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This is a question I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

Challenge: write a joke. As simple joke with a setup and a punchline.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

* No isms - keep this light
* Non jokes will be deleted and users temp banned
* No nicked jokes - write one!

So join in and write a bad joke and apologise for it.

Read Latest | Highest Voted

(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:00)
Pages: Latest, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 13:48, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What four legged animal helps pollenation?
Most of a bee.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:49, 3 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:26, 4 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)
What does Kanye West and brussel sprouts have in common?
I hate them
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 16:36, Reply)
How many gammon does it take to change a lightbulb?
Millions. First to successfully campaign to leave the EU, and then to wait in the dark for the proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs to make a comeback.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:52, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What's really thick and lives on a globe?
A flat Earther.
(, Sun 13 May 2018, 12:33, 1 reply, 6 weeks ago)
I have a grudging respect for people who do fly tipping.
They've got six legs, sticky feet, and they're a damned sight harder to sneak up on than cows.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 2:40, Reply)
"Doctor, doctor...
The GUI on my Unix based system has crashed and it's left me with just a command line prompt. Is it serious?"

"I'm afraid it's Terminal."
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:17, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
Q. How many members of the NRA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. More guns!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:37, 3 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One has a white lead and never seems to be the correct way round, the other is is an industry standard that was developed to define cables, connectors and protocols for connection, communication, and power supply between personal computers and their peripheral devices.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:38, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
Which singer can you boot up?
Adele
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:05, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
Some people think I'm a homophobe
but it only sounds that way.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:37, 3 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Rolfaroo?
Giant holes all over your children
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:42, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What do you get when cheese explodes?
De Brie.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)
Contrary to popular belief, Stephen Hawking wasn't a theoretical physicist.
He was real.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:46, Reply)
How do you escape a bear?
\🐻
(, Wed 23 May 2018, 19:07, Reply)
Second in line to throne launches probe into Britain's separation from the European Union:
Brexit, pursued by an heir.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:58, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
The world origami championship is going to be on Sky this year.
As a paper-view event.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 12:04, Reply)
.
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
[email protected]: ~ $ touch this
touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied
[email protected]: ~ $ sudo !!
[sudo] password for mc: **********
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
this
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:27, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What bees leave you paralyzed & violated?



Cos-Bees
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:15, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What's #000000 and #FFFFFF and #FF0000 all over?
A newspaper dot com
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:56, Reply)
Do you know what makes me cross?
Lollipop ladies.
(, Fri 18 May 2018, 22:49, Reply)
What's old and white and lies on a bus?
A brexitter
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 16:07, 3 replies, latest was 5 weeks ago)
My joke:
What's the difference between tarka dal and regular dal?
Tarka's a little 'otter.
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 12:40, 5 replies, latest was 1 week ago)
Why was Sting fired from his job as a paramedic?
It kept taking him six hours to come
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:19, Reply)
I don't have the correct security details for the tropical fruit fan site
It keeps saying 'persimmon denied'...
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:42, Reply)
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:18, Reply)
I told my husband I wanted a personal trainer
So he stencilled “Your breath stinks” onto one of my Nikes.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:20, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
My scouse uncle does greengrocery deliveries in Shoreditch
He doesn't have a van.
He does avocado.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:59, Reply)
Why are shoes like a naughty greengrocer?
They come in pairs.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:40, Reply)
A horse wearing a disproportionately tall version of a red felt hat popularised during the Ottoman Empire walks into a bar.
The barman pauses for purposes of comedic timing, then asks;

"Why the long fez?"
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:43, Reply)
How many drinks can a Prussian knight drink?
Two tonics.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:19, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
Every new computer I get seems to come installed with a very posh AI with no name. I hate it.
I called support, but they told me to try Turing a Toff anon again.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)
What do you call a skateboarding former UN Secretary General?
Boutros Boutros Gnarly!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:14, Reply)
What smells of piss and doesn't work?
The House of Lords
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:45, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.
Who's there?
A spider with an erection.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:20, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
what do you call a big reptile that gets someone else to bite you?
a deligator
(, Sat 19 May 2018, 7:26, Reply)
What do you call a royal wedding sandwich?
Anything that's in bread.
(, Wed 16 May 2018, 7:56, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)
Where do mad people go to shop?
In Sainsburys
(, Tue 15 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)
What's wiry, wispy and covers a cunt?
Donald Trump's hair
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 23:09, Reply)
What do you call a cold-blooded oblong?
A reptangle

(my son thought of this on the way to school)
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 13:28, Reply)
There's a new restaurant opened up near me. The staff were all medieval peasants who lectured me abut Caitlyn Jenner's penis privilege.
It was a Serf and Terf restaurant.
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 9:52, Reply)
How do you get down from an elephant?
You cross-breed it with a swan.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 21:37, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
I thought I was being clumsy when the pig's trotter entered my rectum
but it turns out I was just being ham-fisted.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 18:59, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What do you get if you chop a centipede in five?
Twentipedes.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 17:18, 3 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:34, Reply)
What do you call an angry hippie?
Incensed.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:27, Reply)
I went to turtle school
but I don't remember what they taught us.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:20, Reply)
Why do beavers have flat tails?
If they had flat heads, their brains would squirt out of their ears.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:13, Reply)
A woman hears her husband is in hospital and rushes to A&E. The doctor, who is Italian, says: "I'm-a sorry. It-a seems-a your ahsband is-a turning into a tree."
She asks, "Oh my God, is he getting any better?"
Says the doctor: "No! He's-a sick-a more!"

