Don't laugh, whatever you do.
In my travels, I have found it best to smile at customs officers. They have a bit of a crap job, dealing with people who are usually grumpy after spending 20 hours inside a cramped, noisy tin. (I live in Australia, so it almost always takes 20 hours in a tin to get anywhere)

Arriving home at Sydney from the US, I hand my passport to the customs officer.

"What's this?" he says.

This rings alarm bells - what have I just handed over? I look again - yep, my passport..

"My passport" I answer, smiling politely.

"Doesn't look like it" says officer. At this point he hasn't even opened it.

I should point out here that while at the Oshkosh airshow in Wisconsin, I happened to get caught in the middle of a large field in a thunderstorm - I got absolutely soaked to the skin, and my backpack leaked. Everything got wet, including my passport. It got carefully dried out under the hand-dryers of the youth hostel, and was none the worse for wear, though the cover and a few of the pages were a bit crinkly. It had obviously had a soaking, but amazingly no stamps were smudged or damaged. It had been through customs in USA, UK, France, Italy, Singapore, China, Japan and Thailand since then without a single comment. This officer, though, was special.

"What happened to it?" says officer, now looking surly.

"It got wet, in a rainstorm." I replied.

"How?" asked Officer Very Annoyed.

By this time I thought it must be a joke, this guy couldn't be serious.

"Well, I got wet, it got wet" I reply, smirking now.

"This is an important document! It's your duty to take care of it!" he blusters, waving my passport in the air.

At this point I lost my composure and started laughing - this guy is acting like the nasty inspector from 'On the Busses'

"This isn't funny!" he snaps back "This is Australian government property! It is an offence to wilfully damage a passport!"

At the word 'offence' two Federal cops appear from nowhere and begin taking an interest in this little drama.

"It is my duty to inform you that you can be charged under section blah blah blah blah..." his voice kept getting louder, by now people were moving well away from me, and I was starting to feel very nervous indeed.

The two cops now move to flank me, and the crowd moves even further away.

"If you'll come with us, sir." one of the cops says - when cops call you 'sir' you know you're in trouble...

I get led away through the crowd to a room where I fear I am to receive the dreaded cavity search.

As soon as we are inside though the cops both break into smiles

"Sorry" says one of them "I think he was just having a bad day." referring to the customs officer.

They go on to explain that they will have to search me, though, as the customs guy has reported me as 'suspicious'. They search my carry-on luggage, and breifly discuss whether they should confiscate the 2kg of French chocolate I happened to be carrying, but eventually let me go.

The lesson for today: Don't laugh in the presence of customs officials.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Tue 7 Mar 2006, 1:04, Reply)