How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 10 May 2018, 13:48, 3 replies, latest was 10 months ago)

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
(ScottEarle, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:26, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What's the difference between USA and USB?
One has a white lead and never seems to be the correct way round, the other is is an industry standard that was developed to define cables, connectors and protocols for connection, communication, and power supply between personal computers and their peripheral devices.
( christhebarker, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:38, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

What four legged animal helps pollenation?
Most of a bee.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:49, 5 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What does Kanye West and brussel sprouts have in common?
I hate them
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 9 May 2018, 16:36, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Although a transvestite friend of mine lives in Greater Manchester...

He also has a Wigan address.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 4 Oct 2018, 17:29, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

What's really thick and lives on a globe?
A flat Earther.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Sun 13 May 2018, 12:33, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

How do you escape a bear?
\🐻
( spacefish bong!, Wed 23 May 2018, 19:07, Reply)

"Doctor, doctor...
The GUI on my Unix based system has crashed and it's left me with just a command line prompt. Is it serious?"

"I'm afraid it's Terminal."
(Mr._Pickles, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:17, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

what do you call a big reptile that gets someone else to bite you?
a deligator
( spacefish bong!, Sat 19 May 2018, 7:26, Reply)

Contrary to popular belief, Stephen Hawking wasn't a theoretical physicist.
He was real.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:46, Reply)

Some people think I'm a homophobe
but it only sounds that way.
(Star Wars Starwarsy McStarwars Face, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:37, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

I'm not a big fan of levers,
but they have their moments.
(Piddins Drinking Double Dutch since, Sun 22 Sep 2019, 0:13, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

My dog has no dictionary
How does it spell terrible?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 6 Jun 2019, 14:00, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

Why are stuttering cats annoying?
It's all just me me me.
(suckfake Frisky biscuits, Sun 9 Dec 2018, 22:16, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

I have a grudging respect for people who do fly tipping.
They've got six legs, sticky feet, and they're a damned sight harder to sneak up on than cows.
(Astatine, Wed 9 May 2018, 2:40, Reply)

How many gammon does it take to change a lightbulb?
Millions. First to successfully campaign to leave the EU, and then to wait in the dark for the proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs to make a comeback.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:52, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

A woman is having a shower when the doorbell rings.
She gets out to answer the door but realises there is no towel in the bathroom, so she puts on her robe, grabs a clean towel from the airing cupboard and wraps it around her wet hair. She peeks through her broken blinds and sees a man wearing sunglasses and a shirt that reads SMITH'S BLIND REPAIRS. "Well," she thinks, "I know they said they'd be here first thing, but he's a little earlier than I expected. She opens the front door.

The man says: "Good morning, love. I'm here to fix your blinds."
He thinks to himself: "Cracking tits, I wish she'd answered the door naked."
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 16 May 2019, 13:20, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

i asked my friend
why she was dating a homeless man who looked like Elvis.
she replied: "i'm courting a tramp, i can't walk out"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 26 Aug 2018, 15:10, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Rolfaroo?
Giant holes all over your children
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:42, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What do you get when cheese explodes?
De Brie.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 8 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)

My scouse uncle does greengrocery deliveries in Shoreditch
He doesn't have a van.
He does avocado.
(Wanksock Crusty. Musty. Trusty, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:59, Reply)

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.
Who's there?
A spider with an erection.
( rob, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:20, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

My mum made me do bell ringing at the church when I was a kid.
One day, when alone in the bell tower, I dropped my trousers and wrapped the rope round my nob for a laugh.

The vicar came in and tolled me off.
(Wanksock Crusty. Musty. Trusty, Wed 8 Aug 2018, 11:00, 1 reply, 6 months ago)

High brow joke
I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after just Four Seasons...
(wiggys, Fri 20 Jul 2018, 13:24, Reply)

Which celebrity is least likely to get coronavirus?
Handgelina Jolie...
(hellish, Wed 18 Mar 2020, 13:48, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Where do Joy Division live?
In a terrace apartment again
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 23 Aug 2019, 4:56, Reply)

Did you hear about the naked waiter on minimum wage?
He's barely putting food on the table
(WinnieTheTurd, Thu 11 Jul 2019, 0:41, Reply)

What idiot called it an airline meal instead of snacks on a plane?

( rob, Tue 4 Sep 2018, 11:15, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Q. How many members of the NRA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. More guns!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:37, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Which singer can you boot up?
Adele
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:05, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Why are shoes like a naughty greengrocer?
They come in pairs.
(Bhison is tripping over the shoelaces of life, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:40, Reply)

What's #000000 and #FFFFFF and #FF0000 all over?
A newspaper dot com
( rob, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:56, Reply)

What smells of piss and doesn't work?
The House of Lords
( rob, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:45, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

When Jamiroquai share a spliff, they call it a "Harry Potter"
because it was created by Jay Kay rolling.
( enceladus, Fri 20 Nov 2020, 23:56, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

In the USSR, a common punishment for those convicted of political crimes was to be sent to a labour camp in the middle of the Russian wilderness.
This meant that if you did something that annoyed Stalin, he put you on the naughty steppe.
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Mon 30 Dec 2019, 23:04, Reply)

"How did you get on in the wanking competition, darling?"
"Well I didn't come first, but I held my own."
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Sat 27 Jul 2019, 20:25, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

An Scottish horse, an Irish horse, and a Rabbi horse walk into a bar
They make a bet that they'll try and pick up the next female horse that walks in. A beautiful chestnut filly walks in and orders a campari and soda. The Scottish horse downs its single malt whisky, smooths out its kilt, adjusts its sporran and walks over and stands beside her.
"Neigh!", he says, "Neigh, neigh. Neigh!!!". The preliminaries over, he mounts her and sends a couple of tables tumbling over as he feverishly pumps away, spilling some of the other patrons' pints all over the patterned carpet. To be honest, I don't have punchline for this joke. I probably should have thought of one before I started writing it
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 23:11, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

An Englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
and the barman says "what'll it be gents"
Englishman - 'I'll have a pint of fisted goblin, 4.6 ABV, golden colour with citrus undertones"
Irishman - "I'll have a pint of Guinness and a Bushmills chaser"
Scotsman - "I'll have a er...erm...a lime and soda"
Toby and Patrick both turn to Hamish and say "you'll have what?"
Hamish - "Sorry, what were you expecting? Just because I am from Scotland you expect me to be some stereotype drunken scot? Are you expecting me to order Tenants super and a bottle of buckfast just to live up to an outdated and untrue image of the Scots as alcoholics? Shame on you. For your information I like lime and soda. Also I am skint at the moment as I spent all my dole money on smack."
( herd of chickens First part only £1.99 and comes with a free, Fri 21 Sep 2018, 23:39, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Do you know what gets my goat?
El Chupacabra.
( Ambegris likes his tea stirred anti-clockwise, Mon 20 Aug 2018, 23:52, Reply)

What's old and white and lies on a bus?
A brexitter
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 14 May 2018, 16:07, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

I thought I was being clumsy when the pig's trotter entered my rectum
but it turns out I was just being ham-fisted.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 10 May 2018, 18:59, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

