The Sexy Heather Voice.
I am a male. Just thought I'd clear that up right away. I have this bizarro medical condition that has all sorts of interesting symptoms that pop up here and there. One thing that has degenerated a great deal the last year or so is my power of speech, in that for most of the day I can't really talk at all. Anyway, recently I got an iPhone app that is like Stephen Hawking's voice machine only it's on an iPhone and not some wheelchair-mounted mainframe, and it's exceedingly good.

There are lots of icons and categories and so on, and of course you can type stuff straight in. Yes, it speaks swears very well. My fingers aren't so nimble anymore either, so if I know I'm going to visit, say, the doctor's soon, I'll type in a bunch of sentences I know I'll use, starting with "Hi, Doctor Stephanie." And so on.

The app was made by some Dutchy fellows, and uses proprietary voices. There's a USA suite and a UK suite. Sorry, the UK ones just sound rude and peremptory to my Australian ear, and there really is nothing more likely to get on your tits than being an anally retentive, passive-aggressive Englishman by proxy. Tits, yes. We're getting there. So there are children's voices in the US suite, and this will be good for a laugh the next time I'm pulled over by Plod wanting a random breath test and so on. Each voice has a name. Ryan is the 'mid-east coast generic American male'. He's a dick, sort of half wise-guy and half boring college professor. And then, well, there's Heather.

If I was speaking to her on the phone (if I could still do that, that is) I would *so* be wondering what she looked like. Probably also what she might be wearing. And what order she might slowly remove.....anyway, it's a very, very sexy voice. It's the one I mostly use, because of the disarmament factor - people are delightfully thrown off cue by me speaking through my iPhone as a sultry Merkin lady. I deliberately left Heather as the default voice for my appointment with Doctor Stephanie recently, where the second thing I had programmed in to say was

"I have a lump in my left breast"

True, my left nipple and some surrounding flesh had been a little tender for some weeks, but suddenly flared up into a raised arc and got a bit red. I am 6 foot and only 53-odd kilos, so I noticed. As I said, I get weird symptoms, but I also know we fellas can get breast cancer, so I thought it time to get checked. Antibiotics for suspected mastitis, and an ultrasound arranged, just in case. Ultrasound showed nothing more interesting than some normal-looking, wel, breast tissue.

Yes, I am the proud new owner of one baby little breast. A side-effect of one of my medications has given me (and Heather, by extension) the beginnings of a secret bit of girly anatomy. And I fucking love it. Gynecomastia they call it, technically. Some of you very beery men may have it from the oestrogenic effect of hops. Not jumping on one leg, tools, hops is the herb that gives your tasty lager its flavour.

Seriously though, there is some ineffable sense of being closer to my 'feminine side' (or call it what you will) and far from it being yet another weird-arse thing to go wrong with my body I find it sweetly charming, like a little gift. Even if it does hurt a bit.

Ladies, was it a bit sore when you grew your first budding beauties?
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Fri 7 May 2010, 14:26, 3 replies)

click
a lovely story and best of luck to you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 7 May 2010, 14:36, closed)

The beer thing
is hype apparently, unless you can something like drink 100 pints in one sitting, which is a tall order even for you Australians I reckon. Soy beans are an entirely different matter...
Also I am jealous at your ownership of your own personal boob lol.
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Fri 7 May 2010, 15:02, closed)

Ouchy
Yes! When going through puberty and growing breasts they are very very tender. Not so much painful, like a headache pain, but more sensitive to bumps and knocks. The same happens just before a period, and very much so in early pregnancy!
I've been pregnant twice, one surviving child :( , and both times I knew straight away as my boobs were agony!
Hoping for the same signal any time now.......
( user_names_suck, Sat 8 May 2010, 20:08, closed)