we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "B3TA HANDS IN RESIGNATION TO MUMFORD & SONS SO WE TOO CAN SPEND MORE TIME TWEETING"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* ANCIENT B3TA EMAILS - let's time travel to 2014
* CYRIAK & WHEATLEY - together again or something
* FESSHOLE BREAKS GERMANY - well, sort of

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're all having an
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | unsatisfying affair with 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Matt Hancock... together"

B3ta electro-e-e-mail 776 - 25th Jun 2021

Read this issue to your uninterested dog:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue776

-------------------------------------------------

: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
  Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage

  If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
  weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
  controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
  of British sport.

  Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
  sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE WERE DOING IN 2014
  Let's open the old email bag

  We've got a pile of old email from the dark
  period when we stopped sending regular
  newsletters so, lets for the sheer fuck of it,
  dip into it and see what we get from 2014:

  * B3TAN T-SHIRTS - Smallbrainfield writes,
  "Hey there. I seem to recall you having a
  t-shirt of the week feature many years ago
  where you popped a link into the newsletter
  for b3tans with something to hawk. I was
  wondering if you fancied reviving said
  feature? Here's my risible effort on
  Redbubble." Ah fuck it, 7 years later, why the
  fuck not.
http://www.redbubble.com/people/smallbrainfield/po...

  * BOOK THAT MENTIONS B3TA - Charles Seife
  writes, "I've been reading b3ta on and off
  since the late 90s... since before Rickrolling
  replaced goatse-ing, and before badgers were
  associated in any way with mushrooms. I'm
  writing because I've got a book coming out
  this week that makes a mention or two of b3ta
  in it, and the b3tards might be interested."
  Well we're fucked if we're ever going to get
  round to reading this but it's got great
  reviews so maybe you can be arsed?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/06700260...

  * ERRATUM - We also enjoyed the emails from a
  woman asking us to sell her advertising space
  for an app, bet she's going to love getting a
  reply 7 years later asking if she's still
  interested. Also this one: "Hello b3ta. Back
  in 2006 when I was 15 I made a whimsical point
  and click adventure game called Aliens From
  Planet Dave which you very kindly featured in
  your newsletter. I'm now 23 and I've made a
  similar game about the numbing depression of
  finishing uni and facing the bleak, bleak
  future ahead." Sadly the link was dead but if
  you're reading Lee, we would love to know what
  bleak content you're making aged 30.

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Buy some lovely jeans. Or a hat. Or a shirt.

  Right, let's rewrite the copy for the Hebtro
  plug so that it captures your eye a bit.
  Hebtro will make your orgasms last longer and
  your teeth white? Hebtro refreshes the pants
  other trousers can't reach? Oh we don't know,
  just consider them the next time you need to
  buy some clothes because they help keep the
  lights on in B3ta towers.
https://hebtro.co/

-------------------------------------------------

The truly fun fact about tin openers is that
they were invented 80 years after tinned food.
Before that they used a hammer & chisel. True.

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Shitty confessions converted into useless likes

  We ask you to confess and post the worst
  online - here's three that stood out this
  week:

  * WOOF - "My dog's legs have gone. The last 10
  years I've run with him on the field, with him
  sitting to give me a few seconds head start;
  he's destroyed me every time. I barely jog
  now, but let him feel he's still the man as he
  gets ahead of me, and he turns, wagging his
  tail in pride."

  * LIFE IS NOT A PORN SHOOT - "I tried to
  seduce my teacher when I was 16, by hiding in
  his office with no clothes on. I imagined he'd
  open the doors overcome with lust & slide
  straight inside me. He actually told me to get
  dressed & left the room. I felt so humiliated
  but now I am so glad he was a good one."

  * SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT - "Worked at a 5 star
  hotel in Dublin for 2 years. Served many VIPs
  and celebs. Bruce Springsteen was the best of
  the lot - funny, charming and tipped me €50
  when I brought him his meal. The only turd was
  Van Morrison."

