School raffles
they really are full of utterly wanky prizes.

aged about 8 i was delighted when one of the raffle tickets from my school summer fete was a winner. what did i win? a jar of bloody (in both senses of the word) meat pate which i am pretty damn sure had reached its expiration date some time when the ancient egyptians' forefathers were alive. it actually had different layers of gunk all the way through it, with a pool of oil at the top. considering the mere sight of it made me feel queasy i asked the nice lady on the raffle stall if it was ok if i didn't keep my prize but she insisted if i didn't take it i would be breaking the law of england or somesuch and locked away.

anyway, i remember putting the pate down by a car's back tyre in the carpark and running away feeling a mixture of relief and guilt.

moving on a decade or so when i was at uni, i won a gnome from a pub, which wouldn't have been so bad except i was wankered and when i woke up the next day i had no recollection of the gnome-winning. i was greeted by the sight of a big grinning gnome holding a rake and being hungover i was rather confused. needless to say eventually the events of the night before came flooding back and i gave the gnome away as i didn't like it (its eyes followed me around the room making me paranoid).

more recently i won a fish pun competition which involved coming up with 'hilarious' fish-based band names. jamirokoi, shrimply red, gills aloud - just a few of the gems my mind conjured up. i won an osbournes dvd and nearly a year on it's still in its original wrapping. should flog it on ebay really...that's if anyone would buy it.
( The Helpful Bear, Thu 4 Aug 2005, 14:54, Reply)