Bastards the lot of them
When my brother was 4 he was attacked by a swan. Nothing unusual about this, except for the inhumanly high squeal he unleashed as he ran off. It was just one solid eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee noise at about 16000 Hz, and didn't stop until he reached the safety of our mother's arms. The hilarity of seeing a chubby 4 year old waddle past you at high speed, screaming, with a fixed look like he'd just had a nut ripped off cannot be measured by humankind.

When I was about 13 I was sat out the front of a pub with my dad and brother. We were enjoying Cokes, and our father was enjoying a lager. As he downed the last of his pint, a bird shat on him, seemingly from orbit since we couldn't see it anywhere. The shot hit his t shirt, shorts, and legs- the perfect splatter. He made such a fuss about it a bloke walking past asked if anything was wrong, to which my dad replied "Yes there's something bloody wrong- I've just bin shat on!!"

When I was 14 my bedroom was victim to an infestation of spiders of all sizes and colours. I hate spiders. I once chased someone a foot taller than me round with a hockey stick for trying to put one on me. Anyway, this infestation was coming under control thanks to liberal usage of insecticide spray, but there seemed to be one left- the daddy spider. It was the size of my palm, brown, with a hairy body and countable eyes. It took me 3 days to find him in the labyrinth of old crap in my room. On the first night he ran over my foot as I stood on my bed at 2am looking for him. I shrieked like a pansy, leapt into the air, and hit my head on the ceiling, denting it (the ceiling) quite badly. On the second night I stood on an upturned plug in pursuit of him. On the third and final night I got my revenge though; I paralyzed him on the end of my bed using a can of deoderant spray, then smushed him using a sheet of A4 paper and my open palm. Then threw it out of my bedroom window, never to be seen again. YUSS!

Incidentally, I have a gigantic cock- popcorn is available in 4 sizes thanks to me; small, medium, large, and my cock. No, really.
(youthink, Fri 3 Jun 2005, 3:49, Reply)