The world origami championship is going to be on Sky this year.
As a paper-view event.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 May 2018, 12:04, Reply)

A horse wearing a disproportionately tall version of a red felt hat popularised during the Ottoman Empire walks into a bar.
The barman pauses for purposes of comedic timing, then asks;

"Why the long fez?"
( Smallbrainfield, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:43, Reply)

How many drinks can a Prussian knight drink?
Two tonics.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:19, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What do you call a skateboarding former UN Secretary General?
Boutros Boutros Gnarly!
( mikeisbrill, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:14, Reply)

How did the Werewolf get its meal?
Deliveroo00oo00oo
(Mehitabel_Itrang, Mon 1 Mar 2021, 20:18, Reply)

I dreamt last night that my partner had got me a joke telling seagull for my birthday
But when I woke up today I was disappointed to find out that I was just having a funny tern!
(Iawn Cont, Thu 4 Jun 2020, 20:53, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

I went to the zoo, but all they had was one small dog.
It was a shit zoo.
( Tagnut loves pies, Tue 16 Jul 2019, 16:37, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

I entered my dog at Crufts
I got six months and a lifetime pet ban
( antmulder Flick your icefloss, Sat 1 Dec 2018, 0:49, Reply)

How does Batman's mum tell him his dinner is ready?
She doesn't, she was murdered!!!
( Happosai _,,,,_(O ; o)_,,,, Sat 15 Sep 2018, 22:12, Reply)

Thanks to the UK's economy, there's now a growing trend of giving lettuce instead of money to waiting staff.
I fear it's just the tip of the Iceberg.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 31 Aug 2018, 10:39, Reply)

Do you know what makes me cross?
Lollipop ladies.
(Chuckman, Fri 18 May 2018, 22:49, Reply)

What do you call a royal wedding sandwich?
Anything that's in bread.
( christhebarker, Wed 16 May 2018, 7:56, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

My joke:
What's the difference between tarka dal and regular dal?
Tarka's a little 'otter.
(horace, Mon 14 May 2018, 12:40, 5 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 12 May 2018, 18:18, 4 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

What do you call a cold-blooded oblong?
A reptangle

(my son thought of this on the way to school)
( christhebarker, Fri 11 May 2018, 13:28, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

There's a new restaurant opened up near me. The staff were all medieval peasants who lectured me abut Caitlyn Jenner's penis privilege.
It was a Serf and Terf restaurant.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Fri 11 May 2018, 9:52, Reply)

How do you get down from an elephant?
You cross-breed it with a swan.
(FieldingMellish, Thu 10 May 2018, 21:37, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Second in line to throne launches probe into Britain's separation from the European Union:
Brexit, pursued by an heir.
( JustHere4Coffee remembers when all o' this were car parks, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:58, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

.
mc@hammer: ~ $ ls
file.txt
mc@hammer: ~ $ touch this
touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied
mc@hammer: ~ $ sudo !!
[sudo] password for mc: **********
mc@hammer: ~ $ ls
file.txt
this
(Mr._Pickles, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:27, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What do you do if you see a zebra vomiting?
Look both ways to make sure traffic has stopped and then vomit at your leisure.
( mikeisbrill, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:59, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

I just bought 2000 slices of spam in batter
I'm just frittering away my money.
(ccc, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:28, Reply)

What do you use to count your money, money, money?
An abbacus.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 22 Feb 2023, 21:44, Reply)

What's blue and full of shit?
A cyantologist.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Thu 5 Jan 2023, 15:10, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

Who works 9 to 11:30?

Dolly Parttime.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Wed 29 Dec 2021, 15:36, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What did God say on the 24th of December, 2.8 million years ago
as he watched the formation of a land bridge between the continents of North and South America?

"It's beginning to look a lot like isthmus!"
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 15 Dec 2020, 13:10, Reply)

What do you call quiet elves?
shelves
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 10 Dec 2020, 12:49, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

I've written a three act ensemble piece about Roget's Thesaurus
It's a play on words.
( 2kindsofherring, Sat 15 Aug 2020, 20:28, Reply)

what do you get if you sit on too many loo rolls
stockpiles
( thebear is thebear, Sat 21 Mar 2020, 10:27, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

A horse walks into a sheep. Sorry, bar

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 17 Feb 2020, 5:07, 3 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

Which reggae singer resembles a radiant heating appliance for generating thermal radiation for outdoor use?

Patio Burner!!!
( $$ ✅, Wed 19 Dec 2018, 11:42, Reply)

I like to eat a lot of little metallic springs, gears, and winders
It tastes awful but it makes me shit like clockwork
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 26 Nov 2018, 4:17, Reply)

The guy from A Very English Scandal and 90s rapper Skee-Lo stood back to back
Whishaw was a little bit taller
(electricgoose, Thu 14 Jun 2018, 14:10, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Where do mad people go to shop?
In Sainsburys
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 15 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)

What's wiry, wispy and covers a cunt?
Donald Trump's hair
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Mon 14 May 2018, 23:09, Reply)

A man walks into a doctor and says he's got an apple stuck up his bum
"Are we talking about a core or the whole apple?", ask the doctor
"Macbook Pro"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:42, Reply)

Why was Sting fired from his job as a paramedic?
It kept taking him six hours to come
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:19, Reply)

I used to get through a lot of Cheese Thins crackers.
Then they brought out 'NEW IMPROVED!' Cheese Thins.

I guess Thins can only get better.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 10 May 2018, 18:40, Reply)

What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus.
(stubhuman, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:34, Reply)

I went to turtle school
but I don't remember what they taught us.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Wed 9 May 2018, 22:20, Reply)

I don't care if you're having rhinoplasty...
...it's no skin off my nose
genuinely thought of that one myself
(Paint! Another one lost, Wed 9 May 2018, 19:26, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:18, Reply)

What bees leave you paralyzed & violated?



Cos-Bees
(holymole, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:15, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

What kind of sugar actually tastes salty?
Alan.
( Smallbrainfield, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:08, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Every new computer I get seems to come installed with a very posh AI with no name. I hate it.
I called support, but they told me to try Turing a Toff anon again.
( blugg (it's all gone horribly wrong), Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)

I just heard the news that my orthodontist died.
But it was ok, I'd already braced myself
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 25 Nov 2022, 7:58, Reply)

What has a lovely voice but contains no active ingredients?
Placebo Domingo
( scruss, Fri 18 Nov 2022, 20:34, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

Why did Chris Martin not enjoy the string quartet?
It was all cello
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 26 Oct 2022, 11:37, Reply)

What's Liz Truss opening this week?

Borked markets!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 29 Sep 2022, 14:53, Reply)

How did William Archibald Spooner's stereotypical Australian cousin describe his glazed porcelain effigy of banned poster dozer to a friend?
"Malcolm Ecstasy is enamel, cobber!"
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 29 Mar 2022, 16:32, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

remember that bloke who tried to bomb Glasgow airport?
He was a right prick in hospital, kept complaining that all they were giving him to eat was haggis, neeps, and tatties.

