I hate my nose
It's been broken a couple of times, or rather broken once when I was a teenager and rebroken at the same spot a couple of times at the same spot.

The original beak-bending occurred when I was kicked in the face by a close personal friend in a minor dispute over the custody of a fourpack of McEwans Export.

I have also managed to modify my (at the time) youthful visage by getting out of bed, specifically a double bed set against a wall, in such a way that the wall-sider couldn't get out if the edge-sider was being a funny git.

She was, so I stood up on the boingy shagged out mattress, and with the grace and agility of a mountain goat caught my foot in the duvet and toppled face first over the recumbent laydee and smacked nose-first onto the floor.

*Crunch*

I could do tricks with it for a while after that, including really good crackly gristly noises that put people off their feed.

Anyhoo, I didn't really bother much about it for years, but I had a spate of nosebleeds for a couple of weeks, and was getting fed up of driving at speed with my head tilted back so the claret went down my throat and not my shirt as I was on a deserted road with no tissues available.

Plus driving up the A483 with a wad of Kleenex the size of Barrymore's Buttplug sticking out of my snotter was a sight that was distracting other road users, and may in fact be illegal under an obscure bit of the Road Traffic Act.

So, I hie me to the scab-lifter, who takes the blood pressure (yep, still got some), shoves a torch the size and power of a Nite-Sun up there (I swear if anyone had been standing behind me they'd have had an X-Ray view of what I laughingly call a brain while smelling my nose-hairs crisp and smoke into ash), and sez that he can see a busted blood vessel.

Well thank you Doctor Frigging Kildare, I'd worked that one out too. Referred to the Department of Lugs, Snotters and Pipes.

(Wavy Lines) (Look, it's the NHS)

Smiley Korean man can't see anything. Gives out a tube of stuff to stick up nose.

(Wavy Lines)

Back again. Smiley Korean man can see something. Like a diminutive Dalek in a fetching bow tie, he starts jabbering "Cauterise! Cauterise!" to his student who was staring with great interest up one's snout.

Your hero at this point is pinned to the chair with one nostril stretched to the size of a grapefruit, with torches, pointy things, other things that disturbingly recalled the thingmies they used to hoick the brains out of Pharoahs with during mummification all rammed up the poor tortured appendage. Did I mention the camera with the bendy probe thing that he shoved up there and into the sinuses? Did I mention that he fed about six feet of cable into my nose? How many people have nosebleeds originating in their buttocks, anyway?

Ahem.

I don't recommend cauterisation as a hobby.

What I really don't recommend is being left with a clot the size and hardness of Ayers Rock up there, acting as a snot-sieve, and being told under no circumstances to blow my nose for 4 days. Sorry folks, that is just not humanly possible.

I still get nosebleeds.*












*Especially when my angelic 19 month old 'Pits the Heid' onto Daddy like a drunken Hibs fan on a Saturday night.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sun 10 Aug 2008, 17:14, 3 replies)

I'n not laughing at you
I'm laughing with you. Okay, I lied, I'm laughing at you.

Wishing I could multi click - for the following:

custody of a 6 pack of McEwans Export
Barymore's Buttplug
Department of Lugs Snotters & Pipes

and finally

A drunken Hibs fan on a Saturday night ....


Well told, that man

*doffs tartan tammy*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 10 Aug 2008, 19:02, closed)

Don't Worry
I'm as tartan as the next Embra Exile. Pint at the Diggers anyone?
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sun 10 Aug 2008, 23:07, closed)

*Click*
for brightening up a grey Monday morning - brilliantly told - fabulously original terminology!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 11 Aug 2008, 9:16, closed)