Travel Expenses
About 20 years ago for a sandwich year I worked at the local chemical plant.

Two chaps in the lab opposite found out they were both going to that year's Motor Show. One offered to give the other a lift. The day went swimmingly and good fun was (somehow) had by all. Bloke two did the right thing and offered to put some petrol money bloke 1's way.

'Let's sort it tomorrow' was the reply.

Next morning bloke 2 was about to walk over to 1 and offer some rounded-up amount towards petrol and was presented with an itemised list of expenses.

The list was exhaustive, containing 50% of petrol, 50% of a day's wear and tear, 50% of a day's RAC, 50% of a day's car tax, and other sundry items probably even more unbelievable than already mentioned.
(mersault, Thu 17 Mar 2016, 12:56, 1 reply)

What year?
In the late 90's worked with a guy who had a reputation for meanness. I never realised quite how mean until one day I found a pile of old, blank diaries the top one of which had a sticky label bearing the hand-written words "possibly 2009"?

Edit: he also counted his tea bags and brought the correct number for each term (this was in a school). Oh and he once gleefully regaled me with how he managed to cheat his wife and daughter out of the currency exchange commission money by buy his currency at a 'commission-free' seller.
(FieldingMellish, Wed 16 Mar 2016, 20:34, Reply)

At a bash once.......
Someone declared that they wouldn't pay for the full round. We had all been paying fairly up until then. To avoid further embarrassment, I paid the other half, thought it a bit weird and carried on necking pints.

Later I see that he claims massive riches and flaunts it about these pages. What a massive parsimonious cunt, eh readers?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 16 Mar 2016, 7:18, 8 replies)

It isn't for charity, Mate.
Parsimony is usually something to be sniggered at but in the case my Uncle, I don't think so. I, the prodigal nephew finally returned to the cousins household with fond memories of my affluent relatives (my parents were not nearly so wealthy). The cousins had long since left the household, leaving their parents to enjoy retirement. This they did and since Pa was a senior director of an Insurance firm that he had founded he was able to go on some pricy holidays. 2 weeks on a private estate in Wales - £33,000 per week to you. Yes, you read it right, sixty six thousand pounds for a two week holiday. He showed me the brochure and a week in Monaco totaled £279,000.
Now for the news about his offspring, this I expected to be good. Er... no, Daughter #1 had to commute from Coventry to Norfolk each day and was cracking under the strain since she couldn't afford property in the area. Daughter #2 had 3-4 jobs and was inches from welfare. Did he care? did he hell. Didn't even blink just lashed out the cash for his ever demented pleasure. I would have thought that a simple house purchase wouldn't have gone amiss here for his beloved children, but this self made character obviously thinks that middling economic status is a personality defect to be eventually dealt with by an institution.
There is a saying "From rags to riches, and back to rags". In the case of this family it couldn't be more apt.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Tue 15 Mar 2016, 19:37, 5 replies)

I once wanky wanky wanky wank wank wank wanky wanky wank

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 15 Mar 2016, 17:05, 5 replies)

i poop on company time

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 15 Mar 2016, 15:07, 5 replies)

I once dropped a one pence piece, bent down to pick it up, and it hit me on the back of the head

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 15 Mar 2016, 9:15, 8 replies)

I shop at Lidl

( $$ ✅, Tue 15 Mar 2016, 8:36, 6 replies)

Books
My Dad loves a remainder bookshop called The Works. There seems to be one on every high street.

One day he found a book in there on some cunting subject such as Lancashire pottery in the 17th century or something that amuses old people and he bought a copy for £2.99. Having read it, he found it to be so good he thought he'd get a few more copies to hand out to friends and family.

He went back to the shop, but they didn't have any more. He asked the lady to look on the computer, and she confirmed there were three copies in Bradford and two in Plymouth. Regrettably, they weren't able to transfer this stock to his local shop.

The cunt then set off on a multi-hundred-mile road trip to buy half a dozen cut price books he could have got off Amazon marketplace for probably the same price, if not less.
(MC Chicken Sandwich Me gusta ver la pornografía de los milfs., Mon 14 Mar 2016, 19:38, 1 reply)

mate of my ex
i always wondered why he wouldn't let us empty ashtrays into the metal wastebasket in the living room, instead taking them into the kitchen to empty himself.
that is, until the day he asked me to pass him a hammer out of the cupboard. i opened the cupboard door and got a massive waft of ashtray smell.
"bloody hell! this cupboard reeks! what have you got in here?" i asked.
"oh, that's my emergency supply" he replied.
turns out he'd been collecting everyone's fag ends and keeping them in a laundry tablet box to recycle into rollies when he ran out of smokes.
thrifty maybe, but still, ew.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 14 Mar 2016, 15:27, 6 replies)

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Mon 14 Mar 2016, 10:47, 6 replies)

Tony
Known amongst us as Tony the tightwad.
He would count the number of matches in a box and if there was less than the 'average contents 48' he would take them back and complain.
He would watch a pint being poured, wait for it to settle and if it was so much a millimetre under the line would ask them to top it up properly.
He once told us the story of paying £30 for a prostitute and delaying his finish for half an hour to make sure he got his moneys worth.
But the one thing that sticks to mind the most was a group of us sitting eating chips on the seafront after a hefty nights drinking.
One of the girls threw up up, quite a lot of it went into her chip bag.
She put the bag on the ground at which Tony picked it up, muttered something along the lines of waste not want not and proceeded to eat the chips.
We were gagging and complaining and all he could say was 'hey man there was at least a quids worth of chips in there'
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 13 Mar 2016, 21:15, 2 replies)