Well he was in the Burns unit!!!!
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Tue 25 Jan 2022, 13:50, 3 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Charlie, mop, Hyacinth.
Maybe mop, Hyacinth, Charlie.
No. Hyacinth, Charlie, mop.

Just organising my bucket list.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 12 Jan 2022, 20:35, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Supermarket shortages are getting worse, no food anywhere
I know someone who cadged some herbs from a neighbour and has been eating them straight out of the packet, very low nutritional content.

I think they're living on borrowed thyme.
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Sat 2 Oct 2021, 16:44, Reply)

What do you get if you cross nuclear power with a potato?
Fission chips.
(drpdrp1, Fri 24 Sep 2021, 20:07, Reply)

I asked a Scottish farmer...
if he'd consider replacing his cattle prod with an electric guitar.

He said he preferred acoustic.
(Max Harvey, Sat 28 Aug 2021, 7:29, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Why is it illegal to add up in Afghanistan?
Because of the Taliban.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 17 Aug 2021, 8:18, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Which crooner is constantly having to self-isolate?
Ping Crosby.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 20 Jul 2021, 9:30, 15 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Which Thundercats villain got stuck in the Suez Canal?

Mumm-Ra the Ever-Given!!!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 29 Mar 2021, 11:54, Reply)

What is Mrs Doyle's (from Father Ted) favourite type of curry?

Goan!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 2 Mar 2021, 8:33, Reply)

What do you call a domestic pig who can curl up into a spherical shape so that you can play boules with him?
Pet oink!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Wed 18 Nov 2020, 15:27, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

Which famous hairstylist was responsible for making longer hairstyles popular?
COVIDal Sassoon!
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Tue 8 Sep 2020, 19:54, Reply)

What's the easiest way to prepare for a Turkish fast food-themed fancy dress party?
Don a kebab.
( Ghostwriter can't pick up his pencil, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 21:59, Reply)

i don't get why so few people know how to make a greek salad
i mean, it's not rocket science
(ozof, Wed 15 Apr 2020, 5:06, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Scientist say the virus has mutated into a more advanced form
CoDVD -20
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 9 Apr 2020, 0:30, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

What is French electronic musician Jean-Michel Jarre's
favourite time of the day?
MIDI!
( monkeon schmonkeon, Sat 14 Mar 2020, 14:12, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

What has 4 legs in the morning, 2 at midday and 3 in the evening?
This flipping table I'm making, awful at carpentry.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Sat 7 Mar 2020, 19:13, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 27 Jan 2020, 15:39, Reply)

Two prostitutes talking, one says...
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

Other says...

"No but I've been swung round by the tits"
(72targetlad, Sat 17 Aug 2019, 13:47, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Two Monkeys
Two Monkeys in a bath
"OOooOOOo EEEEEeeeee AH HA hahahAAAH!"

"Listen, if its that hot, put some cold in"
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 21:09, Reply)

The only joke I've ever actually created:
(Context - when the big art installation of decorated fibreglass cows was going from city to city around Europe, I was playing in a bar in Zurich. Question to the audience in between numbers.)

Ein Kuh mach Muh.
Machen viele Kühe Mühe ?

I guess you had to be there.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Wed 22 May 2019, 12:12, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

I met Fred Flintstone at a party in the Middle East
It was an Abu Dhabi do
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 19 Dec 2018, 11:15, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Why did the poltergeist not cross the road?
He was trapped on the other side.
( joefish It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 16:06, Reply)

Old users! How do you upset a millennial?
Give them your mortgage repayment date.
( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Sun 2 Sep 2018, 17:40, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Mum Jokes will get you far.
But Dad Jokes will get you father.
(pingudownunder, Tue 22 May 2018, 22:19, Reply)

A skeleton walks into a bar and says
I'll have a pint of lager and a mop please
(Lord Iffy Boatrace, Fri 11 May 2018, 18:22, Reply)

What do you get if you chop a centipede in five?
Twentipedes.
( DogHorse plop, Thu 10 May 2018, 17:18, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

What did Matt Damon contribute to the Oxfam Fair?
Goodwill bunting
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 9 May 2018, 23:17, Reply)

Why do beavers have flat tails?
If they had flat heads, their brains would squirt out of their ears.
( Invisible Wizard - 9th Level Pissant, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:13, Reply)

I don't have the correct security details for the tropical fruit fan site
It keeps saying 'persimmon denied'...
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:42, Reply)

A woman hears her husband is in hospital and rushes to A&E. The doctor, who is Italian, says: "I'm-a sorry. It-a seems-a your ahsband is-a turning into a tree."
She asks, "Oh my God, is he getting any better?"
Says the doctor: "No! He's-a sick-a more!"

(I swear it's funny out loud.)
(LovableJim, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:46, 3 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

What do King's Cross and Yorkshire weather have in common?
T'rain.
(horrid, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:32, Reply)

I told my husband I wanted a personal trainer
So he stencilled “Your breath stinks” onto one of my Nikes.
(Ogginblog, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:20, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 - 56,000 people.
Just some ballpark figures for you.
( mugwump In summary then, oh no. Chris., Tue 8 May 2018, 11:33, Reply)

What do you call an actor who badmouths and slags off those who follow the teachings of the lord Jesus?
Christian Slater.
( mikeisbrill, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:39, Reply)

You can say what you like about italics
but at least they made the trains run on time.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:35, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Why did the pope cross the road?
To bless it.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:29, Reply)

Procol Harum built the biggest sandcastles because they used a wider shape of pail.
(Max Harvey, Fri 6 Oct 2023, 14:16, Reply)

Why is there only one animal in my stable?
Just big horse.
(Max Harvey, Fri 6 Oct 2023, 14:15, Reply)

Who do wellness gurus call in to salvage their reputations when it turns out they're rapey creeps?
Brand Management
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 18 Sep 2023, 9:23, 2 replies, latest was 7 months ago)

Macbeth finds himself in a car park at dusk, somehow.
"Is this a dogger which I see before me?"
(Covid69 Boris variant., Fri 15 Sep 2023, 18:01, 2 replies, latest was 7 months ago)

You can get a Manx cat fixed at any high street retailer.

(Max Harvey, Sun 9 Jul 2023, 8:17, 1 reply, 8 months ago)

If there are 26 tankers waiting to dock, each identified by a different letter of the alphabet, which tanker contains all the gin?

Tanker A.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sun 9 Jul 2023, 8:10, Reply)

Adam Ant reckons the Poirot novels sound too complicated.
I told him, "Read Hercule, it's nothing to be scared of."
(Max Harvey, Sun 9 Jul 2023, 7:42, Reply)

What’s the difference between b3ta and your Mum?
One is filled with cocks, and the other is filled with dicks.
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Sun 25 Jun 2023, 4:38, Reply)

What’s the difference between b3ta and your Mum?
One of them is filled with bitter middle-aged men
( Cheers Cheers, Thu 22 Jun 2023, 11:02, 1 reply, 10 months ago)

I took up a mate's offer to sell cannabis resin for him
I made a hash of it
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 23 May 2023, 8:12, 1 reply, 11 months ago)

What do you call a chemical that only kills vintage VW cars
Herbiecide
(delurkrelurk, Fri 21 Apr 2023, 19:57, Reply)

Lizards in the Western Pyrenees like to be alone when lying in the sun.
- Really?

