I was 18 ish
and had just left school having failed miserably to get any A-levels. Of course my mother was not happy for me to laze around the house doing nothing, so I was told to get a job.

Due to my sparkling personality I landed a job in a window fabricating factory within the week. For several months I was happy with my lot, working 7-4 for just over a fiver an hour, cycling to work every day and eating fried steak and egg rolls from the grot truck down the road.

Eventually however I would realise the futility of my labours, my distinct lack of prospects (co-worker getting paid just 5p per hour more than me despite 6 whole years of service to the company) and the fact that I did not fit-in in any way with my colleagues as I was slightly middle class, played rugby (a sport for poofs apparently) and the fact that after the initial joyous shock of a full time wage, 225 per week before tax is bugger all.

Before this realisation crushed my spirit I was quite happy. I was a man, I paid my mum 50 quid a week and she no longer hassled me about anything. I had a missus who was dynamite in the sack and things were great.

One Friday night, while I was being a man, a man who could go where he wanted and afford drinks for himself and his lady-friend, said lady-friend and I was in a pub with another chum and his lady-friend. A few games of pool were had and the evening was going well. However something that I had ingested had decided it did not agree with me and I began to feel quite ill. We made our excuses and the bitch and I went home to bed, taking a bucket with me just in case.

The inevitable happened and at some point in the night I started chucking my guts up. I was really quite violently ill. The girlfriend patted my back and offered her sympathies but all she could do was sit back and watch me heave it all up.

That morning I felt quite a bit better and strolled down stairs for some dried toast.
"You ok?" my concerned mother asked.
"I was pretty sick last night, but I feel better now." I told her.
"Oh, that's what that was" She said.
"What?"
"I heard lots of noise coming from your bedroom, I just assumed you were having sex." She said, not batting an eyelid.

I cringe when I think about her standing outside my room, listening to me retch and thinking I'm a sexual deviant.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Fri 28 Nov 2008, 21:14, 5 replies)

fap fap fap fap fap fap fap

(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Fri 28 Nov 2008, 21:18, closed)

to be fair,
the "removing a heavy weight from your back" orgasm grunt sounds a little bit like heaving.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 21:26, closed)

hmmm
roman shower mr mcpenis?
(Lord Chode, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 21:34, closed)

I had to Wiki that
and all I have to say is... Eeeewwwwww!
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Sat 29 Nov 2008, 0:23, closed)

Seconded
Nasty. Very nasty.
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Mon 1 Dec 2008, 12:59, closed)