Virgin On The Ridiculous
Trying to cope with hangover as I write...

One of the half decent things about the broadband provided by Richard Branson-pickle features was that it didn't seem to have the butt-munching 'fair usage' policy that other 'unlimited' providers seemed to have.

My mate (Furious 'D' again, but I have got more friends than just him I promise you) was with BT but they cut him off becuase he kept exceeding their 'fair usage' download limit of 9 bytes a millenium. My brother uses Tiscali to add stuff to his p0rn collection - but they slow him down to a crawl and most evenings stop his connection entirely. Twat-tacklers.

Virgin, as I bragged to them all, was 'truly' unlimited...full speed, all the time, download constantly....'Fair usage?' - PAH! - I fling my toenail clippings at your fair usage! - I'm UNLIMITED!

unlimited?

UNLIMITED MY 'RIBBED-FOR-HER-PLEASURE' SHINY PINK BELL-END.

6pm on the dot...my BB speed now goes from 4MB per second to 4B a week....and there it stays until I get up in the morning and find that diddley squill has downloaded all night. What a great use of electricity. Then I go to work and it kicks in again.

I check their website (from work) and find out that for new customers, you get twice the broadband speed for half what I'm currently paying?

So I call them...deep breath...

Me: What the fucking fuckety McFuck fuck fucking hell are you fucking about with my fucking broadband for, fuckdish?

Token Cunt: 'A thousand apologies' (hopefully, from the atrocious verbal stereotyping I use you'll get the idea that I'm not talking to an englishman here)...what we are havings is a fair usage policy.

Me: A Whaaaaa???...ARRRRGGHHHHH! You utter bags of freshly squirted bum sausage! And why do I pay more than everybody else? In fact, that's it - THE FINAL SUCK-MONKEYING STRAW!! Shove your 'service' up your clay-hole cunt-biscuits!

TC: Ooh blinking flip mate...Let me be puttings you through to our sales department and they'll sort out a loyalty pack lickety-split...

Me: If only you knew how much I hated you all...

Different TC: Ah, Mr flake - how about 10MB Broadband, going up to 20MB this summer, all for what you're paying now?

Me: You're sure? I want proof, you spunk-sniffer

TC: The discount will show on your bill

Me: I don't believe you...any of you..I have your first names...give me your surnames...

TC: We're not allowed to. Company Policy.

Me: So I've got no comeback when it no doubt turns out that you've just been blowing smoke up my arse...AGAIN?

TC: Your upgrade will be activated by 6pm sir.

Me: You're all cunts (hang up)

I go home...6pm...and...........

10MB Broadband! - Get in there - yay, woohoo etc.

For 5 minutes...then fair usage policy kicks in and it slows down to fuckpot-all again.

Pfffft

Now I'm a trusting soul you all know, but the next day I ring them up again.

Me: I spoke to a couple of your cunt-cakes yesterday. They've slightly upped my Broadband and said I was getting a discount. Can you confirm this for me please?

TC: We have a record of the upgrade, but no record of a discount...




Mmmf


Me: YAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHH!...(sob) Fuck...(sniff) Oh fuck, fuck fuck...you've done it again...DO YOU WANT ME TO GO ON A KILLING SPREE? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FUCKERS???

THUD THUD THUD(Sound of my head hitting wall, phone, floor etc)


All I can say is thank my sweet ass I have a starview box which means I get all the TV channels for free.

Did I mention that they were cunts?

Oh, and so are the councils...(Phew, nearly went off topic then!)

Length? About 45 minutes on hold and 2.5 minutes of being treated like piss on a rope.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 2 Aug 2007, 12:30, Reply)