Occasional beatings...
So yes, I was a battered child. Ok, not so much battered, but certainly disciplined when required. Examples of behaviour that elicited a swift "clip round the ear hole", as it was deigned in our house, were things such as making my sister cry by hiding her dolls and eating her supplies of sweets, throwing tennis balls at the dog while he was poo'ing and causing distress, attempting to operate the chain saw (at age 11), throwing eggs at the neighbours cars, shooting a runner going past our house with an air rifle, letting off fireworks in the toilet and swimming pool and partially shaving the cat. All standard stuff for a young boy growing up with time on his hands and pre-internet, x-box and satellite tv.

I suppose in retrospect dad deserves a medal for maintaining such a straight face while denying actually having any children at all when the irate runner turned up at the door. I was in the other room listening, "no, it's just me here. It must have been the kids across the street". The patience he showed in waiting for me to come home for my deserved hiding after I cracked the toilet bowl by letting off a cracker was also commendable. However, in my defence it does look awfully cool if you drop a cracker into the toilet and it hits the water at just the right moment. It creates a little mini tsunami!

I could tell his heart wasn't in it when he gave me a hiding for attempting to shave the cat. To be honest he was only doing it for mum who loved that cat like a child. Which, to be fair was probably easier than loving me given some of my behaviour in my early years. But hey, the thought was there and that's what counts as they say.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 30 Nov 2010, 14:03, 1 reply)

Yeah
I remember letting off fireworks in our swimming pool. Like every day when we weren't away at boarding school or raping the servants.
(rampants, Wed 1 Dec 2010, 1:40, closed)