streetlight ambush
as many of you may already have guessed, i'm something of a clumsy shit. i've lost blood through many silly things, such as falling over whilst holding a bottle of wine(6 stitches), sliding down a back garden wall, falling off bin sheds and getting shagpile wrapped around my rollerboot wheels.

this is something a bit different.

out with a friend one evening, we decided to go to the fancy new restaurant on the waterfront. we pulled up and parked in the black car park in front of the restaurant and went inside. the maitre d' informed us that, despite the fact that the place was half empty, we had no reservations and therefore could not eat there. not wanting to argue with the arrogant fucksock, we decided to leave.

now, i was quite a bit larger back then than i am now. so large, in fact, that the car's seat belts didn't fit me. unfortunately for me, in the black car park, we hit an unlit black lamppost.
well, i say we, the car hit the post, i hit the windscreen. i fell back into my seat, clutching my head as my vision blurred.
"are you alright?" my friend asked. "i think i've cut my head" i answered.
"let me see," he says, so i did. blood gushed from between my fingers and he turned white. in the time it took him to reach over to the back seat and grab a cloth, my lovely white blouse was turned red with blood. i didn't know it at the time, but i'd severed a minor artery in my forehead. the blood was pouring down my face so fast that i was spitting it, still warm, out of my mouth.
reclining my seat back as far as it would go, my friend managed to get the seatbelt round me, before he raced me off to the hospital.

when we arrived, less that 10 minutes later, i'd already lost over a pint of blood and my clothes and the car's upholstery were beyond salvage. fortunately, due to my blood loss, i was seen by a doctor immediately. he was very nice and, when he asked "how's your head?" i couldn't resist replying "well, i've had no complaints so far!"

i got 5 stitches and was told i was lucky not to get thrown out of casualty for being rude!

altogether, it was a funny night.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 2:15, 2 replies)

wah hey!
nothing beats keeping a sense of humour in dire straits.
( lordsaccharine b3taing is well retro mate, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 9:23, closed)

indeed.
he asked me if i'd ever had a stroke. i said no, but if you're offering...
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 16:38, closed)