First Contact with U.F.O.s
Tits are like the giftshop at the northernmost entrance to Disneyland: A nice distraction for a few minutes but ultimately you get a bit bored and want to venture south and spend a few minutes screaming and swearing while trying not to shit yourself as you ride the adrenaline-fuled main attraction.

Sort of a pit stop on the way to Beaverville.

Anyway, here’s the story of my first ever encounter with these UFO’s (Unobtainable Fleshy Orbs) of tit-tacular wonderment...

Being in your early teens prior the invention of the internet was fucking tough. The closest you got to any kind of porn was getting your grubby mits on a copy of The Sun so you could scrutinize the bird on Page 3. And the closest I ever got in actual real life to seeing a pair of knockers was when Darren Jones’ big sister pulled my mate Trev and I to one side while we were twatting about on her brother’s Atari ST with the sultry words: “If you boys come up stairs I’ll show you a spectacular pair of tits...” and just left the words hanging in the air. Trev and I, realising Darren’s big sister was a bit on the easy side (more people had spent days in her bush than the big fucking leafy fucker they’ve got in Australia), so we scampered up stairs like a dog with two dicks.

Darren’s sister directed us to the bathroom. We drooled our way in waiting for dear ol’ big sis to follow. And she did. And she pointed at Trev and mine’s reflection in the big bathroom cabinet mirror and, cackling, said: “There’s the biggest pair of tit’s I’ve seen in a long long while,” before she fucked off, her jubblies well and truly hidden beneath the furry folds of her big pink angora sweater, never to see the light of day in our prescence.

And then, a few months later, came Amy...

She was the one. That special one. My first proper girlfriend. The first pair of tits I’d seen in my life which didn’t cause the newspaper print to come off on my tongue when I licked them. We’d just watched Space Camp on pirate video and – feeling a little frisky – disappeared upstairs to her bedroom. A bit of inexperienced kissing, fighting our way through her collection of cuddly animals who looked at me accusingly as I tried to mauvere my hand into their owners knickers, and we were on the bed. Petting. Heavily.

Then Amy said those three little words, those three little words which mean so much more than I love you to your average teenage boy. Amy said, motioning down to her budding chest: “Wanna see um?”

I said: “That would be absolutely great, if you don’t mind?” Or words to that effect. And then Amy slipped off her t-shirt, shrugged off her bra, and there... they... were...

... Two of um.

It was a pretty damn spiritual moment. And then Amy said: “Wanna touch um?”

Trembling, I reached out my hand and laied my sweaty palm on her small, bubble-gum pink nippled swelling and... just sort of kept it there for a few minutes, staring, quietly drooling. Then, realising the atmosphere was getting a little weird, I decided I had to put some moves on. I couldn’t just sit here with my hand on Amy’s left tit. I had to do something with it.

So I did. I took her pointy little nip between thumb and forefinger and gave it a good tuning as if I was changing channels on an old fashioned radio.

“OWWW YOU CUNT!” SLLLLLAAAAAPPPPP!!!

And moments later I was out on the street. Ear ringing, not really knowing what I’d done wrong, nursing a lazy lob on I could’ve demolished houses with and making a note to myself: If you ever see a pair of those things again, don’t do what you just did cuz it might spoil the moment a bit.

But it was worth it. I’d finally seen a pair of tits. OK, I didn’t know what the fuck to actually do with them once I had them. But I’d seen them all the same. So not a bad afternoon at all. And Space Camp was an OK film too.

Breasts – they’re nice, but I can thing of something nicer.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 10 May 2010, 14:44, 3 replies)

I knew it was only a matter of time before you posted.

( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 10 May 2010, 15:40, closed)

How ungratefull,
Another girl would have loved that, rather than the dull old paw'n'prod.
(MissUnexpectedNuttering Mad to live, Mad to talk, and burn, burn, burn...., Mon 10 May 2010, 22:37, closed)