  Link goes to the best of for May 2021, so join
  the 149,000 reprobates who should know better.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14083298207449...

  Also some German newspapers got in touch and
  asked a few questions about Fesshole, so give
  that a read if your German is good - or more
  accurately, if you trust the autotranslate in
  your browser.
https://www.sueddeutsche.de/panorama/twitter-fessh...

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by people from the other side (ITV)

  * INTRODUCING THE JOG STRAP - Ok it's just a
  comedy sketch but we couldn't help but very
  slightly laugh.
https://b3ta.com/links/Have_you_heard_about_the_Jo...

  * ARTY MODERATION BOLLOCKS - An endless live
  film being created by a robot looking at new
  videos uploaded to YouTube, and running them
  through various algorithms to turn it all into
  art and/or utter bobbins.
https://what-the-robot-saw.com

  * ANIMATORS USING THE SAME WALK CYCLE
  CHALLENGE - 2,400 CG artists were each given
  the same base animation and challenged to make
  something unique out of it. These are just
  some of the clips from the top 100 artists.
  Some amazing creativity.
https://b3ta.com/links/1567681

  * DO NOT ALLOW JEFF BEZOS TO RETURN TO EARTH -
  petitions are a waste of time, but still,
  we're very slightly amused. 
https://www.change.org/p/the-proletariat-do-not-al... 

  * INTERVIEW WITH A PIRATE - no, not the time
  Tom Scott almost became an MP, but 'Zippy'
  some bloke who used to copy Atari ST games at
  an almost industrial scale.
https://codetapper.com/atari-st/st-interviews/zipp... 

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  OB Goose

  A one-player cross between Scrabble and
  Sokoban for people who like word games but
  have no friends. We have tested, and can
  confirm that it accepts swear words.  Fun, but
  the Bob Godfrey-esque wobble can make you feel
  a bit sick after a while.
https://dunkelgrau.itch.io/obgoose

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Northern Films

  So Northern films was one of the better
  challenges of recent times - 130+ entries from
  you photoshop-hungry gag makers. We
  particularly enjoyed the output of Q4nobody,
  Chumps & Ninj but it's worth looking at the
  challenge in full, as there's a cumulative
  effect of seeing loads of pop culture spat
  back at you with a Northern twist.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/northernfilms/popular/

  >> This week: Channel4 <<
  Channel 4 is under threat from the government
  again, so let's celebrate all it has given us
  over the years. From Countdown to The Word
  with warning triangles and lesbian kisses.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/channel4

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next on previous stories

  * CYRIAK AND BEN WHEATLEY TOGETHER AGAIN - two
  old b3tans for the price of one in Wheatley's
  new movie:
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2021/jun/20/in-th...

  * MATT ROUND UPDATES BUTTSTOCK - "another
  buttystock update went live including
  HappyToast's crazy stuff"
https://vole.wtf/buttystock/~happytoast/89/

  * DONATIONS FOR HUGO_RUNE'S KIDS - After
  Hugo/Greg's sad death there's been many
  donations to his kids from both b3tans and his
  friends and family in Ireland. Throw in if you
  haven't - his kids deserve a break after this
  awful event.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/for-lizzie-and-louis-to...

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas for your rears

  * NAME THAT SPOON - just every spoon, given a
  name.

  * CALL MY MUFF - a quiz where you have to
  guess if alternative names for vaginas are
  real or not.

  * WE ARE THE CHAMPIGNONS - make room for the
  mushroom in this exciting gameshow where
  contestants eat random fungi and then have to
  google how long they have to live and what
  treatment they need.

  Send us some stuff so we don't have to write
  puns about "Scale Of The Century" and "The
  Golden Shit"
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
  support. Proofing by Kat E.

  Bonus thanks: Chris Shaw & Happosai.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
  special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
  NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
  Jobling & Danuel Calvin. We love you and do
  please donate as you get occasional bonus
  content.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

next issue »
« previous issue