'll have a er...erm...a lime and soda"
Toby and Patrick both turn to Hamish and say "you'll have what?"
Hamish - "Sorry, what were you expecting? Just because I am from Scotland you expect me to be some stereotype drunken scot? Are you expecting me to order Tenants super and a bottle of buckfast just to live up to an outdated and untrue image of the Scots as alcoholics? Shame on you. For your information I like lime and soda. Also I am skint at the moment as I spent all my dole money on smack."
(, Fri 21 Sep 2018, 23:39, 1 reply, 2 years ago)
What's old and white and lies on a bus?
A brexitter
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 16:07, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What do you call a cold-blooded oblong?
A reptangle

(my son thought of this on the way to school)
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 13:28, 1 reply, 2 years ago)
Second in line to throne launches probe into Britain's separation from the European Union:
Brexit, pursued by an heir.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:58, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
.
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
[email protected]: ~ $ touch this
touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied
[email protected]: ~ $ sudo !!
[sudo] password for mc: **********
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
this
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:27, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
How many drinks can a Prussian knight drink?
Two tonics.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:19, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
What do you call a skateboarding former UN Secretary General?
Boutros Boutros Gnarly!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:14, Reply)
Did you hear about the naked waiter on minimum wage?
He's barely putting food on the table
(, Thu 11 Jul 2019, 0:41, Reply)
Which reggae singer resembles a radiant heating appliance for generating thermal radiation for outdoor use?

Patio Burner!!!
(, Wed 19 Dec 2018, 11:42, Reply)
I like to eat a lot of little metallic springs, gears, and winders
It tastes awful but it makes me shit like clockwork
(, Mon 26 Nov 2018, 4:17, Reply)
An Scottish horse, an Irish horse, and a Rabbi horse walk into a bar
They make a bet that they'll try and pick up the next female horse that walks in. A beautiful chestnut filly walks in and orders a campari and soda. The Scottish horse downs its single malt whisky, smooths out its kilt, adjusts its sporran and walks over and stands beside her.
"Neigh!", he says, "Neigh, neigh. Neigh!!!". The preliminaries over, he mounts her and sends a couple of tables tumbling over as he feverishly pumps away, spilling some of the other patrons' pints all over the patterned carpet. To be honest, I don't have punchline for this joke. I probably should have thought of one before I started writing it
(, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 23:11, 1 reply, 1 year ago)
How does Batman's mum tell him his dinner is ready?
She doesn't, she was murdered!!!
(, Sat 15 Sep 2018, 22:12, Reply)
Thanks to the UK's economy, there's now a growing trend of giving lettuce instead of money to waiting staff.
I fear it's just the tip of the Iceberg.
(, Fri 31 Aug 2018, 10:39, Reply)
What do you call a royal wedding sandwich?
Anything that's in bread.
(, Wed 16 May 2018, 7:56, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Where do mad people go to shop?
In Sainsburys
(, Tue 15 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)
What's wiry, wispy and covers a cunt?
Donald Trump's hair
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 23:09, Reply)
My joke:
What's the difference between tarka dal and regular dal?
Tarka's a little 'otter.
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 12:40, 5 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 18:18, 4 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
A man walks into a doctor and says he's got an apple stuck up his bum
"Are we talking about a core or the whole apple?", ask the doctor
"Macbook Pro"
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:42, Reply)
Why was Sting fired from his job as a paramedic?
It kept taking him six hours to come
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:19, Reply)
There's a new restaurant opened up near me. The staff were all medieval peasants who lectured me abut Caitlyn Jenner's penis privilege.
It was a Serf and Terf restaurant.
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 9:52, Reply)
How do you get down from an elephant?
You cross-breed it with a swan.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 21:37, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
I used to get through a lot of Cheese Thins crackers.
Then they brought out 'NEW IMPROVED!' Cheese Thins.

I guess Thins can only get better.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 18:40, Reply)
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:34, Reply)
I went to turtle school
but I don't remember what they taught us.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:20, Reply)
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:18, Reply)
What bees leave you paralyzed & violated?



