The Stick Of Kindness
Apologies for length - could probably post 4 times as much about this guy!

We were 13 or 14 I think - so not easliy scared - but we'd heard that our new English teacher had a bit of a temper. He was old even then, white haired and beady eyed, with an academic's stoop. At the start of our first lesson Mr Scott walked up and down between the desks without saying a word. Then he went to his desk at the front of the room, opened the drawer, and took out a bit of wood that I think had once been a chair leg. He stalked up and down again with it in his hand, still in total silence. A boy called James turned to whisper something to the kid next to him, and quick as a flash, and with all his might, Mr Scott smashed the chair leg down onto James' desk. Absolutely everyone jumped. "This", he said with a camp leer, "is the Stick Of Kindness. As everybody knows, sometimes you have to be cruel, to be kind".

Needless to say he was an excellent teacher. A few years later I was taking English A-Level, and also, for no reason other than it seemed like an easy A Grade, I was doing Latin too. Mr Scott was of course fluent in every dead language, and as soon as he found out that I was taking Latin, I was required to provide background detail on every classical reference in every book or poem we studied. This was done with great good humour and was obviously an attempt to provoke me into further reading. Worked, too: English, A, Latin, A.

The lesson I'll remember him for though he just went totally away from the lesson plan and asked me how the Latin was going (I think he was just bored of Seamus Heaney). He asked what I was studying, and I explained I was translating the Metamphoses by Ovid. I'd got quite a high mark from my Latin teacher for the translation I'd done, so I handed it over quite confidently. "No no, it's not like that at all. Your translation is far too literal. Ovid was a notorious pervert. Quite possibly f***ing the Emperor's daughter. Although who wasn't? Nasty slag..." He then picked up the Latin text and did the most filthy translation of it you can imagine (the bit where the guy is touching the statue before it comes to life). We all sat there staggered that such a figure of authority could emit such filth in the name of education. But but but, it really bought Ovid to life - put the life and excitement back into it. Again, probably inspired me to work hard enough for my A grades. He also introduced me to Catullus, who would have been on B3ta if he was alive today.

As I count off the years I figure he's most likely retired now. They don't make them like that any more. At one point he even made me change seats to sit next to the girl that I fancied. "Don't be shy, it's so bloody obvious"

Top top man, I hope I was a worthy adversary.
( expf, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 7:50, 4 replies)

Catullus?
Now there was a filthy pervert if ever there was.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 10:00, closed)

Pedicabo ego et irrumabo vos
The Latin version of "Yer maw".
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 18 Mar 2011, 11:16, closed)

I have a vague memory of what that means.
I'm sure as hell not googling the translation.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 18 Mar 2011, 15:46, closed)

Catullus was a fucking emo
if he was on facebook, his profile picture would be him and Lesbia, with a big heart between them.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Sat 19 Mar 2011, 21:57, closed)