Actually, I'm not a rent boy
(Sorry, bit of a long one this - please be patient with my pathetic attempt to build the appropriate tension.)
Further to my earlier post about being mistaken for a woman (/shameless self-publicity):
www.b3ta.com/questions/cringe/post314605

In a similar vein, the same friend and I had, the previous year, lived in separate halls of residence which were either side of Hyde Park. Mine was round the corner from a Wetherspoons, so, on Thursday evenings, we made a ritual of heading over there for a cheap curry and a few pints of ale. (We were undergraduates - nights out had to be cheap!)

So I would normally wait at the top of Hyde Park for my friend. Normally he'd be ten minutes late or so, and it wasn't unusual to see other people waiting there for their friends. You'd stand there and occasionally make small talk while you all waited; some were more conversational than others, and it was perfectly harmless.

So I didn't think anything was awry when one chap came over and said hello. He seemed to be making quite an effort to be conversational, though at the same time he seemed rather awkward about it. Turned out he was Portuguese, he was a nurse, working down at the hospital in Roehampton, etc., etc. Conversation seemed a bit involved, if rather stilted. Just to keep conversation flowing, I proferred,
"So - you're waiting for a friend then?"
"...yeah..."
It should have made me worry that he had um-ed and ah-ed over such a simple question, but to my then comparatively innocent mind I never thought that he was trying to be suggestive.

Then it started to rain. I had a small, fold-up umbrella, which I put up to keep myself dry. I didn't invite him, but nevertheless he got under there with me. That was when I realised things were perhaps a little suspicious. I gave him the benefit of the doubt - ok, it's raining, it is a one-person umbrella, but he is foreign. I'm sure they'd think nothing of this in Portugal.

And just as I thought I'd set my mind at rest, he put his arm around me. Oh god he's gay and he thinks I'm gay oh jesus tittyfucking christ I'm hanging around on my own in a park after dark does he think I'm a prostitute?

That splurge of thought manifested itself in a typically British display of diplomacy:
"There's really no need for that."

Evidently, he begged to differ. And started rubbing my back. In a tremendous display of self-restraint I managed not to scream, hold my hands over my arse and run, but just yelped
"Please, you're making me uncomfortable."

It would seem - thank fuck - that he got the message. There followed then 60 of the most awkward seconds of my life before my friend appeared through the winter darkness of the park. I have never been happier to see him.

Afterwards, I told my friend this story. His response?
"Yeah, I thought he was a friend of yours. I slowed down 'cause I didn't want to interrupt your conversation."
Well, that amid howls of laughter. I, on the other hand, was indignant and ashamed. Do I look like a prostitute?

Between this and being mistaken for female, I don't know which of the two incidents I find more worrying - on one hand, at least the guy who thought I was gay didn't think I had tits. On the other hand, I suspect he wanted to bum me.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 17:09, 2 replies)

No tits,
but it sounds like he wanted to use you like a woman.
( Moey, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 17:35, closed)

If ever there's a question
about the most British response to an awkward situation ever, this will win.

'There's really no need for that' indeed...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 21:55, closed)