One which had an unexpected effect on my life...
Here in stodgy old Richmond, we don't have bars- we have to have restaurants that serve food as well as booze, thanks to the ultra-conservative types who write the laws for the State of Virginia. However, there are some very bar-like places here and there.

One such place was a fake British pub called the Fox and Hounds. In truth it was really pretty crap- but they did have pool tables and I could get a half and half there without having to explain what that meant.

One evening Richard and I were having a pint in their "library", a room with booths along one wall opposite a gas fireplace and a load of books on shelves. Out of curiosity I got up and went to inspect the books and found them to be mostly Reader's Digest volumes and the like- things that no one would normally bother with, that the owner had gotten cheaply somewhere for decoration. Just for fun I grabbed a book with a battered red cover and brought it back to the table.

The book was "Home On The Moon", written by Betty Blocklinger.

I opened it at random and scanned a page, then stopped in shock. I read a passage aloud to Richard. "The storm and the lamb stew will be served together, Jen, so we'll be spared a dissertation on the contributing cause of decaying molars."

Richard choked on his beer, so I passed him the book. He flipped to a page and read, "'But I can't gush!' cried Jennifer. 'Besides, look at me.' 'Southern glamour gals live in cotton,' Maida encouraged her, 'and for Jack you can gush.'"

My turn. "'Mind if I poke and pry, Jenny?' He poked and pried and ejaculated. 'Baked apples! What a wonderful idea, all candied in their own syrup!'"

I ended up making arrangements with the owner to take that book home, where it has a special place on my shelf.

How did it change my life, you ask?

It inspired me. If such utter twaddle like that can get published, then maybe I have a fighting chance myself.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 16 May 2008, 16:22, 4 replies)

I'm so glad you mentioned the 'utter twadle' part. What a relief.
I was starting to think that either I missed a deeper meaning or I have been so long without sex that I no longer know the euphamisms.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 16 May 2008, 22:41, closed)

It is certainly
one of the worst written pieces of crap I've ever encountered. When I took it home I decided I really ought to be fair and actually read it rather than laughing at individual passages in it, and went through the entire book.

It was even worse than it appeared.

THis is now one of my treasured possessions, to tie back into last week's QOTW, but if the house were blazing I would be quite cheerful thinking that it had become a burnt offering to whatever gods inspired it, because it would be a fitting revenge for them foisting it off on the world.

But, as I said, if she could get that shit published, I should have no trouble at all.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 17 May 2008, 12:58, closed)

What is a half and half?
I would like to know.
(Stevie Ruggling, Sat 17 May 2008, 14:21, closed)

Half and half
is half Harp and half Guinness stout.

A Black and Tan is half Bass and half Guinness stout. Apparently it was named after the British military uniforms.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 18 May 2008, 3:50, closed)