Cos-Bees
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:15, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
What kind of sugar actually tastes salty?
Alan.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:08, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
A horse wearing a disproportionately tall version of a red felt hat popularised during the Ottoman Empire walks into a bar.
The barman pauses for purposes of comedic timing, then asks;

"Why the long fez?"
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:43, Reply)
Every new computer I get seems to come installed with a very posh AI with no name. I hate it.
I called support, but they told me to try Turing a Toff anon again.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)
What do you do if you see a zebra vomiting?
Look both ways to make sure traffic has stopped and then vomit at your leisure.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:59, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
I just bought 2000 slices of spam in batter
I'm just frittering away my money.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:28, Reply)
When Jamiroquai share a spliff, they call it a "Harry Potter"
because it was created by Jay Kay rolling.
(, Fri 20 Nov 2020, 23:56, 1 reply, 6 days ago)
I've written a three act ensemble piece about Roget's Thesaurus
It's a play on words.
(, Sat 15 Aug 2020, 20:28, Reply)
i don't get why so few people know how to make a greek salad
i mean, it's not rocket science
(, Wed 15 Apr 2020, 5:06, 1 reply, 7 months ago)
Scientist say the virus has mutated into a more advanced form
CoDVD -20
(, Thu 9 Apr 2020, 0:30, 2 replies, latest was 8 months ago)
what do you get if you sit on too many loo rolls
stockpiles
(, Sat 21 Mar 2020, 10:27, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What is French electronic musician Jean-Michel Jarre's
favourite time of the day?
MIDI!
(, Sat 14 Mar 2020, 14:12, 1 reply, 8 months ago)
What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 at midday and 3 in the evening?
This flipping table I'm making, awful at carpentry.
(, Sat 7 Mar 2020, 19:13, 2 replies, latest was 9 months ago)
A horse walks into a sheep. Sorry, bar

(, Mon 17 Feb 2020, 5:07, 3 replies, latest was 7 months ago)
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
(, Mon 27 Jan 2020, 15:39, Reply)
The only joke I've ever actually created:
(Context - when the big art installation of decorated fibreglass cows was going from city to city around Europe, I was playing in a bar in Zurich. Question to the audience in between numbers.)

Ein Kuh mach Muh.
Machen viele Kühe Mühe ?

I guess you had to be there.
(, Wed 22 May 2019, 12:12, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
I met Fred Flintstone at a party in the Middle East
It was an Abu Dhabi do
(, Wed 19 Dec 2018, 11:15, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
Old users! How do you upset a millennial?
Give them your mortgage repayment date.
(, Sun 2 Sep 2018, 17:40, 1 reply, 2 years ago)
I'm thinking of opening an anal bleaching salon that specialises in different shades
I'll call it Ring Tones
(, Tue 28 Aug 2018, 16:05, Reply)
The guy from A Very English Scandal and 90s rapper Skee-Lo stood back to back
Whishaw was a little bit taller
(, Thu 14 Jun 2018, 14:10, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
Mum Jokes will get you far.
But Dad Jokes will get you father.
(, Tue 22 May 2018, 22:19, Reply)
Do you know what makes me cross?
Lollipop ladies.
(, Fri 18 May 2018, 22:49, Reply)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says
I'll have a pint of lager and a mop please
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 18:22, Reply)
What do you get if you chop a centipede in five?
Twentipedes.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 17:18, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What did Matt Damon contribute to the Oxfam Fair?
Goodwill bunting
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 23:17, Reply)
Why do beavers have flat tails?
If they had flat heads, their brains would squirt out of their ears.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:13, Reply)
I don't have the correct security details for the tropical fruit fan site
It keeps saying 'persimmon denied'...
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:42, Reply)
I don't care if you're having rhinoplasty...
...it's no skin off my nose
genuinely thought of that one myself
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 19:26, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
A woman hears her husband is in hospital and rushes to A&E. The doctor, who is Italian, says: "I'm-a sorry. It-a seems-a your ahsband is-a turning into a tree."
She asks, "Oh my God, is he getting any better?"
Says the doctor: "No! He's-a sick-a more!"

