NEWSLETTER: "NOEL GALLAGHER NEVER TOPPED HIS EARLY WORK AS THE INSPIRAL CARPETS' ROADIE"
"Noel Gallagher never topped his early work as
the Inspiral Carpets' roadie"
This Week:
* SNOPES OR NOPES - fake news quiz fun
* NEW SPONSOR - yes, we got another!, thx UPSHOT
* SOME SHIT JOKES - sorry about these, really
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the yak
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | every Friday since
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| 2001... together"
B3ta email 768 - 30 Apr 2021
Read this issue to your poor bloody mother:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue768
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than huffing glue
* SNOPES OR NOPES - Monkeon has made a quiz
that asks you to guess whether Snopes comes
down with true or false on the stories they
cover. RECOMMENDED!
https://monkeon.co.uk/snopesornopes/
* GOLF VS SNOOKER - Squiggy writes, "Are you
familiar with a little obscure game called
pool? How about an even more obscure game from
my homeland called golf? What happens if you
play pool with rules like golf, you get my
very creatively named game, Steven Pool!" Next
week: Skittle darts.
http://www.pc-stuff.co.uk/sp
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What did Noel Gallagher say after kindly fitting
a hearing aid to a deaf insect?
"Bee hear now"
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed-up like fur balls
* LESBIANS - "Ever since my asshole boss found
out I'm a lesbian, he's been "jokingly" trying
to get me to have a threesome with him and his
girlfriend. He doesn't know I've already
fucked her twice at work xmas parties."
* EMBARRASSING - "The music went quiet in the
strip club and everyone heard me open my
Velcro wallet."
* JUST NOPE - "Scrolling my wife's friend's
insta I accidentally liked an 8 year old's
bikini pic so now I need a new identity and to
move to Brazil."
Read the best-of for March 2021 - really an
extraordinary month - we don't think we've put
out a better best-of. We've peaked lads - all
downhill now.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13874118883892...
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: IT JUST MADE US LAUGH
Stuff that you might have missed if you don't tweet
* PEOPLE JUST CAN'T BACK DOWN CAN THEY?
Assuming exchange on why we shouldn't
reintroduce bears to the UK.
https://twitter.com/JJDodders/status/1385019830257...
* HOW NFTs REALLY WORK - we completely agree
with all this unless someone wants to give us
half a billion dogecoin for a NFT of the
furtive bear icon.
https://twitter.com/yogthos/status/138757003413914...
* SOOTY AND SWEEP GO TO A NIGHT CLUB - so much
to unpack here, does everyone want to fuck
puppets? Matthew's kick dancing - just watch
in awe.
https://twitter.com/archivetvmus71/status/13856396...
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, buy lovely woolly socks
Do you own feet at the end of your legs? Well
Hebtroco have a product called "socks" that
work as kind of innertubes for your shoes so
that you don't have to throw away your shoes
every day. Buy some now, they're toasty and
warm and will save you a fortune.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/sock_range/
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What's the difference between Tubular Bells and
pubeular smells? Nothing. Both involve Mike
Oldfield's dong. (sorry)
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by other people in the content mines
* APPLE FAIL NOISE NOSTALGIA - Apple computers
used to make a noise when the machine failed
to boot up. They become surprisingly silly
over time. Far more fun than your Brian Eno
Windows yawn.
https://512pixels.net/2021/04/mac-chimes-of-death/
* HOW (NOT?) TO MAKE MONEY FROM A WEB HIT -
the person who made the istheshipstillstuck
site writes about getting 50 million views,
trying to make some money from it.
https://notfunatparties.substack.com/p/inside-a-vi...