- Yes. They are bask separatists.
( hagbardsapple no dialogue with twunts, Tue 11 Apr 2023, 13:53, 2 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

I went to use my drill and a juggling robot suddenly appeared to help me
It threw me a bit
( Dick Wonder ₐ wₒₙₖy, wₐᵥy wₒₙdₑᵣ, Thu 30 Mar 2023, 21:48, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

I'm giving a presentation over a streaming service about an app based on using spanish football tactics in noughts and crosses
It's a tiki-taka tic tac toe tech tiktok ted talk
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 30 Mar 2023, 4:21, 11 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

I dropped a tomahawk on my car
It was an accident
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 22 Mar 2023, 3:13, 9 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

The US announced it will continue to use standard imperial measurements
But not furlong.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Sat 11 Feb 2023, 15:52, 2 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

How did William Archibald Spooner's domestic cavy refer to its temporary job manufacturing pinafores?
A pinny gig!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 30 Jan 2023, 8:38, Reply)

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
An ambulance
(sticklebricks it's you daddy!, Sun 18 Sep 2022, 15:10, Reply)

I invited my good friend Russ Abbot round for dinner
His eyes were drawn to a souvenir I'd picked up from a recent trip to the Dodecanese. It was a marble ball, about the size of a tennis ball, with an image of John the revelator carved in relief. Unfortunately poor John bore a striking resemblance to a member of N Dubz.

Russ was captivated. I asked him if he liked it. "Oh you know I love a party with a Dappy Patmos sphere."
(Rob Manual, Wed 27 Jul 2022, 20:52, Reply)

Very funny joke with mass appeal
Q. How does a Linux sysadmin treat nappy rash when his baby won't let him apply crem?

A. sudo crem
( hagbardsapple no dialogue with twunts, Sat 25 Jun 2022, 11:56, Reply)

Which American singer, actress and television personality can you sit upon?
Cher
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Thu 12 May 2022, 8:26, 10 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Where do gay policewomen live?
Lesbi Avenue.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 9 Mar 2022, 23:45, Reply)

I once did some work on the side for Stanley Kubrick
Moonlighting?

Yes, but don't tell the conspiracy theorists!
(electricgoose, Sun 6 Feb 2022, 8:44, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

"I once appeared in an experimental theatre production about a high-level, often just-in-time compiled language."

"Javascript?"

"No, it was entirely improvised."
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 31 Jan 2022, 12:31, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

How do you make a dead baby sink?
hollow out its stomach and install taps in its eye sockets
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 11 Jan 2022, 6:22, 4 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Which popular reggae singer performs dressed as Widow Twankey?

Panto Banton!
(Agent Pr1ck llǝɯs ǝɥʇ sʇI ˙ǝɔɐld sᴉɥʇ ǝʇɐɥ l, Sun 28 Nov 2021, 16:54, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

what does a bee take in the bathroom?
apis
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Fri 15 Oct 2021, 15:11, Reply)

I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke
Q. What is the definition of irony?

A. How magnets taste.
(zabadak, Mon 4 Oct 2021, 9:54, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

my neighbour gave me some nitrous oxide mixed with Oxo cubes, he's made me a laughing stock

(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Fri 3 Sep 2021, 13:31, Reply)

What do you call a duckling that lost all its baby feathers after being infected with Covid-19?

Lackdown.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Fri 26 Feb 2021, 12:21, Reply)

Which Plantagenet king was so hairy that he was often mistaken for a bear?
Richard the Furred.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sun 3 Jan 2021, 15:36, 28 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Nigel farage popped round earlier to pick up his copy of the Ian Curtis biopic he'd lent me over Christmas
He was taking back control
(Rob Manual, Fri 1 Jan 2021, 16:27, Reply)

What did popular West Country singer 'Boney M' say
when he was told that his illegitimate daughter is popular food television personality Mary Berry?

"Berry's Moi choild? Jesus Chroist."
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 7 Dec 2020, 14:18, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

How many E's in beer?
Just one. do you wanna dance? I wanna dance
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 28 Aug 2020, 10:03, Reply)

What do you call an oppressive potato that resembles a penis?
A dick tater.
( gub~gub can't find the hummus, Wed 15 Jul 2020, 0:04, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Elton John stays in a hotel...
At breakfast, he starts crying when he is served.
"What's up, sir?" says the waiter when he sees Elton crying.
"This egg," says Elton, "It's a little bit runny..."
(zx4ever, Thu 2 Jul 2020, 15:29, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

My doctor told me I was grossly overweight.....
I demanded a second opinion.
He said "Okay, your an ugly cunt as well."
(china_crisis R Tape loading error, 0:1, Sat 16 May 2020, 13:45, Reply)

Did you see that film about the unrepentant cannibal misogynist?
Gladiator.
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Mon 4 May 2020, 12:28, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

A virus walks into a bar
The barman looks at it and asks
"What are you, and how did you get here?"
The virus replies
"Flu"
The obvious problem with this is that it relies on you hearing it without having heard one of the possible spellings. I'm so, so
and so is my joke.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Sat 4 Apr 2020, 1:48, Reply)

Why can't you run through a campground?
You can only ever have ran because it's past tense...
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Tue 31 Mar 2020, 22:29, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints
( ProjectWeasel The Bird is the Word, Fri 8 Nov 2019, 9:49, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

How many Tourette's sufferers does i-SOAPY TIT WANK!
Bum. :/
(STFU! I said STFU!, Fri 16 Aug 2019, 15:56, Reply)

She asked me this morning: "At what time are you leaving?", to which I replied: "Brexit."

(which means NEVER lol)
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Sun 11 Aug 2019, 12:26, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What's brown and driving home for christmas?
Chris Diarrhea
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 8 Aug 2019, 13:42, 2 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

Why did the feminist keep overeating at Greggs?
It was the fault of the pastriarchy
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 5 Jul 2019, 7:12, Reply)

Why didn't Billy Idol start the fire?
Sorry I've mucked this one up. Why didn't get Billy Idol get arrested for starting a fire. Arson. Why didn't Billy Idol. Billy Joel. Why didn't Billy Joel get arrested for arson?
Because we, I mean he, didn't start the fire!
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 25 Jun 2019, 3:43, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

I heard a really good joke about UDP
But you might not get it
( H.B.Mupps, Fri 21 Jun 2019, 14:51, 1 reply, 5 years ago)

Did you hear that the alphabet died?
Died from a vowel obstruction.
( $$ ✅, Mon 10 Jun 2019, 11:18, Reply)

A friend told me about Breaking Bad...
...so I bought him another copy. It's his favourite Michael Jackson album.
( Ivana Puliakokov, Fri 30 Nov 2018, 13:44, Reply)

I got a really nice letter from the bank today.
Apparently my last payment was outstanding
( Spunky McPunk not dead yet, Mon 26 Nov 2018, 21:14, Reply)

the stationary shop just up the road from me has moved!!!

