Bet this never happened to Bond...
Picture the scene if you will, I'm a much younger Fuckarma, in fact, possibly more of a BuggerKarma. I've just come out of a 3 year relationship, am currently at uni and think that I can drink like a fish. Pretty much an average 19 year old really, however I'm also working for a local supermarket and sounds a bit like gamesburys and this place makes me work till 10PM on a saturday, not fun when you're 19 and there is a works do on!

So this one saturday I knock off work half an hour early for the do, I pitch up at the venue and decide that I need to catch up with everyone else so start having a beer with a vodka chaser. I'm not sure how many I had but I did get the calculation wrong and so instead of merely catching up with my co-workers I actually overtook them...

As the evening wears on we go to a club (the only club in Ellesmere Port at the time, Oscars!) and I carry on at my own set pace, getting drunker and drunker. As with all things a good thing must come to an end and the club closes, somehow I'm in the taxi queue with S, a middle aged (she told me she was 38 at the time, although I reckon she was older...) lady who is a bit on the large side, now I point out at this time that I'm drunk, 19 and horny so not exactly a great combination when trying to be a discerning male. So things take their course, I'm smooth and suave (in my head) and we end up getting a taxi back to hers where much nakedness ensues.

Now I'd love to be able to say that we had fantastic sex and that she taught me things that have been a massive help with any other girls that I've slept with since but that would be a total lie as I was far too plastered to be able to take any advice.

However, I did manage to leave a lasting impression as when she was riding on top of me (remember I'm pissed as a newt in brandy) I suddenly decided I needed to be ill, so did I do the right thing and politely ask her to dismount so I could perhaps use the facilities?

No

Did I shout for her to get off because I'm going to puke?

No

Did I say nothing then puke on myself and the bed?

Yes...

Not a fantastic idea although after I went to the toilet and cleaned myself up we did carry on so it wasn't a total loss!

Although my other experience with an older lady wasn't quite as disastrous as this and worked out quite well.

I was 26 and she was 36, tall, blonde and very fit. I somehow mange to chat her up in a bar after an all day session (the fact I'm still standing and able to talk coherently is amazing in itself) and we go back to hers for some sexy time. Sexy time is had and the question you should never ask is asked 'do you like it in the arse?' (yes I am that smooth)
to which she replies 'Only for birthdays and Christmas'

There's a couple of seconds silence while I process this information...

'Soooo... what if I said it was my birthday today?'

Didn't get me anywhere (funnily enough) but we did have more ST and she did give me a a lift home the next day so that was jolly nice of her!

Apologies for length but when you get to bed you may as well despite the disappointment...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Mon 8 Dec 2008, 10:47, Reply)