NEWSLETTER: "YOU WILL OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2009"
This Week:
* NIRVANA - misheard lyrics
* FESSHOLE - 'sex special'. Eek.
* PHOTOSHOPS - Your best ones this week
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | so we can make silk
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| y-fronts... together"
B3ta email 789 - 01 Oct 2021
Read this issue through a vocoder like a disco robot:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue789
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making turd tributes to the Queen
>> Smells Like Tweet Spirit misheard lyrics<<
Merkinhead writes, "Did this six years ago and
it was taken down within 24h. Now seems to be
back up again so reposting for the 30th
anniversary of Nevermind." This is a work of
entertainment genius.
https://b3ta.com/links/Nerdpunna_Smells_Like_Tweet...
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: BEST PHOTOSHOPS THIS WEEK
Your pixels, judged in our Turnip Prize
* Celebrating the release of the new James
Bond film with a Bond gag. ((a)lexistwit)
https://b3ta.com/board/11352035
* Timely comment on the petrol crisis. (The
Twisted Omentum)
https://b3ta.com/board/11352318
* A rather lovely David Hockney / Nirvana
mash-up. (Plankton)
https://b3ta.com/board/11352248
Quite why we've never done a 'best photoshops
this week' before is because we're absolute
idiots. Will probably do it again next week.
Or not if we forget.
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: FESSHOLE SEX SPECIAL
Mucky ones this week
Each week we ask you to jizz your confessions
over the vicar and he selects the stickiest
lumps for your delectation and pleasure:
* WETHERSPOOGE - "My wife and I have had sex
in the bathroom of 36 of the approx 60
Wetherspoons in Scotland. We started actively
trying to tick them off after number 3. We
don't even like Wetherspoons."
* LUBE - My 4 yr old walked into our bedroom
and asked what smelled like sweeties. I said I
didn't know, but I did. It was the strawberry
flavoured lube I was using to lube his mum's
bum hole with before he walked in and ruined
the fun.
* TRUTH - "I love watching my husband trying
to reverse onto our drive - it's hilarious
seeing him struggle. It's also a pretty good
illustration of why I have to rub my own clit
during sex."
Join the 182,000 people who should have their
fax machines examined by Mrs Marple. Link goes
to the best of August so it's worth a click
(or tap for people on their internet
telephones) for the peg confession alone.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14433188939850...
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* KLF HEADS TAKE NOTE - Do you want a two hour
version of the KLF's Chill Out? Well not
exactly but we've made a playlist of Come Down
Dawn + many of the missing tracks that were
sampled on Chill Out and we find it pretty
enjoyable anyway. Also, if you see Bill and
Jimmy, can you ask them to get on with the
apparently stalled reissues?
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2bzyYbz9YHYENIfj...
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
"Don't be a dick" socks
Do you ever worry that you're being a dick?
Then remind yourself not to be dick by wearing
'don't be a dick' socks. Or, maybe you work
for an absolute dick, wear these socks to echo
your daily thoughts and commit a small and
secret act of rebellion.
https://hebtro.co/product/menace-dick-socks/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by people we quietly dislike
* GOOGLE STREET VIEW 1914 - A set of photos
from the past that fit nicely into a
Streetview-esque format. Pop on your smartest
hat and take a relaxing stroll in the past.
https://stroll-down-flatbush.chriswhong.com
* ADVANCED TOASTER SIMULATOR - press space to
pop up some toast. Then press it again and
again and again until you have enough toast. A
real-life version would make a fantastic Robot
Wars contestant.
https://colombage.itch.io/fumee-des-miettes
* HOW DEEP IS THE STRID? Cure fans who've ever
wondered where the cover of Faith was shot
know that the place is called Bolton Abbey and
it also features "the Strid" one of the most
dangerous bits of water in the UK. But how
deep is it? Let's use sonar to find out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SOUP VS ART - Did you know that Terry
Pratchett changed publisher in Germany because
they were inserting soup adverts into his
stories? BTW: If any German publishers wish to
plant adverts for soup all over B3ta then
please get in touch.
https://gmkeros.wordpress.com/2011/09/02/terry-pra...
* IS THIS ART JUSTIFIED? Interesting Twitter
thread pointing out what a work of art an
ancient fan-made FAQ on an old SNES game is.
No really, come back, and appreciate the art.
https://twitter.com/mattgemmell/status/14414974985...
* STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, BAVARIAN EDITION -
you didn't know you wanted gangsta rap sung as
an oom-pah song did you? But you do, you so
do.
https://b3ta.com/links/Straight_outta_Compton_Bava...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Beat Barry Manilow and draw a perfect triangle
Can you draw a perfect... equilateral
triangle. Not quite the challenge of Matt
Round's circle game, but still tough.
https://paytoreplace.com/triangular/
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What do you get if you cross nuclear power with
a potato? Fission chips.
Thanks 'drpdrp1' - have you also written a joke
you need to apologise for? Trained clowns are
waiting for your post.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
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: FROM THE B3TA INBOX
Your missives back to us
Nikhildhanabal writes, "Hello. I saw in your
newsletter that we could make an "Unscientific
Calculator", so here's mine. If you click one
of the numbers, it will output a random
conspiracy theory or pseudoscientific belief."
Hmm, it's a bit bare bones - but yes that's
the rough idea.
http://htmlpreview.github.io/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Ideas for free
This week our suggested ideas will be to help
the government out of their multitude of
crises.
* SOLVE THE HGV DRIVER SHORTAGE - draft
everyone who's played Eurotruck Simulator
including Limmy.
* SOLVE THE MET POLICE CRISIS - well really
shouldn't they just be announcing an
investigation which will take years to
complete, thus kicking it into the long grass?
Anything's got to be better than telling women
it's their own fault for not knowing which
police are trouble or not.
* SOLVE THE EVERYTHING CRISIS - by... oh we're
not going to say it, you know what the answer
is.
Stick your balls in our inbox:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
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James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
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Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
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Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
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Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
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peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
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Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
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Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
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McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter. Love you.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: TOP TIP
Convince children that they've shrunk by
serving them dinner on a metre wide plate with
cabbages in place of sprouts (drimble)
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