( skullbuggery uh huh! kissed a cow!, Sun 25 Nov 2018, 19:50, 3 replies, latest was 5 years ago)

An uncle of mine once ran a factory that made specialist paper for origami
But it folded.
(jpr74, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 21:05, Reply)

What's Sherlock Holmes' favourite plant?
A lemon tree.
( maia is thinking about gnomes, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:58, Reply)

BREAKING: Alcoholic Country Becomes Beholden To A Drinking Establishment, Signs Declaration Of Inn Dependence

( maia is thinking about gnomes, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:53, Reply)

I'm going to marry the lady at the fish market.
She's the girl of my breams.
( maia is thinking about gnomes, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:51, Reply)

The teacher asks the class what historic landmark would represent them
Sally puts her hand up first and says, "I'd be St Pauls Cathedral. It stayed standing proud in the Blitz when times were darkest, and symbolised hope to all Londoners"
"An excellent choice, Sally", says the teacher
Sundeep put's his hand up next, "I'd be stonehenge, Miss. It showed great resilience by lasting thousands of years, and contains ancient wisdom"
Finally, the teacher asks Billy what he'd be.
"I'd be Big Ben in the afternoon", he replies.
"And why's that, Billy?"
"Because I've just had three bongs"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 18 Sep 2018, 12:07, Reply)

my little sister
used to tell bizarre kangaroo-based jokes as a kid. i think the weirdest one was: "why did the kangaroo cross the road? because he wanted to go to the shop and buy a pot noodle and cook it in his brains to make his brains go wiggly"
then she laughed for a solid ten minutes , whilst we looked on, bewildered.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 17 Sep 2018, 15:21, Reply)

I like satire because I have a Juvenal sense of humour.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Fri 7 Sep 2018, 17:57, Reply)

They say the secret of comedy is timing...
Which probably explains why my audiences keep looking at their watches.
(WholeGrain Using the same sig since, Thu 6 Sep 2018, 21:01, Reply)

Please help!
I'm trying to find an online tutorial for advanced makeup techniques, but all I can find are foundation courses...
( Barbarossa is not my real name, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 22:24, Reply)

The winner of the funniests.
When Arnold Chegwin was a young man, he decided that he wanted to be a pub.
He loved the pub after spending time in his local, "The Queen's Arms". 'I'd love to be a pub', he would think.
With a roaring fire and everybody inside me laughing away...

As time passed and he grew older, he settled on running a pub rather than actually being one.
He purchased "The Painted Duck", in Chelmsford and very well he ran it too, with his loyal wife Cathy. Eventually, Cathy would bare him, three beautiful children. Joyce, Janice and Roy. Janice sadly drowned in a pond swimming at eleven and Joyce moved to New Zealand with a man called Taylor, which left Roy to run the pub, as he entered his teens and Arnold could no longer perform the tasks needed.
Roy didn't much like the pub, he thought it was too loud, too smoky and too much like hard work. However, after time, and with little skills to find other work, he did eventually take to it and took over the pub from his father. Roy had a reputation as a miserable landlord, but his wife Alice was good fun if somewhat a lush. Roy and Alice had only one son. Keith was a quiet boy, a bit slow for his age, but kind and with a cheeky face, that he kept on his head.
Keith and his grandfather were very close.
One day Arnold Chegwin heard a story he was all too familiar with, young Keith sat on his lap on the sofa in the snug at the pub he had once run and said 'grandad, when I grow up, I want to be a pub!' Arnold smiled at Keith, 'I want to be a big happy pub and have people smiling and shouting and laughing inside me' Keith sang. Small tears formed in Arnold's blue eyes and he hugged his beautiful grandson.
'Now Keith you must listen to me, when you grow up, you'll inherit this pub from your daddy, you can run this pub and be in here all the time, but I'm afraid you can never actually BE a pub my lad'
Keith looked a little upset then queried 'why grandad? Why can I not be a pub?'
'... because Cheggers can't be boozers!' he shouted into the terrified lad's face.
(jindodsdadsdogsdead I am not stusut79, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 13:36, Reply)

Looking for recommendations for a Corrective Plastic Surgeon...
any suggestions I'm all ears!
( Boris Johnson's Press Secretary, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 18:26, Reply)

What do you call somebody who compulsively steals from Polish shops?
A Skleptomaniac
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sat 25 Aug 2018, 21:33, Reply)

it's not my joke, goes almost like this:
I once had a job digging holes for water. it was well boring.
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Fri 24 Aug 2018, 15:59, Reply)

What do you call someone who delivers Indian cuisine?
A courier.
(immadme, Wed 16 May 2018, 18:39, Reply)

What do you call an angry hippie?
Incensed.
(stubhuman, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:27, Reply)

I was once inappropriatedly touched by the Chuckle Brothers
#MeTooToMeToYou
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:45, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

I have a growth the exact size and shape of a Sumerian burial chamber.
It's a tomb Ur.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Wed 9 May 2018, 15:51, Reply)

Waiter waiter!
I'll have a crocodile sandwich and hurry the fuck up!
(835Rocks, Tue 8 May 2018, 21:15, Reply)

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
( pxyzyzygy, Tue 8 May 2018, 19:15, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

MUSIC NEWS: Sting single-handedly foiled a robbery today
He said he didn't need any Police backup
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:20, Reply)

Hear about the monk who kept going to sleep in his clothes?
He just couldn't get out of the habit.
(MattDP (Squiggle), Tue 8 May 2018, 17:19, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

My girlfriend complained that my colander was too small.
She might think it's tiny, but I know is ma sieve.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:21, Reply)

If weddings aren't depressing
why are the cakes always in tiers?
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:20, Reply)

What is the most famous French cannibal film?
Jules et Jim.
(sproutmaster, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:17, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Why did John Lennon sing, "I am the Eggman"?
Because he married Yolko Ono.

(sorry)
( rob, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:05, Reply)

A real woman
is equal to her complex conjugate.
( spacefish bong!, Tue 8 May 2018, 12:10, Reply)

...
For years I've been using the phrase "Kruger-Dunning effect", which just goes to show.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:04, Reply)

"Popular Irish Reggae Singers"
By Pat Ó Banton
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 21 Mar 2024, 15:52, Reply)

- Which of our offices are you applying to work in?

- Durham role please.

- Be quicker if you just told me.
(Max Harvey, Fri 8 Mar 2024, 14:23, Reply)

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
brb
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Fri 9 Feb 2024, 3:09, 1 reply, 2 months ago)

Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who
Doctor Mitchell, I came as soon as I could.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 31 Jan 2024, 1:19, Reply)

Can you write a joke about The Porcupine From Purgatory please?

Sure, here's a joke about "The Porcupine From Purgatory":

Why did the Porcupine from Purgatory refuse to play cards?

Because he was afraid of getting stuck with the spades!
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 5 Jan 2024, 13:21, 7 replies, latest was 3 months ago)

Which rock band from New Jersey toured the Island of Dr. Moreau?
My Chimerical Romance!
( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Mon 1 Jan 2024, 0:56, Reply)

Which Strictly judge is so dense that they provide stability to the whole show?
Dame Shirley Ballast
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sun 17 Dec 2023, 11:33, 2 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

On the way to the station yesterday I passed a charity shop and someone had left a scrabble set outside
but some kids must have got to it and there were tiles scattered everywhere.

