we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "NOEL GALLAGHER NEVER TOPPED HIS EARLY WORK AS THE INSPIRAL CARPETS' ROADIE"

next issue »
« previous issue

"Noel Gallagher never topped his early work as
the Inspiral Carpets' roadie"
This Week:
* SNOPES OR NOPES - fake news quiz fun 
* NEW SPONSOR - yes, we got another!, thx UPSHOT
* SOME SHIT JOKES - sorry about these, really

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   every Friday since
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    2001... together"
 
B3ta email 768 - 30 Apr 2021

Read this issue to your poor bloody mother:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue768

-------------------------------------------------

:  UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
   Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage

  If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
  weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
  controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
  of British sport.

  Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
  sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than huffing glue

  * SNOPES OR NOPES - Monkeon has made a quiz
  that asks you to guess whether Snopes comes
  down with true or false on the stories they
  cover. RECOMMENDED!
https://monkeon.co.uk/snopesornopes/

  * GOLF VS SNOOKER - Squiggy writes, "Are you
  familiar with a little obscure game called
  pool? How about an even more obscure game from
  my homeland called golf? What happens if you
  play pool with rules like golf, you get my
  very creatively named game, Steven Pool!" Next
  week: Skittle darts.
http://www.pc-stuff.co.uk/sp

-------------------------------------------------

What did Noel Gallagher say after kindly fitting
a hearing aid to a deaf insect?
"Bee hear now"

-------------------------------------------------
 
: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions fessed-up like fur balls

  * LESBIANS - "Ever since my asshole boss found
  out I'm a lesbian, he's been "jokingly" trying
  to get me to have a threesome with him and his
  girlfriend. He doesn't know I've already
  fucked her twice at work xmas parties."

  * EMBARRASSING - "The music went quiet in the
  strip club and everyone heard me open my
  Velcro wallet."

  * JUST NOPE - "Scrolling my wife's friend's
  insta I accidentally liked an 8 year old's
  bikini pic so now I need a new identity and to
  move to Brazil."

  Read the best-of for March 2021 - really an
  extraordinary month - we don't think we've put
  out a better best-of. We've peaked lads - all
  downhill now.  
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13874118883892...

-------------------------------------------------

: IT JUST MADE US LAUGH
  Stuff that you might have missed if you don't tweet

  * PEOPLE JUST CAN'T BACK DOWN CAN THEY?
  Assuming exchange on why we shouldn't
  reintroduce bears to the UK. 
https://twitter.com/JJDodders/status/1385019830257...

  * HOW NFTs REALLY WORK - we completely agree
  with all this unless someone wants to give us
  half a billion dogecoin for a NFT of the
  furtive bear icon.
https://twitter.com/yogthos/status/138757003413914...

  * SOOTY AND SWEEP GO TO A NIGHT CLUB - so much
  to unpack here, does everyone want to fuck
  puppets? Matthew's kick dancing - just watch
  in awe.
https://twitter.com/archivetvmus71/status/13856396...

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Yes, buy lovely woolly socks

  Do you own feet at the end of your legs? Well
  Hebtroco have a product called "socks" that
  work as kind of innertubes for your shoes so
  that you don't have to throw away your shoes
  every day. Buy some now, they're toasty and
  warm and will save you a fortune.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/sock_range/

-------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between Tubular Bells and
pubeular smells? Nothing. Both involve Mike
Oldfield's dong. (sorry)


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made by other people in the content mines

  * APPLE FAIL NOISE NOSTALGIA - Apple computers
  used to make a noise when the machine failed
  to boot up. They become surprisingly silly
  over time.  Far more fun than your Brian Eno
  Windows yawn.
https://512pixels.net/2021/04/mac-chimes-of-death/

  * HOW (NOT?) TO MAKE MONEY FROM A WEB HIT -
  the person who made the istheshipstillstuck
  site writes about getting 50 million views,
  trying to make some money from it.
https://notfunatparties.substack.com/p/inside-a-vi...