(I swear it's funny out loud.)
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:46, 3 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 19:15, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
My girlfriend complained that my colander was too small.
She might think it's tiny, but I know is ma sieve.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:21, Reply)
What is the most famous French cannibal film?
Jules et Jim.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:17, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What kind of sugar actually tastes salty?
Alan.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:08, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What do you call an actor who badmouths and slags off those who follow the teachings of the lord Jesus?
Christian Slater.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:39, Reply)
You can say what you like about italics
but at least they made the trains run on time.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:35, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What do you do if you see a zebra vomiting?
Look both ways to make sure traffic has stopped and then vomit at your leisure.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:59, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
Why did the pope cross the road?
To bless it.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:29, Reply)
I just bought 2000 slices of spam in batter
I'm just frittering away my money.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:28, Reply)
Mum Jokes will get you far.
But Dad Jokes will get you father.
(, Tue 22 May 2018, 22:19, Reply)
What do you call someone who delivers Indian cuisine?
A courier.
(, Wed 16 May 2018, 18:39, Reply)
Why doesn't the Labour party use Norton Antivirus?
It's cos they're bit anti Symantec.
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 20:50, Reply)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 18:18, 4 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)
Which type of bread has a sense of humour?
Rye
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:50, Reply)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says
I'll have a pint of lager and a mop please
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 18:22, Reply)
A man walks into a doctor and says he's got an apple stuck up his bum
"Are we talking about a core or the whole apple?", ask the doctor
"Macbook Pro"
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:42, Reply)
I used to get through a lot of Cheese Thins crackers.
Then they brought out 'NEW IMPROVED!' Cheese Thins.

I guess Thins can only get better.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 18:40, Reply)
What did the verbose goose do when he sat on top of the head of a famous American saxophonist in an autonomous territory (and former British colony) in south-east China?
Honk on G ["Hong Kong"]
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 17:09, 3 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
Understand doesn't my wife me

(, Thu 10 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)
What did Matt Damon contribute to the Oxfam Fair?
Goodwill bunting
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 23:17, Reply)
I was once inappropriatedly touched by the Chuckle Brothers
#MeTooToMeToYou
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:45, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
Members of ISIS have formed a tribute band in honour of David Byrne's post-punk new wave combo outfit.
They're calling themselves "Taking Heads."
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)
I don't care if you're having rhinoplasty...
...it's no skin off my nose
genuinely thought of that one myself
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 19:26, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What do you say to a non-gender specific person engaged to fit carpets who needs to get a move on but has told you in passing that s/he has a degree in Spanish language
Underlay underlay
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
Why were there so many Crusades?
Because they're so Moorish.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:54, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What do King's Cross and Yorkshire weather have in common?
T'rain.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:32, Reply)
I wrote a musical about STDs.
All the songs are really catchy.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:15, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
Do Limericks count?
I don't know
Maybe they do
Maybe they don't
This one doesn't rhyme
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:41, 2 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
MUSIC NEWS: Sting single-handedly foiled a robbery today
He said he didn't need any Police backup
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:20, Reply)
Sean Connery...
...is worried his distinctive voice is stopping him getting decent roles. He asks an Ear Nose and Throat specialist for an opinion. The Doc tells him he thinks the problem is with his sinus

Sean goes nuts...

"Shyness? I haven't got a shy bone in my bloody body!"
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 15:07, Reply)
If weddings aren't depressing
why are the cakes always in tiers?
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:20, Reply)
Herb Garden For Sale
No Thyme Wasters
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:04, Reply)
A real woman
is equal to her complex conjugate.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 12:10, Reply)
The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 - 56,000 people.
Just some ballpark figures for you.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:33, Reply)
Somebody called me a pepper pot today.
I just took it as a condiment.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
A load of dogs have just escaped from the police station.
Luckily the police are currently out there chasing many leads.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:33, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
My wife reads a lot of early twentieth century literature examining class and hipocracy.
- Forster?

- no need, she loves them.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)
Which video game member of the eulipotyphlan family Erinaceidae had a number one in 1998 with It Feels So Good?
Sonique The Hedgehog.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:57, Reply)
What do you call an arachnid wearing white gloves and shouting, "r u on 1 matey?"
A house spider.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:35, Reply)

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