NEWSLETTER: "BY THE NEXT WORLD CUP, YOU'LL HAVE TO BE 82 TO HAVE SEEN ENGLISH MEN IN A FINAL, AS AN ADULT"
* IMAGE CHALLENGE RESULTS - Comedy meets Art
* PET SHOP BOYS COLOURING-BOOK - to pay Rent
* WEIRDLY PACKED B3TA FOLLOW UPS - what next?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | signing a big petition
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| coz that always works"
B3ta newsletter 991, 20th July 2026
Read this issue in mockney & shout PARKLIFE:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue991
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making DIY testicles with eggs
* PET SHOP BOYS COLOURING-IN BOOK - HappyToast
writes, "Do you like the Pet Shop Boys? Do you
like colouring in? Well that's a stroke of luck
because I spent days drawing 60 (x2) Pet Shop
Boys outfits and made them into a colouring
book." This is the Smash Hits Annual that Neil
Tennant would return to Smash Hits for.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0H5T96P5...
* RUBBER DUCK SIMULATOR - Lepetitg writes, "I am
back at it with a new project - an online rubber
duck that you can talk to. It will do its best
to be helpful with any problem you may decide to
share with it." If you're not familar with the
rubber duck concept, it's from coding, where
coders worked out that saying their problems out
loud often helped solve them. It's a wonderful
technique that also works for marriages.
https://rubberduck.greg.technology/
* IT'S TIME FOR A VISUAL JOKE - Drivelsieve
writes, "I Made These Photographs Move", and
then further informs us that the photographs in
question are "baseball men". It's nice to see
someone keeping the DIY Terry Gilliam spirit
alive on the official website of record, b3ta
dot bollocks.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_these_photographs_mo...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Have you considered buying some new clothes?
You are sitting there in your shorts that you
bought in 2010 and a t-shirt that came free with
a toilet. You could look better than that, and
the secret is Hebtro. Clothes for men, designed
in the UK, made in the UK, all to strangely
high-standards so that they last a long time.
Get buying now, and smarten yourself up.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your guide to rubbish British fesses this week
Collecting fesses and occasionally earning money
out of it means we're like the Catholic Church
but less corrupt and less interested in diddling
choir boys. Some of your favs this week include:
* MEOW - "I have been added to my cat's WhatsApp
group. The whole street has a group so they all
know where he is and who has given him treats
already. He has a better social life than me as
proven by the fact that this is the first group
chat I've ever been in."
* POSTMAN SPICE - "Best friend and I, convinced
we could be pop stars (like the Spice Girls)
recorded ourselves singing a song we wrote. No
clue what address to use, we posted the tape to
'Record Company London' with a letter and my
address. Amazingly, EMI wrote back, saying sorry
but best of luck."
* PFFFT - "Took my just-talking toddler to
playgroup and struck up a conversation with
another parent. 'I ask what their child's name
is, they reply Alexa. Cue my toddler piping up
'Hey Alexa, do a fart noise'"
Follow the account on Instagram because maybe
we'll get it popular enough that we could
advertise deodorant like the pretty tennis lady,
who is currently all over the tube, sniffing
deodorant like a deodorant-sniffing champ.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books so you've got something to read in
the bog, other than that copy of Private Eye's
Mediaballs from 2003 with Ruby Wax on the cover.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Ceefax pages to print off at home for your mum
* ALBUM QUIZ BOLLOCKS - Nice little music quiz
in which you must guess which album came first.
Mostly gives you options you have a chance of
having heard of, though there are still going to
be clues in the album art if you stopped
listening to music the day Britpop died (Sean
Maguire singing Today's The Day on Top of The
Pops being that exact moment).
https://nuoy.app/firstdrop
* 3D STUPID GOLF PUTTING GAME - golf is for
wankers, and the internet is for wanking, so
let's all put golf on the internet and have a
massive big wank. Honestly that was just filler
text, play the game, it's fun.
https://putt.day
* SAM NEILL'S SCREEN TEST FOR BOND - sad to see
Sam shuffle off, and it's interesting to note
that absolutely no one has a bad word to say
about him, which must be a lesson on how to live
your life: be very handsome and have great vibes
and star in much loved films. So that's our plan
for 2027. Also, yes, he would have been a great
Bond. As would we.
https://b3ta.com/links/Sam_Neills_screen_test_for_...