(I swear it's funny out loud.)
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:46, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
What do King's Cross and Yorkshire weather have in common?
T'rain.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:32, Reply)
I told my husband I wanted a personal trainer
So he stencilled “Your breath stinks” onto one of my Nikes.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:20, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 - 56,000 people.
Just some ballpark figures for you.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:33, Reply)
What do you call an actor who badmouths and slags off those who follow the teachings of the lord Jesus?
Christian Slater.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:39, Reply)
You can say what you like about italics
but at least they made the trains run on time.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:35, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Why did the pope cross the road?
To bless it.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:29, Reply)
What do you call a domestic pig who can curl up into a spherical shape so that you can play boules with him?
Pet oink!
(, Wed 18 Nov 2020, 15:27, 1 reply, 2 weeks ago)
How many E's in beer?
Just one. do you wanna dance? I wanna dance
(, Fri 28 Aug 2020, 10:03, Reply)
What's the easiest way to prepare for a Turkish fast food-themed fancy dress party?
Don a kebab.
(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 21:59, Reply)
What do you call an oppressive potato that resembles a penis?
A dick tater.
(, Wed 15 Jul 2020, 0:04, 1 reply, 5 months ago)
Elton John stays in a hotel...
At breakfast, he starts crying when he is served.
"What's up, sir?" says the waiter when he sees Elton crying.
"This egg," says Elton, "It's a little bit runny..."
(, Thu 2 Jul 2020, 15:29, 2 replies, latest was 4 months ago)
My doctor told me I was grossly overweight.....
I demanded a second opinion.
He said "Okay, your an ugly cunt as well."
(, Sat 16 May 2020, 13:45, Reply)
Did you see that film about the unrepentant cannibal misogynist?
Gladiator.
(, Mon 4 May 2020, 12:28, 2 replies, latest was 7 months ago)
A virus walks into a bar
The barman looks at it and asks
"What are you, and how did you get here?"
The virus replies
"Flu"
The obvious problem with this is that it relies on you hearing it without having heard one of the possible spellings. I'm so, so
and so is my joke.
(, Sat 4 Apr 2020, 1:48, Reply)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints
(, Fri 8 Nov 2019, 9:49, 1 reply, 1 year ago)
Two prostitutes talking, one says...
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Other says...

"No but I've been swung round by the tits"
(, Sat 17 Aug 2019, 13:47, 2 replies, latest was 1 year ago)
How many Tourette's sufferers does i-SOAPY TIT WANK!
Bum. :/
(, Fri 16 Aug 2019, 15:56, Reply)
What's brown and driving home for christmas?
Chris Diarrhea
(, Thu 8 Aug 2019, 13:42, 2 replies, latest was 1 year ago)
Two Monkeys
Two Monkeys in a bath
"OOooOOOo EEEEEeeeee AH HA hahahAAAH!"

"Listen, if its that hot, put some cold in"
(, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 21:09, Reply)
Why did the feminist keep overeating at Greggs?
It was the fault of the pastriarchy
(, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 7:12, Reply)
I heard a really good joke about UDP
But you might not get it
(, Fri 21 Jun 2019, 14:51, 1 reply, 1 year ago)
Did you hear that the alphabet died?
Died from a vowel obstruction.
(, Mon 10 Jun 2019, 11:18, Reply)
I got a really nice letter from the bank today.
Apparently my last payment was outstanding
(, Mon 26 Nov 2018, 21:14, Reply)
the stationary shop just up the road from me has moved!!!

(, Sun 25 Nov 2018, 19:50, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)
An uncle of mine once ran a factory that made specialist paper for origami
But it folded.
(, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 21:05, Reply)
Why did the poltergeist not cross the road?
He was trapped on the other side.
(, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 16:06, Reply)
What's Sherlock Holmes' favourite plant?
A lemon tree.
(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:58, Reply)
BREAKING: Alcoholic Country Becomes Beholden To A Drinking Establishment, Signs Declaration Of Inn Dependence

(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:53, Reply)
I'm going to marry the lady at the fish market.
She's the girl of my breams.
(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:51, Reply)
The teacher asks the class what historic landmark would represent them
Sally puts her hand up first and says, "I'd be St Pauls Cathedral. It stayed standing proud in the Blitz when times were darkest, and symbolised hope to all Londoners"
"An excellent choice, Sally", says the teacher
Sundeep put's his hand up next, "I'd be stonehenge, Miss. It showed great resilience by lasting thousands of years, and contains ancient wisdom"
Finally, the teacher asks Billy what he'd be.
"I'd be Big Ben in the afternoon", he replies.
"And why's that, Billy?"
"Because I've just had three bongs"
(, Tue 18 Sep 2018, 12:07, Reply)
I like satire because I have a Juvenal sense of humour.

