Beware chaps, the interweb is a dangerous place...
Recently I decided I have been single long enough to be desperate. I try a well-known and free personals site, start correspondence with a female who makes out she is happy-go-lucky, girly and quite intelligent.

When I go down to Torquay to meet her, it turns out she's ginger (I'd seen a photo that definitely looked blonde), curly haired, thick as pigshit and empty headed. Also - possibly worst - she says "snazzy gumdrops" to everything I say and is blatantly a chav-in-denial. Still, I pretend to myself I'm not shallow and pursue the afternoon, we play crazy golf (actually quite an amusing thing to do on a date; but during which she manages to twat herself with the putter - twice) and then go to find food and drinks. Later we drive somewhere quiet and commence kissing.

Except that she can't. I don't have the widest experience, but she kissed like a chicken pecking at the ground, whereas I've had many compliments for gentle, progressive lipaction. Much clashing of teeth later, I decide that I'd rather go home.

Still, I'm daft enough to volunteer for another 'date' the following Tuesday, in my home town this time. I meet her in the afternoon, we wander about the town a bit then after a few drinks we think we should find some food and she picks McDonalds. (Which is timely, because I was ten seconds away from saying "look, this is never going to work" and fucking off home).

After possibly the most unsatisying meal ever, during which she reasserts for the tenth time "I don't want to get into anything too quickly, I get tempted very easily", proves that she can’t cope with intelligent humour, and strokes my cock through my jeans, we go back to mine to "sit and chat" (her words). So we sit and chat for, oh, all of five minutes before she leans over and kisses me purposefully, groping cock in the process. I'm ashamed to admit at this point that I didn't say 'get off you crazy girl', but joined in the fun. Except that every two minutes (in pauses in pecking) she says "I really don't want to move too fast" before diving in with renewed vigour.

To cut an already long story short, we end up mostly-naked (and to be very shallow, she had great boobs), with her just wearing her pants. Which, frankly, are floral and not-very-nice, which is an excellent reason to try and remove them. Except that’s one step she won’t take. However she will, badly, undo my trousers and explore what’s inside and, when that’s to her satisfaction, pleasure herself (I repeat, I was asking to go down there but she wouldn’t let me) to a ‘finish’.

Blocked her on MSN, stopped replying to increasingly desperate text messages from her. Didn’t mean to be nasty but just couldn’t explain to her without hurting her feelings that she wasn’t really my type, and if she was going to get off in my bed I wanted to be responsible!!
( Gizmo.mp3 does not exist, Sat 23 Oct 2004, 0:46, Reply)