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NEWSLETTER: "BREAKING: THE LABOUR PARTY"

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This Week:
* BUTTYSTOCK - crisp sandwich photos
* CAROL VORDERMAN SIMULATOR - oh yes!
* FESSHOLE - terrible carrot/bottom confession

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're botting every
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  entertainment concept
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta cyber-telegram 728 - 21rd Sepsis 2019

Read this issue to someone younger on TikTok:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue728

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making "brown sausages for Mr Flush"

  >> ButtyStock: No 1 Crisp Sandwich Photo Site <<
  Carbohydrate enthusiast Matt Round writes, "I
  hired several people to each produce around 100
  photos of crisp sandwiches, paying them with
  hundreds of bags of crisps. Some fell by the
  wayside under the weight of the challenge (and
  looming best-before dates on the slightly dodgy
  crisps), others rose to the occasion. All must
  hate me now, but luckily none were hospitalised
  with salt poisoning. All the pics are released
  under CC0/public domain, and I'll probably add
  a few hundred more at some point."

  Matt continues, "If people might want to
  contribute their own pics, follow  @VOLEwtf on
  Twitter or Instagram for announcements. But no
  problem if that's too faffy/spammy, I'll
  probably be adding a Help Wanted page to site
  that'll make it easier to gather/coordinate
  stuff."
https://vole.wtf/buttystock/ 
  
  >> Carol Vorderman simulator <<
  Monkeon writes, "It's old, so may not be
  relevant, but I've rebuilt my Carol Vorderman
  simulator to save it from the Flash graveyard.
  I've also added messaging to it so you can now
  send filth." Next week: Rachel Riley simulator
  "Ooh ain't that Jerermy Corbyn awful? Aren't
  people online horrid?"
https://monkeon.co.uk/vordertron/?message=ehrbn

  >> Fruity song <<
  Pi Bennett has made a song for kids about
  peaches and plums and bananas. Well fruit
  basically. Maybe it'll get stuck in your head
  and not in your throat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txrCL6M04ac

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Which singer can you boot up?
Adele

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: FESSHOLE
  Your barbaric behaviour, confessed

  We've been asking you to contribute your
  darkest confessions to a form and we post out
  our favourites on a Twitter bot. It's genuinely
  seedy, like Reader's Wives for the Ceefax
  generation.

  * "I am addicted to Pork Scratchings. My wife
  and friends found out that I was eating them
  and wanted me to stop. I told her I had. I was
  on 2 packs a day. I am now on 4 and eating them
  on the way home from work."

  * "Sarah from secondary school told me daily
  that I was ugly, repulsive, would never find a
  boyfriend and would die a virgin. Last year I
  fucked her husband."

  * "My wife insisted I saw a therapist so I told
  her I found one. I actually put my non-existent
  therapist's £60 'fee' in a treat fund for
  myself and go sit in the pub for an hour."

  * "I got curious and stuck a carrot up my arse.
  Then panicked and thought my parents would
  notice the missing carrot so returned it to the
  cupboard. We ate it for dinner that night."

  Keep confessing. Trained vicars are waiting for
  your fetid typing, definitely rubbing their
  thighs.
https://twitter.com/fesshole

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"Doctor, doctor... The GUI on my Unix based
system has crashed and it's left me with just a
command line prompt. Is it serious?"

"I'm afraid it's Terminal."

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff to click made by dicks

  >> Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2019 <<
  The finalists are in, in the competition that
  gives free content to publishers. Hope the
  photographers get something out of it.
https://www.theguardian.com/environment/gallery/2019/sep/13/comedy-wildlife-photography-awards-2019-finalists-in-pictures 

  >> "Alec Guinness Hated Star Wars And I Should Know" <<
  Remember the famous story about Alec Guinness
  telling a young Star Wars fan that he should
  never watch the movie again? Well that child,
  now man, tell his side of the story and it's
  fascinating. Plus, a good story in Buzzfeed?
  Who would have thought it?
https://www.buzzfeed.com/chowdad/alec-guinness-hated-star-wars-and-i-should-know-20egr

  >> Doctor Who in the style of Vangelis <<
  This person has been remaking the Dr Who theme
  in the style of various electronic musicians.
  Genius, we might actually rip all these and
  burn them to a CD like a granddad.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=39LywNkblPs&list=PLi8csrIDZ22aOHAvdOKKG5Icmq-Q_4u6x

