NEWSLETTER: "B3TA HANDS IN RESIGNATION TO MUMFORD & SONS SO WE TOO CAN SPEND MORE TIME TWEETING"
This Week:
* ANCIENT B3TA EMAILS - let's time travel to 2014
* CYRIAK & WHEATLEY - together again or something
* FESSHOLE BREAKS GERMANY - well, sort of
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're all having an
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | unsatisfying affair with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Matt Hancock... together"
B3ta electro-e-e-mail 776 - 25th Jun 2021
Read this issue to your uninterested dog:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue776
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE WERE DOING IN 2014
Let's open the old email bag
We've got a pile of old email from the dark
period when we stopped sending regular
newsletters so, lets for the sheer fuck of it,
dip into it and see what we get from 2014:
* B3TAN T-SHIRTS - Smallbrainfield writes,
"Hey there. I seem to recall you having a
t-shirt of the week feature many years ago
where you popped a link into the newsletter
for b3tans with something to hawk. I was
wondering if you fancied reviving said
feature? Here's my risible effort on
Redbubble." Ah fuck it, 7 years later, why the
fuck not.
http://www.redbubble.com/people/smallbrainfield/po...
* BOOK THAT MENTIONS B3TA - Charles Seife
writes, "I've been reading b3ta on and off
since the late 90s... since before Rickrolling
replaced goatse-ing, and before badgers were
associated in any way with mushrooms. I'm
writing because I've got a book coming out
this week that makes a mention or two of b3ta
in it, and the b3tards might be interested."
Well we're fucked if we're ever going to get
round to reading this but it's got great
reviews so maybe you can be arsed?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/06700260...
* ERRATUM - We also enjoyed the emails from a
woman asking us to sell her advertising space
for an app, bet she's going to love getting a
reply 7 years later asking if she's still
interested. Also this one: "Hello b3ta. Back
in 2006 when I was 15 I made a whimsical point
and click adventure game called Aliens From
Planet Dave which you very kindly featured in
your newsletter. I'm now 23 and I've made a
similar game about the numbing depression of
finishing uni and facing the bleak, bleak
future ahead." Sadly the link was dead but if
you're reading Lee, we would love to know what
bleak content you're making aged 30.
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely jeans. Or a hat. Or a shirt.
Right, let's rewrite the copy for the Hebtro
plug so that it captures your eye a bit.
Hebtro will make your orgasms last longer and
your teeth white? Hebtro refreshes the pants
other trousers can't reach? Oh we don't know,
just consider them the next time you need to
buy some clothes because they help keep the
lights on in B3ta towers.
https://hebtro.co/
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The truly fun fact about tin openers is that
they were invented 80 years after tinned food.
Before that they used a hammer & chisel. True.
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: FESSHOLE
Shitty confessions converted into useless likes
We ask you to confess and post the worst
online - here's three that stood out this
week:
* WOOF - "My dog's legs have gone. The last 10
years I've run with him on the field, with him
sitting to give me a few seconds head start;
he's destroyed me every time. I barely jog
now, but let him feel he's still the man as he
gets ahead of me, and he turns, wagging his
tail in pride."
* LIFE IS NOT A PORN SHOOT - "I tried to
seduce my teacher when I was 16, by hiding in
his office with no clothes on. I imagined he'd
open the doors overcome with lust & slide
straight inside me. He actually told me to get
dressed & left the room. I felt so humiliated
but now I am so glad he was a good one."
* SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT - "Worked at a 5 star
hotel in Dublin for 2 years. Served many VIPs
and celebs. Bruce Springsteen was the best of
the lot - funny, charming and tipped me €50
when I brought him his meal. The only turd was
Van Morrison."
Link goes to the best of for May 2021, so join
the 149,000 reprobates who should know better.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14083298207449...
Also some German newspapers got in touch and
asked a few questions about Fesshole, so give
that a read if your German is good - or more
accurately, if you trust the autotranslate in
your browser.
https://www.sueddeutsche.de/panorama/twitter-fessh...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by people from the other side (ITV)
* INTRODUCING THE JOG STRAP - Ok it's just a
comedy sketch but we couldn't help but very
slightly laugh.
https://b3ta.com/links/Have_you_heard_about_the_Jo...
* ARTY MODERATION BOLLOCKS - An endless live
film being created by a robot looking at new
videos uploaded to YouTube, and running them
through various algorithms to turn it all into
art and/or utter bobbins.
https://what-the-robot-saw.com
* ANIMATORS USING THE SAME WALK CYCLE
CHALLENGE - 2,400 CG artists were each given
the same base animation and challenged to make
something unique out of it. These are just
some of the clips from the top 100 artists.
Some amazing creativity.
https://b3ta.com/links/1567681
* DO NOT ALLOW JEFF BEZOS TO RETURN TO EARTH -
petitions are a waste of time, but still,
we're very slightly amused.
https://www.change.org/p/the-proletariat-do-not-al...
* INTERVIEW WITH A PIRATE - no, not the time
Tom Scott almost became an MP, but 'Zippy'
some bloke who used to copy Atari ST games at
an almost industrial scale.
https://codetapper.com/atari-st/st-interviews/zipp...
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: FRIDAY GAME
OB Goose
A one-player cross between Scrabble and
Sokoban for people who like word games but
have no friends. We have tested, and can
confirm that it accepts swear words. Fun, but
the Bob Godfrey-esque wobble can make you feel
a bit sick after a while.
https://dunkelgrau.itch.io/obgoose
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Northern Films
So Northern films was one of the better
challenges of recent times - 130+ entries from
you photoshop-hungry gag makers. We
particularly enjoyed the output of Q4nobody,
Chumps & Ninj but it's worth looking at the
challenge in full, as there's a cumulative
effect of seeing loads of pop culture spat
back at you with a Northern twist.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/northernfilms/popular/
>> This week: Channel4 <<
Channel 4 is under threat from the government
again, so let's celebrate all it has given us
over the years. From Countdown to The Word
with warning triangles and lesbian kisses.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/channel4
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* CYRIAK AND BEN WHEATLEY TOGETHER AGAIN - two
old b3tans for the price of one in Wheatley's
new movie:
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2021/jun/20/in-th...
* MATT ROUND UPDATES BUTTSTOCK - "another
buttystock update went live including
HappyToast's crazy stuff"
https://vole.wtf/buttystock/~happytoast/89/
* DONATIONS FOR HUGO_RUNE'S KIDS - After
Hugo/Greg's sad death there's been many
donations to his kids from both b3tans and his
friends and family in Ireland. Throw in if you
haven't - his kids deserve a break after this
awful event.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/for-lizzie-and-louis-to...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas for your rears
* NAME THAT SPOON - just every spoon, given a
name.
* CALL MY MUFF - a quiz where you have to
guess if alternative names for vaginas are
real or not.
* WE ARE THE CHAMPIGNONS - make room for the
mushroom in this exciting gameshow where
contestants eat random fungi and then have to
google how long they have to live and what
treatment they need.
Send us some stuff so we don't have to write
puns about "Scale Of The Century" and "The
Golden Shit"
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E.
Bonus thanks: Chris Shaw & Happosai.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Danuel Calvin. We love you and do
please donate as you get occasional bonus
content.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
