Aggressive Apes?
Almost 20 years ago one saturday afternoon as I was emerging from deepest darkest Roker Park, I was set upon by a flock? a herd? I suppose the collective noun these days would be a chav of Makems.

If you aren't familiar with Mackems , they are a subspecies of ape, peculiar to the North East.

Not the most intelligent of animals, they make up for the lack of reasoning ability displayed by their distant relative the orangutan by being territorial and very aggressive, needing little or no provocation to attack. When about to attack, they make threatening grunting noises that can sound almost like human speech. Both males and females can reach quite impressive sizes in adulthood, some weighing in at over 300 pounds although it is usually the smaller, quicker and more agile young males that are the most dangerous.

About half a dozen of these nasty, smelly creatures gathered around me, grunting, approaching and jostling me and obviously trying to work up the courage to attack. I tried making placatory hand gestures in a vain attempt to calm them down but unfortunately this seemed only to provoke them more. I was pushed to the ground, pawed, scratched, kicked and punched and left semi-conscious, bleeding from cuts around my face and arms. Eventually they all drifted off, having lost interest in my prone form due to thankfully short attention spans.

Although the scars have faded, I have a constant reminder round my left eye-socket of how close I came to losing my sight in that eye.

Worst thing was, a couple of days later I had a date with an absolutely stunning friend of a friend, let’s call her Melissa, and I had to turn up in dark glasses, face covered in scabs and every movement agony because of the bruising.

To this day I hate Makems, they should be eradicated from the face of the earth.
(SpittyWoonerism, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:24, Reply)