Pearoast ahoy!
Many years ago...
...and a young MattInAHat had embarked on the great adventure of living in sin with the artist formerly known as Mrs Hat. Unfortunately living with She of the Spectacular Norkage was not the filthy, sordid fuck fest that I had previously envisaged and pretty soon we had gone from liberally exchanging bodily fluids at every given opportunity to the kind of sexless existence usually found on the problem page of the Mail on Sunday.

As another evening was being endured watching shite on a fuzzy portable television, my beloved's sweet voice drifted through the icy atmosphere.

"I'm out of fags. Nip round the shop and get me some"

"Of course my sweet" I replied.
"nothing would give me greater pleasure than to hasten to tobacconist in the pissing down rain and get you 10 Lambert and fucking Butler" I didn't add

So collar turned up and head down against the rain I made my way to the shop and duly purchased the requested tobacco product, all the time hoping that this selfless act would result in my getting a shag. Or a quick hand shandy. Even a quick grope wouldn't have gone amiss.

As I stepped out of the shop I looked up to watch the rain coming down, and as I did so, my vision was drawn to a window. A window with the curtains open. A window with the curtains open and the light on. And the resident of the room, (The young, blonde resident of the room) lit up like a Las Vegas magic show was seemingly getting ready to go out.

I started walking so as not to be too obvious a pervert, gaze locked on the young lady slipping out of her blouse.

"Go on!" my sex starved brain screamed at her.
"Show me your tits!"

And she somehow heard.

Her hands reached round to her back and fumbled with the clasp of her bra, TheMattInThePants suddenly waking up and remembering what he's been missing.

The bra went slack as the object of my ogleing succeeded in freeing herself from her clothing....


At the exact same moment the the side of my face came into rather abrupt halt against the previously unnoticed lamp post thoughtfully left in my path and leaving me with a rather fetching bruise.


"What the fuck happened to you?" asked my beloved upon my return.

"I was watching some bird getting changed and I walked into a lamppost"

"Well you deserve it you fucking twat"


I didn't have sex that night
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Thu 6 May 2010, 16:16, Reply)