I met a young man from Essex in India
a few years ago. His name wasn't Wayne, but I'm going to call him that anyway.

"Nah, mate, nah, aw don't 'ave an accent," Wayne informed everyone present who wasn't from Essex, in all sincerity. "You goh' an accent, aw don't 'ave an accent."

On a train journey, Wayne returned from his inaugural visit to the toilet (essentially, a hole in the floor) and announced to the entire carriage that there was "piss all over the gary".

When asked to clarify what that meant, he conceded that he kept forgetting that we weren't all his mates from back home. "Gary", apparently, is rhyming slang: "Gary McGraw - floor". Despite nobody present knowing who the fuck Gary McGraw was supposed to be, or McGraw not rhyming with floor if you can speak properly. Perhaps he cleverly avoided saying "shitter" because he was trying to impress the cute Australian girl he subsequently failed to get off with.

Still, the best moment was when he returned to pick up his key at the hotel, pissed, and asked the receptionist - who spoke no English - for some agua:

"Alwight mate, can aw geh' a boh'le o' waw'ah?"

The receptionist returned a look of pure incomprehension.

"WAW'AH! WAW'AH!" Wayne exclaimed again, miming drinking. "BOH'LE O' WAW'AH!"
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Wed 30 Apr 2014, 23:52, 2 replies)

did it taste like wha' i' ough'a?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 1 May 2014, 8:55, closed)

Nope, it's Gary Glitter = shitter
he'd probably found a fat German in their to wee on him and hence had a rather pissy bumhole
( broadsword w⚓, Thu 1 May 2014, 10:15, closed)