I thought "On no! this could spell disaster!"
(karnuvap, Mon 11 Dec 2023, 21:35, Reply)

I just had underwhelming italian food. The farfalle was undercooked, the canneloni was overdone, the spaghetti was flavourless, the chef seems to have some problems cooking pasta.
...he made a fusilli mistakes!!!!
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Tue 5 Dec 2023, 17:54, Reply)

I went to this vegan event, when a woman who was there started insisting she knows me from somewhere.
Sadly, I don't think I've ever seen herbivore
(jungleismassive, Sat 2 Dec 2023, 20:57, 2 replies, latest was 4 months ago)

"What happened to your puppies?"
"Oh, I gave them away to a nice Thai family from somewhere in Warwickshire"

"Nuneaton?"

"No, you're thinking of Koreans"
(ElPresidente, Mon 20 Nov 2023, 22:48, Reply)

Shouting at wine waiters is the pinot call of bad manners.
(Max Harvey, Fri 6 Oct 2023, 14:16, Reply)

Similarities
I discovered an interesting thing the other day.

Did you know that on the Canary Islands, in the Eastern Atlantic, just off the coast of Western Sahara, that there are in fact, no canaries? Yep, none, nada, nix, zero canaries.

It’s the same thing on the Virgin Islands (where Richard Branson lives). Across the entire Virgin Islands you will not find one canary.
(I_Identify, Fri 29 Sep 2023, 1:08, 5 replies, latest was 7 months ago)

what do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
I don't know! Fucking hell leave me alone you weirdo!
(sticklebricks it's you daddy!, Mon 25 Sep 2023, 10:17, Reply)

I was sceptical when they told me I'd won the Crab Fighting Contest.
I took it with a pinch assault.
(Max Harvey, Fri 25 Aug 2023, 10:04, Reply)

My interview to be a dictator went so well, they hired me on despot.

(Max Harvey, Fri 25 Aug 2023, 10:03, Reply)

How did the nazi justify shooting someone during the main course?
He was only following hors d'oeuvres
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 13 Jul 2023, 22:39, Reply)

Which mouse duetted with Elton John on two occasions?
Squeaky Dee!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 27 Jun 2023, 9:29, Reply)

I took up a mate's offer to start plane engines manually by spinning the propeller for him
I was thrilled to finally get a propper job
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 30 May 2023, 8:30, Reply)

Which popular reggae singer is a weapon-wielding weirdo from Qo'noS?

P'takh Bat'leth!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 16 May 2023, 10:39, 2 replies, latest was 10 months ago)

Which Suffragette was famed for her love of practical jokes?
Emmeline Prankhurst!
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Tue 18 Apr 2023, 8:40, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

I walked into a bar
and got disqualified from the limbo competition.
(CleverLittlePIg, Wed 5 Apr 2023, 21:35, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

They say the hospice industry is booming, but my business failed.
They foreclosed on my bottling plant and I had to sell the whole stable of hosses.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Mon 20 Mar 2023, 21:14, Reply)

Which German-French multinational company that produces baking goods is a sworn enemy of Spider-Man?

Dr. Oetkerpus!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 13 Mar 2023, 8:48, Reply)

Tattoo
I went to the tattoo shop and asked for an impressionist scene all the way from my shoulders to my waist and paid them £500. The artist worked tirelessly for hours. When I looked in the mirror I was appalled to find they had inked Edvard Munch's The Scream. I said I wasn't happy and I wanted my back Monet.
(CleverLittlePIg, Wed 8 Mar 2023, 21:31, Reply)

what do dogs like best about trees?
bark
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 2 Mar 2023, 6:58, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

Which Irish harbingers of death deliver Sean Connery's diabetes medication?
The Banshees of Inshulin.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 23 Feb 2023, 8:12, 1 reply, 1 year ago)

Q. What comedian will turn on you and angrily insist that, no, he WASN'T just doing impressions of George from Rainbow and Mrs Slocombe and that in fact maybe it was YOU who were doing them?
A. Bobby DARVO.
( hagbardsapple no dialogue with twunts, Sun 29 Jan 2023, 15:41, Reply)

Have you heard about the George Floyd musical?
Critics say it's a absolute breathtaker.
(FrenchBoast, Mon 26 Dec 2022, 16:48, 5 replies, latest was 1 year ago)

How cold was it last night in Mississippi?
Tupelo zero.
( LS18, Sat 24 Dec 2022, 17:54, Reply)

I developed a plan to sell a mixture of flour, water, and yeast to a bakery in Jaipur
They said it was a naan starter.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Wed 23 Nov 2022, 4:45, Reply)

How does Arnold Schwarzenegger like his chicken kiev?
Uzi
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Tue 22 Nov 2022, 18:24, Reply)

What was the only noise heard during the two minute silence?
The Queen's coffin'.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Mon 19 Sep 2022, 19:11, Reply)

"So, do you remember what were you doing when you heard the news?"
"Yes, I was watching the news."
(Covid69 Boris variant., Fri 9 Sep 2022, 8:16, Reply)

What's Marty McFly's favourite racecourse?
Haydock (as in 'Hey, Doc')
(GaryRusson, Sat 3 Sep 2022, 10:35, 4 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

I've been intensively studying the piano for five years, and all I can play is one Beethoven sonata.
It's Pathétique.
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Thu 25 Aug 2022, 18:39, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Which academic disciplines did the victims of the Hindenberg disaster study?

Oh, the Humanities!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 1 Aug 2022, 12:14, Reply)

I've been hospitalised following a peekaboo accident.
I'm in the ICU.
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Tue 26 Jul 2022, 16:38, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What haute couture does Harry Potter wear?
Dumbledior
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 22 Jul 2022, 12:10, Reply)

What do you call a tennis player who typically has sexual relations with one gender, but is curious about having sex with a different gender?
Bi-Kyrgios.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 11 Jul 2022, 8:30, 8 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Say what like about the japs, they know how to get rid of a prime minister quickly

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 8 Jul 2022, 16:42, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Doctor Doctor
I used to really struggle with the thought that I was a Tenon saw!

How are you now?

I'm Coping!
(b0rk3d Jokes are better than technique!, Tue 14 Jun 2022, 14:42, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

My heavily pregnant friend is worried people will rest their crockery on her bump this weekend.
She's not looking forward to the platter numb due belly.
(Max Harvey, Thu 2 Jun 2022, 13:34, Reply)

What popular reggae singer is a young professional ballroom dancer's father giving him a bath?

Pa tub Anton!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Mon 30 May 2022, 23:17, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Did you hear about the first person to encrust headphones in pastry?
They were a real pioneer
(Craigmas, Mon 30 May 2022, 21:53, Reply)

Which song was Welsh man-boy Aled Jones singing while he sealed up the joints in the piping during his guest appearance as a plumber on Eastenders?
'We're Caulking in the Square.'
(Covid69 Boris variant., Tue 3 May 2022, 17:01, 6 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Which hip-hop producer has a head full of squirrels?