(, Fri 7 Sep 2018, 17:57, Reply)
Please help!
I'm trying to find an online tutorial for advanced makeup techniques, but all I can find are foundation courses...
(, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 22:24, Reply)
Looking for recommendations for a Corrective Plastic Surgeon...
any suggestions I'm all ears!
(, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 18:26, Reply)
What do you call somebody who compulsively steals from Polish shops?
A Skleptomaniac
(, Sat 25 Aug 2018, 21:33, Reply)
What do you call someone who delivers Indian cuisine?
A courier.
(, Wed 16 May 2018, 18:39, Reply)
What do you call an angry hippie?
Incensed.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:27, Reply)
I was once inappropriatedly touched by the Chuckle Brothers
#MeTooToMeToYou
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:45, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Waiter waiter!
I'll have a crocodile sandwich and hurry the fuck up!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 21:15, Reply)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 19:15, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
MUSIC NEWS: Sting single-handedly foiled a robbery today
He said he didn't need any Police backup
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:20, Reply)
My girlfriend complained that my colander was too small.
She might think it's tiny, but I know is ma sieve.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:21, Reply)
If weddings aren't depressing
why are the cakes always in tiers?
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:20, Reply)
What is the most famous French cannibal film?
Jules et Jim.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:17, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Why did John Lennon sing, "I am the Eggman"?
Because he married Yolko Ono.

(sorry)
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:05, Reply)
A real woman
is equal to her complex conjugate.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 12:10, Reply)
What do you call a recently-deceased ex-bond actor who has had his bodily hair removed in order to be prepared for embalming?
SHORN Connery!
(, Tue 3 Nov 2020, 3:44, 7 replies, latest was 2 weeks ago)
What did Boy George order at his local curry house?
Korma, korma, korma, korma, korma curry meal eat in.
(, Fri 16 Oct 2020, 4:43, Reply)
Which famous hairstylist was responsible for making longer hairstyles popular?
COVIDal Sassoon!
(, Tue 8 Sep 2020, 19:54, Reply)
What does a cannibal have for breakfast?
Feetabix!

Sorry.
(, Fri 21 Aug 2020, 1:19, Reply)
A horse walks into a bar...
The barman looks up and says "Hey, I know you! Didn't you eat my thesaurus?"
"Nope" says the horse.
(, Sun 28 Jun 2020, 7:30, 1 reply, 5 months ago)
Why did the duck look down when he got a letter from the electric company?
He felt he needed to lower his bill.
(, Sat 27 Jun 2020, 22:38, Reply)
Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they taste great, trust me
(, Thu 14 May 2020, 12:45, Reply)
Why can't you run through a campground?
You can only ever have ran because it's past tense...
(, Tue 31 Mar 2020, 22:29, 1 reply, 8 months ago)
Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing from a monastery?
He got 12 monks.
(, Fri 28 Feb 2020, 20:09, Reply)
A man walks into a bar
Cheers
(, Tue 4 Feb 2020, 22:22, Reply)

Why do old assembly programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

31 Oct is the same as 25 Dec.
(, Fri 31 Jan 2020, 8:33, Reply)
Not written, just found by archiologists
A bloke in t'pub actually said today "which runner has the smelliest feet?". Confused looks were met by the reply "Gorgonzola Budd". Confused looks continued by anyone under the age of whenever the Beano printed that in the '80s.
(, Thu 30 Jan 2020, 1:58, 2 replies, latest was 10 months ago)
How many bloods did it take before someone made a film about Rambo?
One.
(, Mon 26 Aug 2019, 19:45, Reply)
Best joke ever.
Q. Why did the fish sink?
A. Because it was a brick.
Credit for this work of genius must be given to my autistic freind, Neil R.
(, Sat 24 Aug 2019, 22:17, Reply)
What do you call a cunt who writes on underwater boats?
Subscribe you cunt
b3ta.com/subscribe
(, Fri 16 Aug 2019, 19:44, Reply)

She asked me this morning: "At what time are you leaving?", to which I replied: "Brexit."