  >> Stock photos of people made by AI <<
  100,000 stock "photos" of non-existent people
  hallucinated by an AI, copyright-free with
  attribution. We look forward to Shardcore doing
  similar and generating crisp sandwich photos
  from Matt Round's collection.
https://generated.photos/

  >> Drone vs rollercoaster <<
  The most exciting bit of drone flying you'll
  see this week.
https://b3ta.com/links/Weeeee:3

  >> Brexiteer buy's Hitler's wife's silky pants? <<
  The BBC are reporting that Adolf Hitler's wife
  Eva Braun's knickers have sold in an auction
  for £3,700. Everyone who bid on this should
  have their hard drives looked at by the police.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-northamptonshire-49755334

-------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a tampons and
aristocrat?

Both are bloody stuck up cunts but at least
tampons work.

-------------------------------------------------

: DAVID CAMERON'S BOOK
  The Amazon reviews are in

  As is traditional when some awful tosser
  publishes a book, we encourage people to write
  the kind of reviews that make the author
  blanche. Here's our favs so far:

  * "Why have they photoshopped the cover to make
  his forehead look a normal size? It's this sort
  of spin that puts people off politics." (1
  star)

  * "A Book with a Spine, Unlike it's Author" (2
  stars)

  * "I came for the photos of pigs. So did Dave
  apparently." (1 star)

  Make sure you add yours to the bookshop of
  record, with the knowledge that Cameron is
  highly likely to read these, unlike your snotty
  replies to his tweets.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0008239282/b3ta-21

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What do you get when cheese explodes?
De Brie.

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make content, everyone must make content

  * NEW DAD VIRALS - editthis yet to have the
  cards say "I'm a self-serving asshat who'll
  turn anything into content for a few clicks"
  etc
https://twitter.com/ABC/status/1174978579802677250

  * LEAVE/REMAIN QUIZ - which celebs would be
  leave or remain. Let's crowdsource this.
 (Mr Blobby? No Deal.)

  * AN INVESTIGATION INTO THOSE WISH ADS ON
  FACEBOOK - you know the ones, it's all weird
  tat and sexy clothing. And God does it makes us
  look, and yet never go to the actual site.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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Some people think I'm a homophobe but it only
sounds that way.

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Autobiographies

  You know how celeb's autobiographies have to
  (by law) have a punning title? Gary Barlow's My
  Take, Roger Moore's My Word Is My Bond etc?
  Well why not make your own?

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * BONO ESTENTE from ohidunno
http://b3ta.com/board/11294844

  * A CLASSIC from revmoola
http://b3ta.com/board/11294835

  * "GENTLEMEN, YOU CAN'T TAKE BACK CONTROL IN
  HERE! THIS IS THE SOVEREIGNTY ROOM!" -  from
  (a)lexistwit
http://b3ta.com/board/11294937

  Your editor's entry is too lazy to photoshop?
  "Read the fucking Manuel" or maybe one on bots
  "I, Robert".

  * See all the other images from the
  'Autobiographies' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/autobiographies2

  >> This week: Reinvent things better <<
  Everyday items are great, but what if they were
  greater? Reinvent the things around you so they
  do the things they do, but better and more.
  Show us remote controlled pre buttered
  toasters, kettles that pour 5 different hot
  drinks at once and all sorts of other stuff.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/reinventbetter

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My dog has no dictionary
How does it spell terrible?

-------------------------------------------------

: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

-------------------------------------------------

My dog has no thesaurus

How does it smell?

Awful, appalling, atrocious, dreadful, frightful,
ghastly, grisly, gruesome, hideous, horrendous,
horrible, horrid, horrific, lurid, macabre,
monstrous, nightmare, nightmarish, shocking,
terrible, terrific.

You see, it's I who has the thesaurus.

(Terrible jokes this week taken from our project
"Sorry, I've Written A Joke", if you've written a
joke then please tell us.)
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/


-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  Thanking you, the best crew

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
  HappyToast (site help).

  Plus Gratch, Mr._Pickles, Rob, Star Wars,
  sandettie light vessel automatic, The Light in
  Chains, The_cold_stare (mostly jokes & links).
 
-------------------------------------------------

  Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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