NEWSLETTER: "#BORIS4XMASNO1 BUY THE SINGLE NOW! HTTP://BORISJOHNSON.INFO/ "
This Week:
* HELP KUNT - get to no. 1 in the charts & our hearts
* WHERE'S BONO? - Topical online game for 2021
* DEATHS OF THE YEAR - as is traditional
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the Christmas charts
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 800 - 22nd Dec 2021
Sing this issue to Johnson calling him a C***
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue800
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet love to their hands
* GET 'BORIS JOHNSON IS STILL A F***ING C**T
TO NO 1 FOR XMAS - finally the single is out
and there's just time for you to buy it. You
can buy all eleven versions on iTunes and
Amazon, including a version with your
newsletter editor and his children and other
old b3tan stalwarts like Dan Bull and
Cassetteboy. Also please stream on repeat.
There's 24 hour playlist links on the page.
http://borisjohnson.info
* WHERE'S BONO? Your editor suggested that
Monkeon make a game to test your memory of the
classic Band Aid group photo. We found Marilyn
in 1.2 seconds. Yay us!
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/wheresbono
* DEATHS OF THE YEAR - Dr Dunno AKA Chris
Barker has made his yearly tally of what
celebs have died in the style of the SGT
Pepper album cover.
https://b3ta.com/board/11357154
* REMEMBER NOSTALGIA - Jason Scott of the
Internet Archive writes, "Another major
milestone (for me, anyway) in the road to
Flash emulation of the pre-2005 era: The HEY
HEY 16K music video - a love letter to the ZX
Spectrum is now functioning with background
video being played. Bravo to the Ruffle team."
This is great news and means we'll be getting
some of B3ta's old flash content up on our
website soon:
https://archive.org/details/heyhey16k
* DESTROY MATT ROUND WITH 'HAMPSTERS' - Matt
Round has updated Vole.WTF so you can go to
any page & choose the menu option DESTROY THIS
PAGE to wreck it with explosives, hampsters
and more.
http://vole.wtf
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Gift vouchers for jeans and stuff init
Our sponsor is now selling gift vouchers, so
if you're looking for a last minute Christmas
present for someone and think lovely clothes
are a great idea but you'd want them to choose
them themselves then get to it:
https://hebtro.co/product/hebtroco-gift-voucher/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap likes
Each week you shit in a bin and we strain for
gold:
* TEABAGS - "Every morning since 1st January
this year, I have been throwing a teabag into
my cup from a distance of about 2 metres. It's
not that far, but I haven't missed yet. Every
morning the pressure builds as I try to make
it a calendar year without missing. It's
getting very tense."
* LOCKDOWN - "Since lockdown started, I've
watched 1,700 episodes of The Bill during work
hours and no one has noticed. Hopefully I'll
see all of them before I'm back full time."
* BUZZING - "Put my vibrators, butt plugs etc
in the dishwasher on a Sunday night for a deep
clean. My cleaners came a day early and I came
home to find them arranged neatly on my bed.
Absolutely mortifying."
Join the 221,000 people who should have their
microfiches inspected by Magnum P.I.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14708265172865...
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We're saddened to learn about the death of Toby
Slater who was knocking around in our world
during early days B3ta stuff. We remember a man
who was easy with his praise and eternally
fascinated by how things work.
https://www.nme.com/news/music/toby-slater-of-brit...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Fresh hotlinks from Tim Berners-Lee's kitchen
* WEB FREE NOT WEB3 - Enjoy the schadenfreude
of these awful web3 stories while you can, as
there seems to be enough money behind it to
make this horrible vision of the future real.
https://web3isgoinggreat.com
* BBC SNOWFLAKES - Of course, real nerds don't
buy NFTs, they buy generative snowflakes
minted (PRINT "YOUR NAME HERE") by a BBC Micro
for a good cause.
https://ko-fi.com/post/Charity-snowflake-generator...
* BUSY SIMULATOR - Pretend you are either very
important or are today's ground zero of social
media hate by setting off all your phone's app
sounds at once.
https://busysimulator.com
* TEXT TO EMOJI - An attempt to add relevant
emojis to any block of text you give it. Fun
to paste song lyrics into, or you could
probably run a dreadful Amazon business in
which you automate printing every
out-of-copyright book as an emoji edition as a
"fun" stocking-filler.
https://kevingal.com/apps/emojipasta.html
* DATES IN MOVIES - a Twitter account that
celebrates dates in movies, you know, like the
inception date of the replicants in Blade
Runner etc.
https://twitter.com/DatesInMovies
* CLEAN YOUR TEEN THE WOLVERHAMPTON WAY -
Horrible public information film from 1960s
Wolverhampton about how to clean your teeth
that makes it look like we were all living in
poverty in soviet Russia. Maybe we were. Maybe
it really was that shit.
https://www.macearchive.org/films/how-use-your-too...
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What's the easiest way to prepare for a Turkish
fast food-themed fancy dress party? Don a kebab.
(Thx Ghostwriter)
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
The word through the eyes of MSPaint
* Pedantichrist makes the nerdy Christmas joke
you wish YOU'D made:
https://b3ta.com/board/11357323
* Monkeon making a religious movie crossover:
https://b3ta.com/board/11357189
* And it's Dr Dunno reminding us that politics
is a thing
https://b3ta.com/board/11357475
We've also got a celebrity Christmas card
challenge open:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/celebrityxmascards/popu...
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Other than a gift card for free handjobs
* REALISTIC 'SEX AND THE CITY' REBOOT - where
Carrie is writing a Substack, podcasting and
begging for ko-fi, whilst getting fuck all
commissions other than the odd Guardian
Comment Is Free for about £100 and two days of
people calling you an arsehole.
* COVID RACER - some sort of game where the
graphs of the infections is a slope for you to
climb in Boris's bus.
* GOODBYE - Rewrite The Beloved's Hello as
Goodbye and make all the newly dead for the
year rhyme, and do it every year to tie in
with Chris Barker's Sgt Pepper stuff. Actually
don't do this, well not unless you're very
good at songs and can make it not horrible.
Stick your penis in our inbox:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: TOP TIP
Avoid the international ban on ivory by buying
a live elephant. (Ugi)
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
