Murder by dairy : an epic repost

At the age of fifteen like most lads I was severely lacking in maturity, one of the infinite ways this manifested itself was school lunch eating competition.

the challenge: how few bites can you eat a cheese sandwich in? for weeks the record stood at two, held by me of course. When I was tied for first place I had to do one better (oh fuck off I'm a man I cant help it) and tried to finish a sandwich in one bite.

I slooooooowly pushed a whole sandwich into my mouth, pausing halfway through to allow my saliva to soak in. Mistaking this for failure a member of my audience shouted "he needs some encouragement!!" and punched me in the face forcing the entire sandwich into my mouth and a large slice of cheese into my windpipe.


"nnngh" I couldn't breathe. I ran to the toilets and threw up but it was no good, the offending lump was stuck fast. Are you ok my friends did ask , but i could only clutch my throat and make feeble wheezing sounds.

they ran for the most qualified medical professional available, a dinnerlady. She was apprehensive about going in the boys toilets "he'd better be really ill" i herd her though the door. At the same time my lungs were on fire and with every gasp i felt more and more lightheaded, with nothing left to lose i poked a finger down my throat and hoped for the best.

In my mind all i could think about was that I would die on the floor of the toilets a virgin in dirty pants The local news headlines "local teen dies in horrific sandwich accident"

"boy, 15 charged with manslaughter by dairy, consoled only by 1st place ranking in school eating contest"

"local man fails to heed warning about waring clean pants in case of death "

With one desperate heave I spat out the lethal cheddar chunk and collapsed. My mates burst in and found me lying on the floor surrounded by cheesy sick, whiter than Casper gasping for breath like 120 a day fag hound.

I survived.

the next day I came in with very finely grated cheese sandwiches and won the contest by taking the one bite record. Woo me.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:17, 4 replies)

Good man!
You got back on the finely grated horse. Click sir!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:25, closed)

You wouldn't have been the last...

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7545002.stm
( Moey, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 17:58, closed)

copy cat
This was in 2002
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 18:04, closed)

Length?
Or it didn't happen, or something like that anyway... *click*
(CoopertronicusMaximus looked at you a bit funny on, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 0:51, closed)