Lion Collar
Some years back, a group of us went out to Turkey in the summer holidays for usual fortnight of drinking and debauchery. Whilst trawling round the markets in Bodrum, amongt all of the stalls selling fake designer gear, piss in a bottle marketed as aftershave, and 'sex tea', were some ragged looking fellers selling farming implements. We quickly homed in on the wickedly sharp, rusty hooked machetes that seem to fulfill some function in chopping the shit out of whatever they grow in Turkey, when I cam across a star find, a massive thick steel collar, with huge spikes sticking out of it. Apparantly, they put these on their big f*ckoff mountain dogs, to gaurd flocks of sheep from lions and wolves and the like up in the hills. This thing was built to be effective, rather than pretty, it would have had any self respecting bondage and pain freak drooling with delight.
Fast forward to the airport on the way home, apparantly they have some problems with people running into Turkish airports and setting off bombs, or machine gunning travellers, so you have to get all of your luggage x-rayed on the way into the terminal. When its my turn, the guy takes one look at his screen, and demands I open my bag, there, on top of all of my clothes is a large package, wrapped in plastic carrir bags. Security goon shoves his hand into the mess of bags, and quickly pulls it out, covered in cuts (I hope his tetanus was up to date). Cue me, unwrapping this collar, putting it round my own neck, and crawling round the floor on all fours in front of a rather bemused long queue of fellow travellers. Security man looks puzzled, then realisation dawns, and he says 'ah, for dog, yes!' and waves me on through. Best bit, is he completely missed the huge hooked machete I also had in my suitcase, as well as several thousand B&H.

Great holiday, the next time I went to Turkey, I lost the end of my finger in a foam party, so I guess the country had its revenge on me!
(powermonkey poo is a weapon, monkeys use it, Mon 6 Mar 2006, 17:39, Reply)