NEWSLETTER: "YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO 'GIVING A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING EVER' HAS LAPSED"
This Week:
* IMAGINARY PAINT COLOURS - from Rock'n'Roll names
* NEW VIDEO - for Kunt's no. 1 Xmas bid
* GAME - Practise 'having a girlfriend' simulator
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web much
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | like Jesus is saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the Woolwich... not at all"
B3ta email 799 - 10 Dec 2021
Read this issue to your rubber duck for new ideas:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue799
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than sinister jam that the neighbours hate
* ROCK AND ROLL PAINT - Monkeon has made a
thing that makes paint/pop puns like MARIGOLD
FAITHFULL and NICKEL BERRY. He tells us, "I
saw the original magazine article on Twitter
and thought that my pun finder script should
be able to generate new ones quite easily, as
well as it being a piece of piss to recreate
in CSS. Some are shit, some work pretty well."
BTW: If you know anything about the mysterious
original infographic creator Pat Arthur then
please do get in touch.
https://monkeon.co.uk/rockandrollpaints/
* THRICE NAMED ANIMAL TRUMPS - Matt Round has
been amused that there's animals with 'triple
tautonym' names such as an otter called 'lutra
lutra lutra' and he's turned them into
printable Top Trumps. He tells us, "I launched
this thing featuring HappyToast artwork, just
one of those projects where I decided to make
a simple thing because it was fun & easy to
do, rather than having a hook or something."
https://vole.wtf/triple-tautonyms/
* KUNT'S GLITTER VIDEO - Seeing as we're
full-throatedly supporting Kunt's plan to
crash the Christmas charts with his song
'Boris Johnson Is Still A Cunt' then it would
be amiss of us to not mention that he's got a
new video out, yes a different one to last
week, with this one riffing off an imaginary
Top Of The Pops appearance instead of the KLF.
Remember to download and stream from 17
December, all ten bloody remixes.
https://twitter.com/kuntandthegang/status/14692163...
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
You know, jeans and stuff, all British made
Pull your finger out and sort out your
Christmas presents ok? You don't want to be
that twat wandering around TK-Maxx on
Christmas Eve looking at absolute crap going
"will this do?" Buy your presents NOW:
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: FESSHOLE
Your festering confessions fessed up for likes
Each week you shit in a bin and we swill it
around looking for turds that we can show
people going "does this smell right to you?"
* DIRTY CONFESSION - "Put my vibrators, butt
plugs etc in the dishwasher on a Sunday night
for a deep clean. My cleaners came a day early
and I came home to find them arranged neatly
on my bed. Absolutely mortifying."
* WORK CONFESSION - "I used to work with
someone who was so catastrophically shit at
their job that much of my time was spent
fixing basic fuckups caused by their laziness
and ineptitude. When they left, the office had
a whip round and I pretended to put in some
money but I actually took out £20."
* CAR CONFESSION - "A random cheery stranger
once jumped into my car and greeted me with a
hearty 'ALRIGHT DICKHEAD?' to which I replied
'I've no idea who you are mate.' He
immediately apologised and left. This should
really be his confession, but I couldn't be
bothered waiting any longer."
Join the 211k people who should have their
private cine reel collections examined by
Columbo.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content from outside the B3ta universe
* IT'S TREKMAS! We're only going to link one
Christmas song and it's Captain Jean Luc
Picard "singing" All I Want For Christmas Is
You. No, Paul Weller, THAT'S entertainment.
https://b3ta.com/links/Merry_Christmas:23
* CAN TECHNOLOGY JUST STOP? In ideas that
should mean Elon Musk is sent to the moon and
left there, Tesla now has video games for the
driver to play whilst driving. Our
civilisation doesn't deserve to exist.
https://archive.md/8Mo44
* EMOJI WHIMSY - Making a silly version of a
popular site is usually a good way to find a
project. This site has made a scale-of-things
visualiser but using emojis, and it seems to
be doing pretty well.
https://javier.xyz/emoji-to-scale/
* WEIRD SOUND LOOPER - Imagine you are Brian
Eno or David Byrne making My Life In The Bush
of Ghosts by collecting sound samples from
around the world. Enjoyable enough to randomly
click buttons and enjoy the silly noises,
though it feels like there's probably smarter
ways to play with it and make art.
https://globalsequencer.com
* WELCOME TO OMEGA MART - Enjoyably surreal
comedy skit about an imaginary supermarket.
Kinda what Look Around You might be like if it
was American.
https://b3ta.com/links/Omega_Mart
* FURIOUS TARZAN MASTURBATION - Tarzan doll
that looks like it's wanking. That's the link.
Yes. You might think "what's the point in
clicking?", as there's nothing more to it, but
seeing something with your own eyes has a
reality to it which words can't always convey.
https://b3ta.com/links/Tarzan_Toy:2
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: FRIDAY GAMES
Practice Girlfriend Simulator
Learn to be good on dates by practising on a
selection of inanimate objects and avoiding
the socially awkward pitfalls that make you
look like a weirdo in this realistic dating
simulator.
https://drewtrager.legboot.com
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What's the difference between tarka dal and
regular dal? Tarka's a little 'otter.
Thank you, Horace.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
The world as seen from CorelDRAW 7.0
* Captn Hood-Butter drives the Boris Bus into
the wall of lies
https://b3ta.com/board/11356950
* Chumps points out exactly how the MET police
aid the Government
https://b3ta.com/board/11357024
* Whilst The Twisted Omentum finally aims his
guns at Mother Teresa
https://b3ta.com/board/11356702
In other news there's over 100 entries in our
religious movies challenge, do make sure you
check that out before you shuffle off your
mortal coil and join the choir invisible with
that bloke from Bronski Beat and him from the
Monkees.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/religiousmovies/popular
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next
* EVERY SECOND SONG REACHES MILESTONE - a
B3tan launched project you may remember is
this counter that counts up songs from 1
second in length and upwards. Now at 2
minutes, we're looking forward to the prog
years.
https://twitter.com/EverySecondSong
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Some ideas to kick you off
* POLITICS FOR ALTS - Run a
PoliticsForAll-style account with pretty much
the same content but not run by a Brexiteer
Tory. Pretty sure you could crowdfund a wage
to get someone to do that. Or make
PopiticsForAll that's just a series of stupid
headlines mashed with old pop stars.
* MAKE YOUR OWN VIZ STRIP - "Bojo the
incompetent clown who gives jobs to his mates"
where he outsources the custard pie production
to his mates at Eton and gets back a bowl of
rancid lard.
* LITERALLY BOT - There's probably a twitter
account idea republishing headlines that use
literally in an irritating way and go "nope,
that's not what literally means"
Shove your shite in our inbox:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: TOP TIP
Save time, money and a possible animal cruelty
suit by buying the complete works of
Shakespeare. (spanishfly)
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