* SUBMIT YOUR OBJECTS AND "WIN" THEM APPEARING
IN A GAME - Someone called Everest writes, "I'm
making a short parser fiction game where you are
a worker in the warehouse of the gods, sorting
and storing objects to the whims of holy
creatures." We're featuring this largely for all
the people like typing into the Fess/Anon forms,
here's another form for you to splurge your
bollocks into.
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdftElon4...
* SINCLAIR FONT - There's been a lot of quite
popular logo generators recently, where you can
play around with the text on things like the Dr
Who titles or Burger King's logo with hilarious
results. This one seems the most b3ta friendly,
though, being your chance to make Uncle Clive's
blocky beauty say Amstrad at long last.
https://dpt.github.io/SinclairLogo/
* INTERNET WEATHER - Get the current weather
using the closest matching Rothko painting.
Which basically just means orange or black
depending on if it is day or night. Next week:
check the terrorist threat level in your country
by how puce a gammon face is.
https://rothko.joonas.wtf/
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: FOLLOW UPS - A BUMPER CROP FOR SOME REASON
What happened next on previous stories
* RADIO 4 LONGWAVE SHUTS DOWN - c_kick writes,
"I take it you noticed this? I was reminded of
our Tripping Forecast when I read the news on
longwave ceasing." Yep, as of 27 June, the
wonderful mellow sound of 198 kHz Longwave is no
more. Check our the B3tan tribute to Longwave
here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* B3TAN PROJECT, FUNDS - David Ault writes,
"Thanks so much to everyone who helped boost
Beck's End across the line to 120% funding and
various stretch goals! The final production will
be out on the Rusty Quill network next year, but
in the meantime if you like creeping horror with
lots of atmosphere, do please check out the
original anthology podcast Shadows at the Door.
We recently remade the initial episode to show
how far we've come in the years since making it,
and each one includes a fully-scored audiodrama
and lively discussions afterwards, with a
cloister bell for the Doctor Who references. I
may be biased, but playing Lord Henry in our
adaptation of Dorian Gray is one of my personal
highlights." Hooray, we look forward to hearing
your spooky folk podcast.
https://becksend.com
* JOHN HIGGS CREDITS B3TA NEWSLETTER FOR HIS
SUCCESS - delighted to read Higg's latest
newsletter 'New Moon 7' where he mentions the
direct line between his career and being
featured in this newsletter. We wanted to link
to it but it's a members only thing without a
preview, and we asked if he could stick a
preview in and he says, "Alas I make a point of
not doing this - it's mainly a personal dislike
of those newsletters where you start reading
something and then they stop and won't tell you
the rest unless you give them money. It's that
sense that the online world is essentially
manipulative, that you are always being
psychologically manipulated and played that bugs
me. Sorry!" So you'll have to imagine the lovely
compliment we got.
https://johnhiggs.substack.com/p/new-moon-letter-7
* A QUESTION FOR YOU TO SOLVE - rlstevenson93
writes, "Hello! I was suddenly compelled after
many years to replay Gash or Tash - still
amazing but where has the accompanying track (by
Craig David) gotten to? I can't find it anywhere
online, is it available?" This was a collab
between this newsletter writer (lyrics) and
Jonti Picking (music) and... actually it IS
available if you really dig around. There's your
challenge, can you find it?
* ZX81 FOLLOW UP - digignome writes, "I made a
little bot that generates a random ZX81 screen
every hour, maybe Clive will finally show up? I
submitted this back in March after newsletter
982, but maybe tbe donkey thought it was
rubbish. Good news, it hasn't improved!" Yep it
is kinda rubbish, there's no way monkeys typing
randomly on a ZX81 is ever going to code 3D
Monster Maze.