 * INFINITE ACID BANGER - there's been more than
 one web tool that lets you make 303/808 noises
 but this has a nice random pattern generator so
 you don't even have to drop in the notes
 yourself.
https://www.vitling.xyz/toys/acid-banger/

 * JOHN LYDON INTERVIEW - there was a lot of love
 this weekend for the Lydon interview where he
 atoned for being brexity by telling us the
 wonderful stuff he does for his ailing wife and
 it's genuinely rather moving. But really the
 best bit is him admitting to spending $10k on
 power-ups for some shit iPad game. Ever feel
 like you've been cheated?
https://archive.ph/fNu6d

  * THIS WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO BUY A PLOTTER -
  plotters are back and better than before.
  Doesn't it make you want to download Dr Logo
  for your Amstrad CPC?
https://www.patreon.com/posts/so-i-bought-50584517

  * AI GENERATED PLAY - AI has now come for the
  job of Samuel Beckett in this auto-generated
  play about two people unable to arrange a time
  to meet up. It put our teeth on edge - just
  bloody fix a time and do it, you stupid
  computer twats.
https://jamesyu.org/a/things-are-a-little-crazy-rn...

-------------------------------------------------

: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  Your "joke" - published to shame you

  Joke from "Graham Coxon out of Blur" but
  presumably not that one, as why would he be
  hanging out on a twenty year old messageboard,
  has written a joke:

  "Nigel Farage popped round earlier to pick up
  his copy of the Ian Curtis biopic he'd lent me
  over Christmas. He was taking back control."

  If you've written a joke and would like to say
  sorry then we've got a home for you - and this
  week we've include the correct link instead of
  guessing it and getting it wrong:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  This week: Advertising in old films

  A tech company has unveiled a way to put
  adverts into old films. Show them how bad an
  idea this would be by putting inappropriate
  products into cinema classics.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/oldfilmads

-------------------------------------------------

How does the protagonist in The Shining download
movies? Jack torrents

-------------------------------------------------

: YOUR ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
  Three of the worst

  The reason we don't generally round up
  @anon_opin in this newsletter unlike @fesshole
  is that the joy of anon_opin is the rows it
  creates and the statements themselves don't
  lend themselves to being listed without the
  replies. However, here's three that made us
  giggle but they're not hugely indicative of
  the wider content:

  * EDGY "The film Schindlers List should have
  included some funny outtakes during the end
  titles. That way the audience would have left
  the cinema feeling a little cheerier after
  watching such a harrowing film."

  * HOT-TAKES - "What I find ironic is that
  people like Piers Morgan who can't understand
  non-binary genders, and yet he can manage to
  be a massive cock and a huge cunt at the same
  time"

  * FROM THE LAVS - "Bidets should be a legal
  requirement in all UK toilets. We are the arse
  barbarians of Europe."

 Link goes to the recent ones with most replies
 as that's where the rows are:
https://twitter.com/search

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next on previous stories

  * MUSHY AID - we asked you to raise money for
  old B3tonian Mushybees who has come down with
  a bad case of the BIG C and you've thrown in
  over 5k and they say, "Thank you so much. It
  helped more than I can say. Everyone who
  contributed, LOVE YOU."
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-katie-aka-mushybee...

  And Mushy's tweet account here:
https://twitter.com/beesesteeses

  * BIRMINGHAM IT'S NOT SHIT BOOK - Jon Bounds
  writes, "It has been 18 years since I started
  Birmingham: It's Not Shit. The exact day,
  dunno, but it didn't really take off until
  @robmanuel made a silly song and put it in the
  @b3ta newsletter. On Friday 2 May 2003, around
  teatime. To celebrate, we have a plan:"
https://kickstarter.com/projects/paradisecircus/bi...

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Three music ideas for you to riff on

  * USE AI TO RETUNE AC/DC - so all their riffs
  use the power chords A, C, D, then C.

  * WHAT NTH BEATLE ARE YOU? If George Martin is
  the 5th Beatle then what number are you?
  Points for having been near a Beatle, or
  literally being Ringo.

  * EBONY & IVORY REWORKED - we've been thinking
  about this and trust us, the chorus is good,
  it's the verse that lets it down. Needs a mash
  up where the verse is Mr Blobby smashing
  everything up and screaming this:
https://twitter.com/WorstBlobby/status/13844137886...

  Go on, make some stuff, you lazy fuck shits
  who don't deserve us:  
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost sexually.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
  other. Proofing by Kat E.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and
  do please donate as you get occasional bonus
  content.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

next issue »
« previous issue