NEWSLETTER: "GOODNIGHT MUSHY - YOU WILL BE MISSED"
"Goodnight Mushy - you will be missed"
This Week:
* CONFESSIONS - Your Lostprophets tattoos (!)
* IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS - Make things ROCK
* YES, THIS IS B3TA'S 20th YEAR - yes, we are old
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web with bad content
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| as usual... together"
B3ta email 769 - 08 May 2021
Read this issue over ambient jazz:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue769
-------------------------------------------------
: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than crusty snot sculptures of spaceships
* SHARDCORE - b3ta's pet AI tinkerer Shardcore
has been doing more dickery with AI.
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2021/04/29...
* HAPPYTOAST VS COLD WAR STEVE - Happytoast
has been animating Cold War Steve's photoshops
to dramatic effect:
https://www.patreon.com/posts/50953425
* BIRMINGHAM IS NOT SHIT BOOK - Last week we
mentioned that our brum chums 'Birmingham:
It's Not Shit' chaps were crowdfunding a book,
18 years after this very newsletter wrote them
a theme song, and now it's officially open and
you can throw your Brummy pennies at them.
https://kickstarter.com/projects/paradisecircus/bi...
-------------------------------------------------
Also a sad update on Mushy from her ex-partner
who writes that she "died incredibly peacefully
yesterday evening at the garden House Hospice.
It was so gentle and we will forever be grateful
to them." Mushy contributed so many great bad
taste gags to B3ta in the mid 2000s and she will
be genuinely missed. We'll just leave this
incredibly bad taste bit about Kurt Cobaine she
did that has never left our head:
https://b3ta.com/links/Kurdt_Kobain_in_10_seconds
If you want to say something - add it to this
thread so we can all read it all in one place -
thank you.
https://b3ta.com/board/11343352
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, fessed into a hole, like
vomit
Every day we ask you to confess your sins and
then pump them out on social media for cheap
likes, here's three of the best this week:
* TATTOO - "I have a massive tattoo of the
band Lostprophets on my back which is way too
large to remove. Fortunately most people don't
know who they were but when I meet someone who
does I just want the ground to eat me up. Talk
about fucking regrets."
* EXPLOITATION - "My job is repetitive and
boring it's data entry and since working from
home I've 'outsourced' it to my 16 year old
son, I showed him what to do and he enters the
data giving me 6 hours of my day to get jobs
done I otherwise have to do at night- I pay
him £10 a day."
* HUMILIATION - "I'm a Departmental Manager
and was hosting a Zoom conference call for the
whole department. My partner brought me a cup
of tea, but I didn't realise until the end of
the call that, every time I took a sip, the
words 'I'm A Twat' could be seen on the bottom
of the cup."
Join the 133,330 people who should know better:
https://twitter.com/fesshole
-------------------------------------------------
What do you call molluscs wearing bovver boots?
Slugs (from Madness)
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, buy lovely woolly socks
Do you own feet at the end of your legs? Well
Hebtroco have a product called "socks" that
work as kind of innertubes for your shoes so
that you don't have to throw away your shoes
every day. Buy some now, they're toasty and
warm and will save you a fortune.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/sock_range/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by other people in the content mines
* LOW-POLY ANIMALS - yesterday's junk is
today's nostalgia and now there's a generation
looking back fondly on the graphics in N64
games and getting the same proustian rush that
this writer gets from remembering when you
could buy Mojo sweets for 1/2p.
https://twitter.com/lowpolyanimals
* WHAT 3 /RUDE/ WORDS - What3words rightly
gets criticised for being a good idea that
shouldn't have a patent and just be free to
adopt. This Twitter account amuses itself by
finding the rude combinations inherent in the
system:
https://twitter.com/what3rudewords
* LOVELY MINIMALIST PUZZLER - not enough games
give every screen a title, even though it's an
easy way to add a bit of personality. Just
because no one is as good at naming screens as
Matthew Smith is no reason not to try.
https://bumpsquare.com
* MAYBE I'M A MAZE - Turns out that watching
mazes being solved is an incredibly relaxing
experience. Might try watching the end of The
Shining backwards to see if it’s as zen as
this.
https://mazette.net
* THE TRUTH ABOUT WII FIT - great little
animation for those that remember.
https://twitter.com/kn0nker/status/138858900157832...