https://bsky.app/profile/uncleclive.bsky.social
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Opinions are like arseholes, they small of shit
Fesshole's older and less popular brother is
Anon Opin, people who like it really like, but
the awkward name means it's never done massive
numbers, still, it's our favourite:
* WOMEN ARE FROM WAITROSE, MEN ARE FROM THE
CORNER SHOP - "A woman on her own will still
cook herself a healthy, delicious dinner every
day. A man on his own will alternate his dinners
between toast, cereal and a Pot Noodle." Best
reply? "This woman, when her husband and adult
children are out of the house, happily has
popcorn and wine for dinner, with a handful of
chocolate chips for dessert." (thx
donnasinkarch)
* PLANE TRUTH - "Who pays extra to board a plane
sooner than everyone else even though they're
not going to get to the destination any
quicker?" Best reply? "Shaft!" (thx Steve
Morrison)
* GLORY HOLES - "Only a tiny number of
specialists need to know the difference between
a stalagmite and a stalagtite. Why has this
random trivia been drummed into generation after
generation of British kids?" Best reply?
"Because that knowledge is transferable to other
areas. For exapmle, marmite is the disgusting
muck in the jar while martite is the disgusting
muck stuck to the lid" (thx Rhys Olwyn)
Follow the account if you like, at this point in
our existence it matters not a jot either way,
the account will go on regardless, and we'll
read the approx 150 submitted every fucking day
too, for that is our lot in life.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Comedy Art
Here's the best images from last week:
* CHRIS BARKER BREAKS THE INTERNET - we suppose
we best give Barker the winning spot here as
he's posted his entire hard drive in a single
post. Good quality stuff though and buy his
book, else his children will have to go and work
in the mines.
http://b3ta.com/board/11429218
If Chris hadn't bothered breaking the format,
the following would be the winners:
* OH FOR FFS, CHRIS HAS WON THAT TOO - a lovely
poster for the only interesting election
happening in the world this year:
https://b3ta.com/board/11429508
* IT'S ALL ABOUT SECOND, SECOND PLACE - and
finally we have some non-Barker content from
Happy Toast, which again is about the important
election
https://b3ta.com/board/11429268
* AND PROPS TO NINJ - for not being Chris Barker
or talking about Binface
https://b3ta.com/board/11429246
* See all the other images from the 'Comedy Art'
challenge, if you can scroll past Chris's B3ta
breaking post. Are your fingers tired yet?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comedyart/popular
>> This week: Dinosaurs <<
Jurassic Park's Sam Neill has died, so in
tribute let's open Softimage 3D and make images
of his favourite animal, the dinosaur.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dinosaurs/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to flick in you in the project bean
* ROCK FAMILY TREES (NEPO BABY EDITION) -
There's something icky about old bands getting
in their children from the sub bench to fill in
roles in the band. Both a bit nepo baby, and
also, here's a pretend job for my big useless
child, who left to their own devices, would be
drinking paint. Document the lot.
* TINY DISK CONCERT - a competition to get
twenty minutes of musical entertainment into
1.44mb, bonus points if you can make something
that your dad watches on repeat, like that Wet
Leg one, because "they're very talented ladies"
* THE ANDY BURNHAM RESIGNATION DEMAND CLOCK -
whilst we're broadly hopeful that somehow
another PM is the PM that'll do the trick, it
might be vaguely interesting to monitor demands
for his resignation, as come this week, the
entire force of the online-right-bots will turn
in full-force to their new target.
Your email is just the start of it:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
BONUS IDEA - we've just been on a walk and had
at the back of our mind, oh god, need one more
idea for the newsletter and then we get back to
the typing and realise we've already done it, so
fuck it, here's the extra idea anyway. ROCK
STARS - encourage everyone to go for lovely
walks and look at the rocks on the path, can you
find one that looks like a thing? We just found
one that looks uncannyly like the head of a
Bullmastiff. Woof.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Tom Wright, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans, d@m0,
Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek
Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich,
Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton,
Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian
Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
Harri Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Richie Hindle, Robert van Dijk, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, DrumGui76,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Mark
Arnold, ' da, and Zoe Trinder-Widdess.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, ' da, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76,
Patrick Hudson, John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom
Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, and Harry Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "ACCIDENTAL NONCE" FESSHOLE
"My Polish cousin sent her daughter over to stay
with us in England for the weekend as she wanted
to go to an anime convention. It turns out being
a 47 year old man waiting alone in an airport
for a 17 year old Polish girl does alert the
authorities." Best reply? "Did mentioning the
anime convention help?" (thx Chris Hind)