Dr Drey
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Fri 22 Apr 2022, 10:43, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

what rhymes with and stinks like poo?
you
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Thu 21 Apr 2022, 15:19, 15 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

How can you tell when a Jaws actor has died?
He kiels over
( Turtle Power & Knuckles, Thu 7 Apr 2022, 15:57, Reply)

Ive been watching the women's biathalon at the winter olympics, but so far I've only seen them with other women

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 15 Feb 2022, 12:40, 8 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Which inexplicably popular radio presenter doesn't 'get' b3ta in-jokes?

RIS Evans!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 8 Feb 2022, 9:55, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

I was invited to Robert De Niro's house for an evening meal once. When I got there he was wearing an army jacket, had a mohican, and was talking to himself in a mirror. All he served for his guests was cubes of frozen water.

It was a Travis tea of just ice.
(beepeedee Inner City Sumo, Wed 2 Feb 2022, 13:31, 5 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 28 Jan 2022, 23:59, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

I'm opening a trad-Irish-themed gay club.
It's going to be called Sodom And Begorrah.
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Sat 1 Jan 2022, 19:08, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Which popular reggae singer is a Spanish potato?

Patata Banton!!!
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Fri 31 Dec 2021, 10:42, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What did phil collins say to the vet?
well take a look at me cow
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 26 Dec 2021, 8:15, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What did the Tourette's sufferer say when he saw Santa's reindeer?
Fuckcuntwankbollocks.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Wed 22 Dec 2021, 18:07, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

Why do latina women have big butts?
To muffle their farts from all the beans.
(PoppinFools4Fun, Mon 13 Dec 2021, 19:28, 2 replies, latest was 2 years ago)

Which rap group walked this way quickly to the toilet?
Runs DMC
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 28 Oct 2021, 22:38, 1 reply, 2 years ago)

What did The Village People exclaim upon hearing about the death of their favourite Beastie Boy?
WHY MC A!?!
(Damien Hurts just forgot a really good idea, Sun 24 Oct 2021, 22:26, Reply)

Whose famous last words were "Kiss me hard-on"?
Fellatio Nelson
(Iawn Cont, Wed 20 Oct 2021, 11:43, Reply)

Why does the Starship Enterprise smell?
Because William Shatner.
( 2kindsofherring, Fri 15 Oct 2021, 8:57, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

I've started a crane rental business
It wasn't going well at first, but business is picking up.
(visualdichotomy will be otherwise occupied until, Sat 9 Oct 2021, 19:46, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke


(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Wed 6 Oct 2021, 16:24, 2 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

I’d like to talk about anachronisms…
…but now is not the right time.
(Delay Tactics Intentionally left blank, Wed 29 Sep 2021, 21:34, Reply)

My girlfriend said that my hair stinks!
I said that it's because I listened to her and stopped using shampoo... I now use the real stuff instead.
(Iawn Cont, Wed 29 Sep 2021, 16:15, Reply)

Why was Gloria Gaynor fired from her job as cricket commentator?
Because she never could say "good bye"
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 17 Sep 2021, 23:55, Reply)

What do the police eat at the cinema?
Copcorn.
(beanolabub, Fri 10 Sep 2021, 20:12, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

I took my dog to the vet
and the vet picked him up and looked him over. Then he turned to me and said 'I'll have to put him down'.

'Why, is he too heavy?'

'No, he's riddled with cancer and is in terrible pain.'
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 31 Aug 2021, 13:58, Reply)

Which moon of Saturn went on a killing spree because none of the lady moons wanted to shag it?
Inceladus.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Sat 14 Aug 2021, 19:01, Reply)

What's the similarity between a Picasso painting and The House of Commons?
They both have ayes to the right and noes to the left.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 12 Aug 2021, 13:50, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

What's the deadliest curry?
Biryani, because it's got rice in.
( Mr. Tea dole-nonce-amuser extraordinaire, Thu 5 Aug 2021, 13:26, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

Why did the kraut rock?
Because it can.
(markreynolds95, Wed 14 Jul 2021, 10:58, 1 reply, 3 years ago)

Why are England fans like my wife?
Because they are getting excited about seeing two semis in the last three years.
(Covid69 Boris variant., Mon 5 Jul 2021, 15:13, Reply)

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

He doesn't - he's dead.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 25 May 2021, 8:34, 7 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

In which part of Yorkshire has a Nepalese dish become very popular, and what is it called?

On Ilkley Moor, dal bhat.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 18 May 2021, 12:53, Reply)

What did Noel Gallagher say after kindly fitting a hearing aid to a deaf insect?
"Bee hear now"
( rob, Fri 30 Apr 2021, 12:53, 3 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the whole ship was on spockdown
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 25 Feb 2021, 9:12, 13 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

I did Nazi that coming!
Did you know all of Adolf Hitler's friends used to call him Richard Potato.

..Everyone else called him Dick Tater.

I'll get my coat then.
"Taxi"
*Leaves very quickly *
(TheRiddler Hmmmmm... I concur., Sun 6 Dec 2020, 19:38, Reply)

What do you call a wine bar that only serves Sauvignon Blanc and plays endless noughties pop-soul/jazz in the background?

Samey Winehouse.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Thu 3 Dec 2020, 22:39, Reply)

How does Jerome "Little Anthony" Gourdine of Little Anthony and the Imperials
know what the Coronavirus restrictions are, immediately upon waking up in the morning?

Tiers on his pillow.
(The Porcupine From Purgatory Writtern By the Winners, Tue 24 Nov 2020, 14:54, 6 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

What do you call a recently-deceased ex-bond actor who has had his bodily hair removed in order to be prepared for embalming?
SHORN Connery!
( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Tue 3 Nov 2020, 3:44, 7 replies, latest was 3 years ago)

What did Boy George order at his local curry house?
Korma, korma, korma, korma, korma curry meal eat in.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 16 Oct 2020, 4:43, Reply)

What does a cannibal have for breakfast?
Feetabix!

