Complete nutcase... funnily enough
Ok, this happened many a years ago when I used to be an 'Internet pimp' (as my friend put it) and meet up with girls and have my wicked way with them. Alarm bells a' ringin' already oh yes.

Anyway, I was in my 2nd year of uni and quite happily enjoying it, when I somehow get talking to this girl who will shall call D online. D was ok, nowt special, was easy enough to talk to, but I wasnt that interested.

Over a course of a few days though, D suddenly changed from run-of-the-mill to sex freak, telling me all the things she fantasised about, what she'd like to do to me, if I preferred shaved or un-shaved, etc. etc. Now, being a single, geeky male, I jumped at the chance at this believing it would be a nice easy excuse for a shag. I ignored the fact that she flatline refused to tell me her surname or anything more than that, but she did give me her mobile number insisting that I call but she would never answer.

Eventually, we meet up outside Claire's Accessories of all places,which she then tells me she frequently shoplifts from, and get the bus back to mine. The Evil Dead is put on the dvd player (being romantic) and within about 30minutes my hand is down her knickers and having a good ol' explore.

This then leads to my bedroom and all manner of clothing is on the floor and foreplay fun. Its at this point she tells me she doesnt want to have sex with me (bugger) and wants to wait (shit). Not being too happy, but thinking I can get some oral, I persevere. After a while, the oral finally happens, and I have never had worse- she INSISTED on using her teeth no end despite me saying otherwise and then said, and I quote,

"I should be really good- I've blown over 40blokes... one even paid me £60".

Erm... ok. I'm too taken back to say anything and ask her to stop and just use some hand action instead. Looking back, I should have shown her the door, but this is when all of a sudden she stops everything and starts undressing, and this is when the alarm bells ring enough for the whole street to hear.

Across one leg she's carved, and I mean carved in 72point, the word FAT and UGLY across the other. All over her arms and chest there are purple molehills which I assume is infected skin from the glass she then told me she cuts herself with.

Before I can say anything, she's bent over in front of me proclaiming that I am indeed going to get some sex.

MF666: Erm... you were right, lets wait.
D: But I really want you!
MF666: Well, how about we wait for a while, make it more intimate that way.
D: Please, I want you!
MF666: Look, I cant I'm impotent!

I'm not impotent, but its the first thing that popped up in my head. She didnt mind and said that we could work on it, and wait until I overcame my apparent problem.

I'm stuck with her 'till the next day so I order pizza, put on dvd's, just anything so I dont have to go near her. Next day she decides that she wants to borrow my shirt to be close to me until she see's me again. She decides to pick out my favourite Iron Maiden shirt that I got at my very first gig. She wouldnt let me have it back, or exchange it for some bootleg shit, she had to have that one.

So anyway, I go up to see another Inet girl up north, and end up in bed with her too. This one is completely clean, much better looking, way more interesting and a 1000 times better than D.

So I decide to tell D that I dont want to know her at all, as I have a much better option now. I cant do that over the 'phone as I know I would never see said Maiden shirt again. Cue her coming round.

D: I love you.
MF666: Erm... I think we should have a break (and quickly hides the Maiden shirt).
D: What??? Why???
MF666: Last weekend freaked me out.
D: I love you.
MF666: That may be so, but well, I only want it to be for a while, 3wks or so.
D: NO!
MF666: Look, I saw someone else last weekend and I want to make a go of it with her.
D: Why?? Why must you do this to me? Why does this always happen?

Cue EIGHT SOLID HOURS of tears, screaming, and pleading, that apparently could be heard three streets down.

D: Give me some drugs. I need drugs.
MF666: What? No!
D: Please... or a knife.
MF666: What?
D: I need a knife to cut the pain away.

Shit fuck shit. I run downstairs and ask my housemate to hide all sharp objects in the house in case she either stabs herself or me. I then decide to lie through my teeth and say I'll stop seeing up north girl and 'get back' with D.

Crying stops that second and everythings cool. She falls asleep and I nip downstairs and fall asleep on the couch. I wake up in the morning and go to check on her.

D: You were lying werent you.
MF666: (for some reason)... Yes, I was.

Cue the crying again, right up to when I saw her off at the bus stop at her request.

So a weekend of utter hellish drama for a Maiden shirt which doesnt fit me now as I'm a bit lardier these days. Turns out my housemate did hide all the knives (cheers Mr. Carl Balshaw!!!), and I got together with up north girl, who then dumped me several times. I now live with a bloke with a beard and a Serbian. Hooray!

Sorry about the length! Actually, I'm not. Put that in yer pipe and smoke it!
(metalfeast666, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 21:15, Reply)