* JAMES BOND = ALAN PARTRIDGE? John Gardner's
1980s James Bond novels, which frequently
appear to have been ghost-written by Alan
Partridge. A few more examples and probably
could make a "Bond or Partridge?" quiz.
https://twitter.com/MrNeilAlcock/status/1387683033...
-------------------------------------------------
: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Your "joke" - published to shame you
This week it's over to Spacefish for his
"joke":
"What do you call a big reptile that gets
someone else to bite you? A deligator."
If you've written a worse joke than Spacefish
then tell us:
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
-------------------------------------------------
The hill you're most likely to die on is
Everest, with more than 300 people dying
attempting to reach the summit.
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Rock
Last week we asked you to ame everything rock!
Turn books, toys, food, animals and films up
to 11 with a rock and roll makeover, and
here's the best three images:
* HAN SOLO DOES GUITAR SOLO - from Plankton:
http://b3ta.com/board/11343104
* DODDINTEGRATION from Ninj:
http://b3ta.com/board/11343029
* KURT CORBYN from Octo
http://b3ta.com/board/11343004
See all the other images from the 'Rock' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rock/popular/
>> This week: Science in films <<
Make films more scientific. Correct the
terrible physics and chemistry mistakes in
movies or just put a test tube in people’s
hands for comedic effect.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/scienceinfilms/popular/
-------------------------------------------------
: YOUR ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
Popular opinions from the unpopular opinion bot
The fundamental contradiction of the unpopular
opinion bot is that if we approved all
horrible opinions it would be horrible and
wouldn't actually be popular. So here's some
that have got lots of useless favs recently:
* HORSE RIDERS wearing those fucking 'POLITE'
high-vis should be prosecuted for
impersonating a police officer.
* CHEESE AND ONION CRISPS should be in a green
bag.
* GOLF is for cunts. Only cunts play golf. If
you play golf, you're a cunt.
Anyway, go and join in the arguments - that's
what it's for, if you didn't have enough rows
already:
https://twitter.com/anon_opin
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* SNOPES LIKE MONKEON'S GAME - the "Snopes or
Nopes" quiz launched in last week's newsletter
went down a storm with the staff of the
world's leading poo-pooing agency "Fact: Our
staff is obsessed with playing this game."
https://twitter.com/snopes/status/1389264305116389...
* SMASH HITS BOT GETS NEIL TENNANT SHOUT -
your editor's bot that interviews people in
the style of Smash Hits gets a small shout out
from the lead singer of the Petty Shop Boyos -
20 mins into this podcast.
https://play.acast.com/s/bigmouth/fifthbirthdayspe...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Three / free ideas for you to riff off
* WHAT THREE TURDS - every location on earth
geolocated by three words for shit.
Jobby.Plop.Dung = 10 Downing Street etc.
* LONG CORBYN - there's been a lot of bad
takes that Labour's troubles are due to 'long
Corbyn' - but can you make it into a game
where you see how long it takes you to scroll
'long Corbyn'? Then maybe a bonus level with
long Rebecca Long-Bailey.
* RADIOHEAD'S OK COMPUTER, THE COMPUTER GAME -
keep pressing OK but never cancel else little
Thommy Yorke will emote about refrigerators.
Go on, make some stuff, you lazy fuck shits
who don't deserve us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
If your children are old enough that they no
longer piss everywhere and you miss it - get a
puppy
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost sexually.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
other. Proofing by Kat E.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and
do please donate as you get occasional bonus
content.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