(which means NEVER lol)
(, Sun 11 Aug 2019, 12:26, Reply)
What's yellow and very dangerous?
China.
(, Sat 20 Jul 2019, 1:26, Reply)
I once wrote a one-line story about the refractive properties of glass but it was so bad I got a prism sentence.

(, Tue 2 Jul 2019, 11:17, Reply)
What is Phil Collins' favourite Chinese branch of a Swedish high-end audio retailer?
Suzhou Sudio.
(, Fri 24 May 2019, 22:58, Reply)
Wh-What's Ph-Ph-Phil C-C-C-C-Collins' fa-fa-favourite pu-pu-pu-puzzle?
Su-su-su-doku.
(, Wed 22 May 2019, 14:38, Reply)
How do they put the holes in a colander?





Sieve I care.
(, Wed 15 May 2019, 22:13, Reply)
What does Phil Collins instruct his lawyers to do when he wants to initiate triple legal action against deceased Rainbow singer Ronnie James?
Sue-sue-sue Dio.
(, Fri 10 May 2019, 22:14, Reply)
Which reggae singer sexually assaults people on the posterior?

Pato Bottom!!!
(, Mon 17 Dec 2018, 12:01, Reply)
A friend told me about Breaking Bad...
...so I bought him another copy. It's his favourite Michael Jackson album.
(, Fri 30 Nov 2018, 13:44, Reply)
Thom Yorke's dog's got no nose.
How does it smell?

Exceptionally morose.
(, Tue 20 Nov 2018, 12:55, Reply)
I met my other half at an internet cafe
It was love at first site
(, Tue 20 Nov 2018, 0:50, Reply)
I'm currently reading a book about an immortal pet dog.
It's unputdownable.
(, Sat 17 Nov 2018, 7:21, Reply)
I spent ages struggling to understand popular groups at school, but eventually it just cliqued.

(, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 18:40, Reply)
My dog's got no nose. How does it smell?
It doesn't, bled to death due to the nose injury.
(, Thu 18 Oct 2018, 14:32, Reply)
all signing, all dancing: musicals for the hearing impaired

(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:59, Reply)
Why does Crystal Gayle insert smurfs into her bottom
She wants to make her brown eye blue........
(, Mon 24 Sep 2018, 22:45, Reply)
Whenever I print out invoices for both my Kurdish clients...
...I do so on paper that I've torn from my paperback copy of "How To Look Good Naked".

I like to bill two kurds with Wan's tome.
(, Mon 24 Sep 2018, 14:28, Reply)
i tried to make a sauce vert, but it went wrong
boy, was THAT a waste of thyme!
(, Sun 23 Sep 2018, 15:59, Reply)
my little sister
used to tell bizarre kangaroo-based jokes as a kid. i think the weirdest one was: "why did the kangaroo cross the road? because he wanted to go to the shop and buy a pot noodle and cook it in his brains to make his brains go wiggly"
then she laughed for a solid ten minutes , whilst we looked on, bewildered.
(, Mon 17 Sep 2018, 15:21, Reply)
They say the secret of comedy is timing...
Which probably explains why my audiences keep looking at their watches.
(, Thu 6 Sep 2018, 21:01, Reply)
The winner of the funniests.
When Arnold Chegwin was a young man, he decided that he wanted to be a pub.
He loved the pub after spending time in his local, "The Queen's Arms". 'I'd love to be a pub', he would think.
With a roaring fire and everybody inside me laughing away...

