Only time I ever pulled in a pub. Never again
While working on contract up in the Manchester-style area I went out with my landlord to a local pub that had a late licence. Being separated and not ahving had any girlie action for a few months I was interested in seeing what I could get. In a queue outside waiting to get into said venue we got talking to a woman of about 5 years less age than me, dressed quite sexy and revealing and obviously in the mood for fun. We went in, we went out, she fancied a club in another town, I paid for taxi to get there. We got there, went in,(I paid) no-one there she wanted to see (later on I figured she was trying to display me to an ex) so back to the home town (I paidf for taxi). Went in to the same venue (I paid), had some drinks (I paid) then back to mine for sex...oops, too drunk to fuck. The next morning I gave it my best and then she said we should go back to hers for lunch. Only...via her mums to pick up her two kids.

Aw shit.

But never mind, let's see what the kiddos are like. Oh dear, mum was a chav nightmare and was flirting with me despite having a face like an african sun-baked river bed, terrible blonde bleach perm and shell suit (think Tasha Slappa's mum from Viz). Kids... thick and undereducated. The younger one was about 3 and was pleasant enough, if unable to use words, the the older one was 5 and could only refer to me as 'Man'. Like, if he wanted a biscuit, he'd ask me 'Man? Bikk?'

She was stretch-marked to hell but I'm a sensitive person on those matters and didn't complain. She kept leading me up to the bedroom for sex but never seemed to enjoy it, and would not let me go down on her (which is a downside for my tastes, let me tell you. I like a slurp. Ahem.)

Over a few days it's obvious she's a bit loopy, claiming to be stalked by someone else who then texts my phone with threats. All the time she tries to shag me and claims to be safely on the pill so no blobs needed.

I finish my contract and rather than hang about, tell her after 2 weeks that I'm leaving the county. So long, good luck etc.

'Ah... I've been meaning to tell you. I think I may be pregnant'

Bad luck. Who's the father?

You are.

AFTER 2 WEEKS? get real, woman.

It's true. I've been to the doctors. It's true.

And I repeat, 'After Two Weeks??'

How the hell can they tell? (knowing the truth that they can't)

'I've had a scan'

And I repeat- 'Two Weeks??'

'It's twins'.

Okay.

I leave the county leaving a trail of abusive phone calls and constant 'I love you' texts. Eventually I let my pay-as-you-go phone run for 3 months without a credit top-up and my phone number is disconnected (this is the year 2000 by the way).

I always preferred to get to know a girl before asking her out, and the one time I didn't, this happene3d. Turns out I had the right idea all along.

"Two weeks?????"
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 19 Nov 2006, 23:21, Reply)