Ikea are entirely to blame.
"Lets go to Ikea" my sister said last week. I had little choice in the matter so off we went.
I dont like shopping.
I HATE crowds.
I DESPISE Ikea.

Things got off to a bad start. It was a sweltering day (30+degrees) and I missed the correct exit on the motorway. This meant I had to continue through tool booths and carry on till the next exit before I could turn round, pay the tolls again and return. Except there was no exit coming from that direction so we had to go to the next one, where we got horrifically lost in a massive inudstrial estate. Sweltering heat, a huffing sister, lost, lost and even more lost, My normally unflappable self was getting a tad stressed.
Got to the shop and it was the usual Hell in Blue and Yellow. Rammed to capacity, with air conditioning not really coping. Screaming kids, arguing couples...the works. The shop layout seems designed to aggrivate too....being dragged round the lighting displays where 200 jiggawatts of lighting raise the temperature further, then straight on to the scented candles and stuff where the sickly sweet smells make you want to hurl. I was not happy. Constant bonmbardment with questions like "will this match the decor in the kitchen?" "oooh, would Pauline like that for her lounge?" were irritating me more and more. Infact I was as stressed as I have been for a long time.
We went for lunch. The queue was huge, the seating was rammed, more screaming kids.... I picked at my metballs and jam while the kids nearby ran around and around the tables.

Something happened in my nose.

Stress? high blood pressure? Stigmata in the wrong place? I dont know, but "nosebleed" is not an accurate description.
It started with me suddenly thinking "oooh, runny nose" and doing the sly wipe with the index finger, only to find it tinted red. ah. Then it started pouring. then pouring some more.
The napkins were saturated in seconds.
All this time my sister is talking to me as if nothing is wrong, but others seated nearby were starting to notice. The flow increased and the blood also started going down the back of my throat. I was coughing and spluttering and it was going everywhere. I dumped out my drink and held the paper cup under my nose to catch the blood which was pouring out at a frankly frightening rate. People were pointing and commenting, and I was feeling a bit dizzy. My plate was covered in splodges of blood and there were splatters down my t-shirt. I got up and staggered to the bogs. In a cubicle, I tipped the now almost-full cup down the pan and stood there with my arms out, leaning over the pan. The blood was still pouring out my nose and going down my throat too, so every now and then I had to spit a gobfull of blood out, between coughing and spluttering.
I tried ramming toilet paper up my nose to stop the bleeding, but it just kindof backfilled and starting gushing down my throat, making me gag. eventually it slowed to a stop. I blew my nose and out came a massive, very dark red splodge of something unspeakable.
I flushed and turned to leave the cubicle, but had to do the Very Fast Sit Down Before I Fall trick, I was so light-headed. After a few minutes to recover, I cleand up as best I could and made my way shakilly back to the canteen. I told her to carry on alone if she wanted, I was going to sit in the car, which I did.

Thing is....my nose just hasnt felt right since. I get a lot more boogers than I used to, and the insides of my nostrils are sore. I cant help picking them at night, and now wake three or four times a night, and have to have a manical picking session to sort out the tickling, itching pain, which I just cant stop doing. Should go see a doc I suppose, but I havent been to a doc (aside from a couple of trips to casualty years back for minor accidents) for at least 12 years. I just know they will tell me I have something like face-ebola and need to have my head amputated, so Im not willing to run the risk.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 19:02, 4 replies)

Was it
Ikea in Thurrock by any chance? Bad juju in that place. I wouldn't be surprised if you've contracted swedish nasal parasites or something. I would recommend the doctor, or failing that, the witch-doctor.
(jabboy, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 19:06, closed)

How long ago was this?
because my medical dictionary here says you have 6 months to go from the date of the incident.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 19:32, closed)

booksI
I dont have a medical dictionary for exactly this reason. The one I read once had a six month life-span for pretty much anything you looked up.
Hangnail? "may cause necrosis of the flesh, leading to death within 6 months" etc. A tad pessemistic for my liking.


And no, it wasnt Thurrock, it was Toulouse. Close though ;)
(dave likes cheese, Thu 7 Aug 2008, 19:50, closed)

Go to the doctors!
I hadn't been in 9 years but I got bit on my foot and then it turned purple so I had to go. But the doctor was very nice and gave me some antibiotics. Which I had to pay for because I'm stupid and have a job unlike the people spunging off the welfare system who get them for free *breathe breathe*

But yeah if I hadn't gone then it would have got very bad very quickly :( (acute cellulitis for anyone who cares)
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 15:57, closed)