* INFINITE ACID BANGER - there's been more than
one web tool that lets you make 303/808 noises
but this has a nice random pattern generator so
you don't even have to drop in the notes
yourself.
https://www.vitling.xyz/toys/acid-banger/
* JOHN LYDON INTERVIEW - there was a lot of love
this weekend for the Lydon interview where he
atoned for being brexity by telling us the
wonderful stuff he does for his ailing wife and
it's genuinely rather moving. But really the
best bit is him admitting to spending $10k on
power-ups for some shit iPad game. Ever feel
like you've been cheated?
https://archive.ph/fNu6d
* THIS WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO BUY A PLOTTER -
plotters are back and better than before.
Doesn't it make you want to download Dr Logo
for your Amstrad CPC?
https://www.patreon.com/posts/so-i-bought-50584517
* AI GENERATED PLAY - AI has now come for the
job of Samuel Beckett in this auto-generated
play about two people unable to arrange a time
to meet up. It put our teeth on edge - just
bloody fix a time and do it, you stupid
computer twats.
https://jamesyu.org/a/things-are-a-little-crazy-rn...
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Your "joke" - published to shame you
Joke from "Graham Coxon out of Blur" but
presumably not that one, as why would he be
hanging out on a twenty year old messageboard,
has written a joke:
"Nigel Farage popped round earlier to pick up
his copy of the Ian Curtis biopic he'd lent me
over Christmas. He was taking back control."
If you've written a joke and would like to say
sorry then we've got a home for you - and this
week we've include the correct link instead of
guessing it and getting it wrong:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
This week: Advertising in old films
A tech company has unveiled a way to put
adverts into old films. Show them how bad an
idea this would be by putting inappropriate
products into cinema classics.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/oldfilmads
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How does the protagonist in The Shining download
movies? Jack torrents
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: YOUR ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
Three of the worst
The reason we don't generally round up
@anon_opin in this newsletter unlike @fesshole
is that the joy of anon_opin is the rows it
creates and the statements themselves don't
lend themselves to being listed without the
replies. However, here's three that made us
giggle but they're not hugely indicative of
the wider content:
* EDGY "The film Schindlers List should have
included some funny outtakes during the end
titles. That way the audience would have left
the cinema feeling a little cheerier after
watching such a harrowing film."
* HOT-TAKES - "What I find ironic is that
people like Piers Morgan who can't understand
non-binary genders, and yet he can manage to
be a massive cock and a huge cunt at the same
time"
* FROM THE LAVS - "Bidets should be a legal
requirement in all UK toilets. We are the arse
barbarians of Europe."
Link goes to the recent ones with most replies
as that's where the rows are:
https://twitter.com/search
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* MUSHY AID - we asked you to raise money for
old B3tonian Mushybees who has come down with
a bad case of the BIG C and you've thrown in
over 5k and they say, "Thank you so much. It
helped more than I can say. Everyone who
contributed, LOVE YOU."
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-katie-aka-mushybee...
And Mushy's tweet account here:
https://twitter.com/beesesteeses
* BIRMINGHAM IT'S NOT SHIT BOOK - Jon Bounds
writes, "It has been 18 years since I started
Birmingham: It's Not Shit. The exact day,
dunno, but it didn't really take off until
@robmanuel made a silly song and put it in the
@b3ta newsletter. On Friday 2 May 2003, around
teatime. To celebrate, we have a plan:"
https://kickstarter.com/projects/paradisecircus/bi...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Three music ideas for you to riff on
* USE AI TO RETUNE AC/DC - so all their riffs
use the power chords A, C, D, then C.
* WHAT NTH BEATLE ARE YOU? If George Martin is
the 5th Beatle then what number are you?
Points for having been near a Beatle, or
literally being Ringo.
* EBONY & IVORY REWORKED - we've been thinking
about this and trust us, the chorus is good,
it's the verse that lets it down. Needs a mash
up where the verse is Mr Blobby smashing
everything up and screaming this:
https://twitter.com/WorstBlobby/status/13844137886...
Go on, make some stuff, you lazy fuck shits
who don't deserve us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost sexually.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
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SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
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Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
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Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
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Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
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Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
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EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
other. Proofing by Kat E.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
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Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
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Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and
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