Wet, microwaved, bread.
All afficionados of wet, microwaved bread might like to note that, contrary to poular belief, the delicacy is not extinct on these shores, but is alive and well, like the oyster carefully enveloping such pearls as 'bacon cheese burger' or 'chicken fillet and bacon'.
Examples of this once commonplace quisine were believed to have been driven from our shores by the rise of the 'Gastropub' in the 1990s, although it was hoped that a pocket of resistance clung to life in a third rate factory staff canteen in the east midlands. For some time now though, the management of "The Britannia" in the cosmopolitan, forward-thinking Oxford suburb of Headington have been keeping a secret, and it's a very dark one.
Actually, it's a white secret, and, like that other albino rarity the white truffle, it's location, even it's existence has been hidden by a few sworn initiates. Until now.
Yes, for the first time in a decade, I can reveal to you that the "badly microwaved on a plate" burger is back in town. Indeed, it may never have been away.
So, for those of you unlucky enough not to have this culinary mecca as your local, what does the much sought-after WMB delicacy tase like? Nothing. Disappointingly, most of it had returned to it's pre-baked, doughy state, (and had adhered to the plate before continuting to cook,leaving rough scales of wheat paste on the crockery,) although some of the deeper layers of permafrost within the white fluffy 'bun' had only thawed sufficiently to allow the bread to dribble through my fingers when I picked the burger up.
Yes, the bread was bland, nay, tasteless, utterly devoid of susbstance and nutritional value and uninspiring. As a special treat, it appears that I had been recognised by the serving staff as the acclaimed critic of crap tucker that I am, and they had treated me to the wrong burger. Yes, I was presented with the chicken variety rather than the beef and cheese I had foolishly anticipated.
Yes, my work in Headington was done, gold had been struck, and I could go back to my humdrum existence with the memory of this day forever circled in silly gold marker in the mental calendar inside my brain... Indeed, I was so bowled over by the standards I'd encountered that it was several hours before I was calm enough to write any of this down.
The Britannia, London Road, Headington. Burgers about a fiver. Beer available to wash the clag away. Booking NOT advised.

I'm not sorry for length, girth or anything else. God MADE me do it!
(doctor sideburns, Tue 2 May 2006, 14:08, Reply)