NEWSLETTER: "BREAKING: THE LABOUR PARTY"
This Week:
* BUTTYSTOCK - crisp sandwich photos
* CAROL VORDERMAN SIMULATOR - oh yes!
* FESSHOLE - terrible carrot/bottom confession
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're botting every
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | entertainment concept
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta cyber-telegram 728 - 21rd Sepsis 2019
Read this issue to someone younger on TikTok:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue728
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making "brown sausages for Mr Flush"
>> ButtyStock: No 1 Crisp Sandwich Photo Site <<
Carbohydrate enthusiast Matt Round writes, "I
hired several people to each produce around 100
photos of crisp sandwiches, paying them with
hundreds of bags of crisps. Some fell by the
wayside under the weight of the challenge (and
looming best-before dates on the slightly dodgy
crisps), others rose to the occasion. All must
hate me now, but luckily none were hospitalised
with salt poisoning. All the pics are released
under CC0/public domain, and I'll probably add
a few hundred more at some point."
Matt continues, "If people might want to
contribute their own pics, follow @VOLEwtf on
Twitter or Instagram for announcements. But no
problem if that's too faffy/spammy, I'll
probably be adding a Help Wanted page to site
that'll make it easier to gather/coordinate
stuff."
https://vole.wtf/buttystock/
>> Carol Vorderman simulator <<
Monkeon writes, "It's old, so may not be
relevant, but I've rebuilt my Carol Vorderman
simulator to save it from the Flash graveyard.
I've also added messaging to it so you can now
send filth." Next week: Rachel Riley simulator
"Ooh ain't that Jerermy Corbyn awful? Aren't
people online horrid?"
https://monkeon.co.uk/vordertron/
>> Fruity song <<
Pi Bennett has made a song for kids about
peaches and plums and bananas. Well fruit
basically. Maybe it'll get stuck in your head
and not in your throat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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Which singer can you boot up?
Adele
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: FESSHOLE
Your barbaric behaviour, confessed
We've been asking you to contribute your
darkest confessions to a form and we post out
our favourites on a Twitter bot. It's genuinely
seedy, like Reader's Wives for the Ceefax
generation.
* "I am addicted to Pork Scratchings. My wife
and friends found out that I was eating them
and wanted me to stop. I told her I had. I was
on 2 packs a day. I am now on 4 and eating them
on the way home from work."
* "Sarah from secondary school told me daily
that I was ugly, repulsive, would never find a
boyfriend and would die a virgin. Last year I
fucked her husband."
* "My wife insisted I saw a therapist so I told
her I found one. I actually put my non-existent
therapist's £60 'fee' in a treat fund for
myself and go sit in the pub for an hour."
* "I got curious and stuck a carrot up my arse.
Then panicked and thought my parents would
notice the missing carrot so returned it to the
cupboard. We ate it for dinner that night."
Keep confessing. Trained vicars are waiting for
your fetid typing, definitely rubbing their
thighs.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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"Doctor, doctor... The GUI on my Unix based
system has crashed and it's left me with just a
command line prompt. Is it serious?"
"I'm afraid it's Terminal."
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff to click made by dicks
>> Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2019 <<
The finalists are in, in the competition that
gives free content to publishers. Hope the
photographers get something out of it.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/gallery/20...
>> "Alec Guinness Hated Star Wars And I Should Know" <<
Remember the famous story about Alec Guinness
telling a young Star Wars fan that he should
never watch the movie again? Well that child,
now man, tell his side of the story and it's
fascinating. Plus, a good story in Buzzfeed?
Who would have thought it?
https://www.buzzfeed.com/chowdad/alec-guinness-hat...
>> Doctor Who in the style of Vangelis <<
This person has been remaking the Dr Who theme
in the style of various electronic musicians.
Genius, we might actually rip all these and
burn them to a CD like a granddad.
https://youtube.com/watch
>> Stock photos of people made by AI <<
100,000 stock "photos" of non-existent people
hallucinated by an AI, copyright-free with
attribution. We look forward to Shardcore doing
similar and generating crisp sandwich photos
from Matt Round's collection.
https://generated.photos/
>> Drone vs rollercoaster <<
The most exciting bit of drone flying you'll
see this week.
https://b3ta.com/links/Weeeee:3
>> Brexiteer buy's Hitler's wife's silky pants? <<
The BBC are reporting that Adolf Hitler's wife
Eva Braun's knickers have sold in an auction
for £3,700. Everyone who bid on this should
have their hard drives looked at by the police.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptons...
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What's the difference between a tampons and
aristocrat?
Both are bloody stuck up cunts but at least
tampons work.
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: DAVID CAMERON'S BOOK
The Amazon reviews are in
As is traditional when some awful tosser
publishes a book, we encourage people to write
the kind of reviews that make the author
blanche. Here's our favs so far:
* "Why have they photoshopped the cover to make
his forehead look a normal size? It's this sort
of spin that puts people off politics." (1
star)
* "A Book with a Spine, Unlike it's Author" (2
stars)
* "I came for the photos of pigs. So did Dave
apparently." (1 star)
Make sure you add yours to the bookshop of
record, with the knowledge that Cameron is
highly likely to read these, unlike your snotty
replies to his tweets.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/00082392...
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What do you get when cheese explodes?
De Brie.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make content, everyone must make content
* NEW DAD VIRALS - editthis yet to have the
cards say "I'm a self-serving asshat who'll
turn anything into content for a few clicks"
etc
https://twitter.com/ABC/status/1174978579802677250
* LEAVE/REMAIN QUIZ - which celebs would be
leave or remain. Let's crowdsource this.
(Mr Blobby? No Deal.)
* AN INVESTIGATION INTO THOSE WISH ADS ON
FACEBOOK - you know the ones, it's all weird
tat and sexy clothing. And God does it makes us
look, and yet never go to the actual site.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Some people think I'm a homophobe but it only
sounds that way.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Autobiographies
You know how celeb's autobiographies have to
(by law) have a punning title? Gary Barlow's My
Take, Roger Moore's My Word Is My Bond etc?
Well why not make your own?
Here's the best images from last week:
* BONO ESTENTE from ohidunno
http://b3ta.com/board/11294844
* A CLASSIC from revmoola
http://b3ta.com/board/11294835
* "GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK CONTROL IN
HERE! THIS IS THE SOVEREIGNTY ROOM!" - from
(a)lexistwit
http://b3ta.com/board/11294937
Your editor's entry is too lazy to photoshop?
"Read the fucking Manuel" or maybe one on bots
"I, Robert".
* See all the other images from the
'Autobiographies' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/autobiographies2
>> This week: Reinvent things better <<
Everyday items are great, but what if they were
greater? Reinvent the things around you so they
do the things they do, but better and more.
Show us remote controlled pre buttered
toasters, kettles that pour 5 different hot
drinks at once and all sorts of other stuff.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/reinventbetter
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My dog has no dictionary
How does it spell terrible?
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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
Mediamasters Podcast
Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/
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My dog has no thesaurus
How does it smell?
Awful, appalling, atrocious, dreadful, frightful,
ghastly, grisly, gruesome, hideous, horrendous,
horrible, horrid, horrific, lurid, macabre,
monstrous, nightmare, nightmarish, shocking,
terrible, terrific.
You see, it's I who has the thesaurus.
(Terrible jokes this week taken from our project
"Sorry, I've Written A Joke", if you've written a
joke then please tell us.)
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
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: PATREON THANKS
Thanking you, the best crew
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
HappyToast (site help).
Plus Gratch, Mr._Pickles, Rob, Star Wars,
sandettie light vessel automatic, The Light in
Chains, The_cold_stare (mostly jokes & links).
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