As time passed and he grew older, he settled on running a pub rather than actually being one.
He purchased "The Painted Duck", in Chelmsford and very well he ran it too, with his loyal wife Cathy. Eventually, Cathy would bare him, three beautiful children. Joyce, Janice and Roy. Janice sadly drowned in a pond swimming at eleven and Joyce moved to New Zealand with a man called Taylor, which left Roy to run the pub, as he entered his teens and Arnold could no longer perform the tasks needed.
Roy didn't much like the pub, he thought it was too loud, too smoky and too much like hard work. However, after time, and with little skills to find other work, he did eventually take to it and took over the pub from his father. Roy had a reputation as a miserable landlord, but his wife Alice was good fun if somewhat a lush. Roy and Alice had only one son. Keith was a quiet boy, a bit slow for his age, but kind and with a cheeky face, that he kept on his head.
Keith and his grandfather were very close.
One day Arnold Chegwin heard a story he was all too familiar with, young Keith sat on his lap on the sofa in the snug at the pub he had once run and said 'grandad, when I grow up, I want to be a pub!' Arnold smiled at Keith, 'I want to be a big happy pub and have people smiling and shouting and laughing inside me' Keith sang. Small tears formed in Arnold's blue eyes and he hugged his beautiful grandson.
'Now Keith you must listen to me, when you grow up, you'll inherit this pub from your daddy, you can run this pub and be in here all the time, but I'm afraid you can never actually BE a pub my lad'
Keith looked a little upset then queried 'why grandad? Why can I not be a pub?'
'... because Cheggers can't be boozers!' he shouted into the terrified lad's face.
(, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 13:36, Reply)
Have you tried the Dickensian Orphanage Chef workout regime?
Let me tell you: it's gruelling.
(, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 9:33, Reply)
it's not my joke, goes almost like this:
I once had a job digging holes for water. it was well boring.
(, Fri 24 Aug 2018, 15:59, Reply)
I was so hungry last night I ate the magazine that was sitting on my bedside table.
Now I've got Readers Indigestion.
(, Fri 24 Aug 2018, 14:27, Reply)
I find it impossible to look at cream cakes
The doctor says it's a problem with my profiterole vision.
(, Sun 19 Aug 2018, 21:27, Reply)
*ahem*
If a travel agent is surrounded by a ring of small islands, are they atoll-protected?
(, Mon 4 Jun 2018, 0:49, Reply)
Why doesn't the Labour party use Norton Antivirus?
It's cos they're bit anti Symantec.
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 20:50, Reply)
Which type of bread has a sense of humour?
Rye
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:50, Reply)
What can you clean your teeth with, sleep in and write with?
A toothbrush, a bed and a pen.
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 11:20, Reply)

Q. Why did the horse cross its legs?
A. It REALLY needed a poo.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 22:48, Reply)
Understand doesn't my wife me

(, Thu 10 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)
Members of ISIS have formed a tribute band in honour of David Byrne's post-punk new wave combo outfit.
They're calling themselves "Taking Heads."
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)
I have a growth the exact size and shape of a Sumerian burial chamber.
It's a tomb Ur.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 15:51, Reply)
What do you say to a non-gender specific person engaged to fit carpets who needs to get a move on but has told you in passing that s/he has a degree in Spanish language
Underlay underlay
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Why were there so many Crusades?
Because they're so Moorish.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:54, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
I wrote a musical about STDs.
All the songs are really catchy.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:15, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Do Limericks count?
I don't know
Maybe they do
Maybe they don't
This one doesn't rhyme
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:41, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)
Hear about the monk who kept going to sleep in his clothes?
He just couldn't get out of the habit.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:19, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
Who is the smelliest president ever?
Trump!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 15:50, Reply)
Sean Connery...
...is worried his distinctive voice is stopping him getting decent roles. He asks an Ear Nose and Throat specialist for an opinion. The Doc tells him he thinks the problem is with his sinus

Sean goes nuts...

"Shyness? I haven't got a shy bone in my bloody body!"
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 15:07, Reply)
Herb Garden For Sale
No Thyme Wasters
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:04, Reply)
I was in a convent garden when I interrupted a lady talking about Jesus to ask about her large gardening scissors.
It was a nun-secateur.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:15, Reply)
Somebody called me a pepper pot today.
I just took it as a condiment.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
A load of dogs have just escaped from the police station.
Luckily the police are currently out there chasing many leads.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:33, 1 reply, 3 years ago)
My wife reads a lot of early twentieth century literature examining class and hipocracy.
- Forster?

- no need, she loves them.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)
...
For years I've been using the phrase "Kruger-Dunning effect", which just goes to show.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:04, Reply)
Which video game member of the eulipotyphlan family Erinaceidae had a number one in 1998 with It Feels So Good?
Sonique The Hedgehog.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:57, Reply)
I went to an aquarium and there was a fish singing Dean Martin songs.
I asked one of the staff, "What's that fish singing?"
He replied, "That's a Moray".
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:36, Reply)
What do you call an arachnid wearing white gloves and shouting, "r u on 1 matey?"
A house spider.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:35, Reply)

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