NEWSLETTER: "BUTT-SEX KILLED MUTT, REX"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Are these rubbish celebs Remain or Leave?
* BONUS QUIZ - Which animal do you sleep like?
* CONFESSIONS - "I drank my own piss"
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're stinking up the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | e-bog with cyber-shits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta e-by-gum-mail 729 - 27th Septober 2019
Read this issue to someone sexy for sexy fun:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue729
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Good content this week people. Well done.
>> Are these celebs Leave or Remain? <<
Last week we suggested someone make a quiz that
asks you to predict whether the public thought
arbitrary celebs were Leave or Remain, and
cyber clever-clogs Monkeon has stepped up to
the plate and given it 48% and more.
https://monkeon.co.uk/leaveorremain/
>> Which animal do you sleep like? <<
Matt Round is asking the big questions and
wants you to input your sleep patterns to work
out which animals you are comparable with.
Sleepy-eyed Matt writes, "I wanted something
that's the opposite of injecting news into your
eyeballs every waking moment and so ended up
with CUDDLY ANIMALS and RESTFUL OBLIVION."
https://vole.wtf/sleep-animal/
>> Boaty McBoat swizz <<
(A)lexistwit writes has fixed the problem with
the newly launched RRS Sir David Attenborough.
Go him.
http://b3ta.com/links/1525918
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: READERS' WIFI
What's the best named WiFi you've seen?
It stings when IP
Silence of the LANs
Router, Sue & Bob Too
You're my wifi now
Wu-Tang LAN
GETOFFMYLAN
Martin Router King
Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon
https://twitter.com/b3ta/status/117686490054464307...
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: FESSHOLE
Your terrible confessions, confessed
* DOG HORROR - "I was still living at home at
the time, and had a massive anal sex session
with my girlfriend on the front room sofa while
my parents where out. She shat a little bit on
the sofa and it left a stain. When questioned
by my parents, I blamed the dog, and they said
they couldn't have that, particularly as it was
getting old, so they took it to the vets and
had it put down."
* OFFICE NOTES - "It was me that wrote 'anal
trauma' underneath Helen's 'what did your last
slave die of?' notice in the staff kitchen.
* URINE FAIL - "I drank my own piss because a
man in a rave club told me that it would make
you come up on the E again. It doesn't."
* ERECT TOWERS - "I got bored watching 9/11 and
went and had sex with my girlfriend between the
1st and 2nd tower collapsing."
Fess up your foulest secrets for us to giggle
at:
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Also Fesshole was featured on the Dublin radio
station FM104 this week, they interviewed your
handsome editor and you can listen here:
https://play.acast.com/s/room104/95014f87-b463-4b7...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
It's good content Brant
* HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHESS? - Monty
Python's Argument Sketch performed with two
vintage speech synthesizers.
https://b3ta.com/links/How_about_a_nice_game_of_ch...
* CREEPY CLOWN - Long-running US kids TV show
ended with mute clown Clarabell finally
speaking... It's as chilling as cold piss.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_final_moments_of_Howdy_...
* WORST SAX SOLO EVER - it's impressive to
attempt a one-note solo and even get that
wrong.
https://twitter.com/galgracen/status/1176740969988...
* AI TRUMP TWEET, OR REAL TWEET? - This is
surprisingly tricky at times. A good format
for testing AI generated stuff though.
http://faketrump.ai
* INTERESTING ARTICLE ABOUT AN OLD GAME - a
highly-optimised maze generator people are
struggling to decypher.
http://bbc.com/future/story/20190919-the-maze-puzz...
* WORST COMPUTER GAME ART - And Mr Biffo's bad
game covers are amusing.
https://digitiser2000.com/main-page/bad-game-cover...
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If porn movies did kids' TV parodies
Jack Off Nory
Bagpussy
Mr Benn Dover
Worzel Cummage
Postman's Pits
Jim'll Fuck It (sorry)
Thomas The Wank Engine
Roobarb And Man Custard
Banana Split Pits
Roland Rut
Press Gang Bang
Fingeringbobs
Cheggers Plays With Poop
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: PODCAST CORNER
Why you shouldn't think the world is ending
You know all those "sweet meteor of death, take
me know" kind of memes that float through our
discourse? Maybe they're doing us no good and
the world isn't ending. WE LOVED THIS PODCAST.
A rare thing, something online that changed our
mind on an issue.
https://www.cracked.com/podcast/the-end-of-the-wor...
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Just written our first joke about Queen's Radio
Ga Ga. Filed under "radio gag a".
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Reinvent things better
Here's the best images from last week:
* FIRE ALARM TOASTER - from monkeon
http://b3ta.com/board/11295674
* IMPROVED HEADPHONES - from 2kindsofherring
http://b3ta.com/board/11295872
* LET THE FLAME WARS COMMENCE - from Pizopop
http://b3ta.com/board/11295276
* See all the other images from the 'Reinvent
things better' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/reinventbetter/popular/
>> This week: Enhanced Animals <<
Animals are great, but could they be better?
Has evolution missed a trick by not giving a
horse guns or a sheep incredibly long legs.
Find out through the power of photo
manipulation (not home veterinary surgery)
http://b3ta.com/challenge/enhancedanimals/popular/
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Please Google "how to turn your phone off",
follow the instructions and then thank us later
for making your life better.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Everyone should make content
* ARE OASIS FANS LEAVE? - "I'd love to see an
Oasis fan / Brexit voter Venn diagram" writes
a contributor to @anon_opin. Sounds like a
little data project for someone willing to
spend a few quid with Google Surveys.
* "NOBOGRAMS" - make a crudely drawn cock
version of the Nonogram/Picross games we're all
apparently addicted to on our telephones.
* FUCK PETITIONS, THEY DON'T WORK - Every
petition site should be replaced by a
crowdfunding site to raise money for a
motivated lawyer to fight for what you want.
"Who wants to crowd fund chasing the Daily Mail
into the small claims courts for every time
they infringe copyright?" Yeah, we'll do £10 a
month for that.
Send your cyber missives to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Conservatives are also called the Tories. Why
don't they split the difference and call
themselves Conservatories. Or cunts.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
Thanking you, the best crew
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
HappyToast (site help).
Plus artifus & Ambegris.
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https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
