Loft infestation
A couple of years ago I started hearing scraping noises at night in my loft. Decided to ignore it to see if it would go away. Fast forward a fortnight, and there’s an almighty bang from the loft, and the upstairs lights go out. I ventured into the loft, to be confronted with a barbecued squirrel, with its teeth sunk into one of the electrical wires for the upstairs lights. That taught the little shit…

It was at this point I noticed the huuuuge pile of shredded up loft insulation in the corner of the loft, and a pair of beady squirrelly eyes peering at me from under the pile, growling softly, obviously seriously pissed at its partner’s electrocution. I decided to make myself scarce at this point, and disappeared down to Wilko to get some squirrel repellent.

Armed with the newly-acquired squirrel repellent and an ultrasonic animal scarer, I sprayed the repellent liberally over the nest, and mounted the ultrasonic thingy in the loft, hoping it would make it go away. I went back down into my bedroom, and it sounds like all hell is breaking loose in the loft. The squirrel is obviously going apeshit about the stuff I’ve put over its nest, making all sorts of screeching and growling noises. Stupidly, I poke my head through the loft hatch, only to have an enraged rodent sink its teeth into the bridge of my nose (I still have the scar now).

Dripping blood and very pissed off, I declared war on the squirrel, and climbed up the outside of my house and cut a hole in the eaves of the roof, and returned to the loft with a large broom. With said broom, I proceeded to sweep the squirrel out of the hole in the roof, and watched it fall into the garden below. Feeling somewhat triumphant, I suddenly became aware of some squeaking noises from the pile of loft insulation. I pulled the insulation up, only to encounter four more of the fuckers, in miniature form this time. I decided that swift action was needed on this occasion, and clubbed them to death with a handy piece of timber that I found.

Looking back on it, I feel a little bit guilty killing those baby squirrels… They were the evil grey ones though, rather than the proper red ones.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 10:49, Reply)