Sorry.
(fluckstlicks Whatever you do, do it improperly!, Fri 21 Aug 2020, 1:19, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar...
The barman looks up and says "Hey, I know you! Didn't you eat my thesaurus?"
"Nope" says the horse.
(FieldingMellish, Sun 28 Jun 2020, 7:30, 1 reply, 4 years ago)

Why did the duck look down when he got a letter from the electric company?
He felt he needed to lower his bill.
(delurkrelurk, Sat 27 Jun 2020, 22:38, Reply)

Why do dogs lick their balls?
Because they taste great, trust me
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 14 May 2020, 12:45, Reply)

Why did Her majesty go to the dentist?
Because she didn't 'queen' her teeth
( claptonista ,the idiot boy.........., Wed 13 May 2020, 21:59, Reply)

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing from a monastery?
He got 12 monks.
(hiraeth SPACE £19.99. I say yer buy one yer get one free, Fri 28 Feb 2020, 20:09, Reply)

A man walks into a bar
Cheers
( Cheers Cheers, Tue 4 Feb 2020, 22:22, Reply)

Why do old assembly programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

31 Oct is the same as 25 Dec.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Fri 31 Jan 2020, 8:33, Reply)

Not written, just found by archiologists
A bloke in t'pub actually said today "which runner has the smelliest feet?". Confused looks were met by the reply "Gorgonzola Budd". Confused looks continued by anyone under the age of whenever the Beano printed that in the '80s.
( The Trout of Doubt, Thu 30 Jan 2020, 1:58, 2 replies, latest was 4 years ago)

How many bloods did it take before someone made a film about Rambo?
One.
( The Legendary Pink Dot isn't impressed by this whole "internet" thing, Mon 26 Aug 2019, 19:45, Reply)

Best joke ever.
Q. Why did the fish sink?
A. Because it was a brick.
Credit for this work of genius must be given to my autistic freind, Neil R.
(Shashi, Sat 24 Aug 2019, 22:17, Reply)

What do you call a cunt who writes on underwater boats?
Subscribe you cunt
b3ta.com/subscribe
( rob, Fri 16 Aug 2019, 19:44, Reply)

What's yellow and very dangerous?
China.
( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Sat 20 Jul 2019, 1:26, Reply)

I once wrote a one-line story about the refractive properties of glass but it was so bad I got a prism sentence.

( Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Tue 2 Jul 2019, 11:17, Reply)

What is Phil Collins' favourite Chinese branch of a Swedish high-end audio retailer?
Suzhou Sudio.
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Fri 24 May 2019, 22:58, Reply)

Wh-What's Ph-Ph-Phil C-C-C-C-Collins' fa-fa-favourite pu-pu-pu-puzzle?
Su-su-su-doku.
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Wed 22 May 2019, 14:38, Reply)

How do they put the holes in a colander?





Sieve I care.
(Delay Tactics Intentionally left blank, Wed 15 May 2019, 22:13, Reply)

What does Phil Collins instruct his lawyers to do when he wants to initiate triple legal action against deceased Rainbow singer Ronnie James?
Sue-sue-sue Dio.
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Fri 10 May 2019, 22:14, Reply)

Which reggae singer sexually assaults people on the posterior?

Pato Bottom!!!
( $$ ✅, Mon 17 Dec 2018, 12:01, Reply)

Thom Yorke's dog's got no nose.
How does it smell?

Exceptionally morose.
( bent reznor the brownward spiral, Tue 20 Nov 2018, 12:55, Reply)

I met my other half at an internet cafe
It was love at first site
( The_cold_stare Coming here only when very, very bored, Tue 20 Nov 2018, 0:50, Reply)

I'm currently reading a book about an immortal pet dog.
It's unputdownable.
( krang, Sat 17 Nov 2018, 7:21, Reply)

I spent ages struggling to understand popular groups at school, but eventually it just cliqued.

( Ivana Puliakokov, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 18:40, Reply)

My dog's got no nose. How does it smell?
It doesn't, bled to death due to the nose injury.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Thu 18 Oct 2018, 14:32, Reply)

all signing, all dancing: musicals for the hearing impaired

( maia is thinking about gnomes, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:59, Reply)

Why does Crystal Gayle insert smurfs into her bottom
She wants to make her brown eye blue........
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Mon 24 Sep 2018, 22:45, Reply)

Whenever I print out invoices for both my Kurdish clients...
...I do so on paper that I've torn from my paperback copy of "How To Look Good Naked".

I like to bill two kurds with Wan's tome.
(nobuttocks last besmirched the internet on, Mon 24 Sep 2018, 14:28, Reply)

i tried to make a sauce vert, but it went wrong
boy, was THAT a waste of thyme!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 23 Sep 2018, 15:59, Reply)

Have you tried the Dickensian Orphanage Chef workout regime?
Let me tell you: it's gruelling.
(sinisterdexter, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 9:33, Reply)

I was so hungry last night I ate the magazine that was sitting on my bedside table.
Now I've got Readers Indigestion.
(JewelKnightJess, Fri 24 Aug 2018, 14:27, Reply)

I find it impossible to look at cream cakes
The doctor says it's a problem with my profiterole vision.
( krang, Sun 19 Aug 2018, 21:27, Reply)

*ahem*
If a travel agent is surrounded by a ring of small islands, are they atoll-protected?
( mugwump In summary then, oh no. Chris., Mon 4 Jun 2018, 0:49, Reply)

Why doesn't the Labour party use Norton Antivirus?
It's cos they're bit anti Symantec.
(MC Chicken Sandwich Me gusta ver la pornografía de los milfs., Mon 14 May 2018, 20:50, Reply)

Which type of bread has a sense of humour?
Rye
(Ryja, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:50, Reply)

What can you clean your teeth with, sleep in and write with?
A toothbrush, a bed and a pen.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 11 May 2018, 11:20, Reply)

Q. Why did the horse cross its legs?
A. It REALLY needed a poo.
( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Thu 10 May 2018, 22:48, Reply)

Understand doesn't my wife me

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 10 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)

Members of ISIS have formed a tribute band in honour of David Byrne's post-punk new wave combo outfit.
They're calling themselves "Taking Heads."
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)

What do you say to a non-gender specific person engaged to fit carpets who needs to get a move on but has told you in passing that s/he has a degree in Spanish language
Underlay underlay
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Why were there so many Crusades?
Because they're so Moorish.
( Natt, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:54, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

I wrote a musical about STDs.
All the songs are really catchy.
(Mr._Pickles, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:15, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

Do Limericks count?
I don't know
Maybe they do
Maybe they don't
This one doesn't rhyme
( thebear is thebear, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:41, 2 replies, latest was 6 years ago)

Sean Connery...
...is worried his distinctive voice is stopping him getting decent roles. He asks an Ear Nose and Throat specialist for an opinion. The Doc tells him he thinks the problem is with his sinus

Sean goes nuts...

"Shyness? I haven't got a shy bone in my bloody body!"
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 May 2018, 15:07, Reply)

Herb Garden For Sale
No Thyme Wasters
( Ninj, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:04, Reply)

I was in a convent garden when I interrupted a lady talking about Jesus to ask about her large gardening scissors.
It was a nun-secateur.
(KingOfMyCastle, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:15, Reply)

Somebody called me a pepper pot today.
I just took it as a condiment.
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Tue 8 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

A load of dogs have just escaped from the police station.
Luckily the police are currently out there chasing many leads.
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Tue 8 May 2018, 10:33, 1 reply, 6 years ago)

My wife reads a lot of early twentieth century literature examining class and hipocracy.
- Forster?

- no need, she loves them.
( bounder not here that often, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)

Which video game member of the eulipotyphlan family Erinaceidae had a number one in 1998 with It Feels So Good?
Sonique The Hedgehog.
( mikeisbrill, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:57, Reply)

I went to an aquarium and there was a fish singing Dean Martin songs.
I asked one of the staff, "What's that fish singing?"
He replied, "That's a Moray".
( Smallbrainfield, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:36, Reply)

What do you call an arachnid wearing white gloves and shouting, "r u on 1 matey?"
A house spider.
( rob, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:35, Reply)