MIND THE GAP! STAND CLEAR OF THE DOORS PLEASE!
First time. Be gentle with me..

As a former soldier I've seen quite a few dead bodies and even caused one. Never really gave me any problems, but my favourite was a couple of years after I left the Army.

About six or seven years ago I was on the last 'vomit-comet' Central Line service out of London Liverpool St to Epping at around midnight on a Friday Night.

The train suddenly stopped on the over-ground section between Leyton and Theydon Bois and the driver announced over the tannoy:

"Would anyone with any medical experience at all, please make their way to the front of the train"

Being a bit boozed (And not a bit curious, mind) I figured that the pre-Northern Ireland Combat Medic's course that I'd taken in early 1992 qualified me for a butchers, so I strode manfully down to the front.

Two other people joined me, an off-duty copper who'd also had a few and a female neuro-surgeon from Barts. The driver opened the cabin and was as white as a sheet.

"I've just hit someone on the track"

We three newly assembled muskateers looked at each other with a look of shock and I'll be honest, I thought the bloke had made a mistake and that he'd probably hit a deer or something.

Anyway, he'd radioed through and after what seemed like an eternity, got a response back that the section of track had been de-electrified and that we could get out and have a look.

I was actually rather excited - To give London Underground their credit (for once), the driver had an emergency box that contained Hi-Vis jackets and torches and the like and we de-bussed and went walking down the track.

After about three hundred metres, the copper shone his torch on what looked like a slumped youth, so we ran over to see if he was OK.

He clearly wasn't. He was missing the left hand side of his torso, his left arm and his head. It was horrible. A real mess.

The copper, like myself, looked a bit green, so I turned to the neuro-surgeon and said without thinking "Hasn't left you and awful lot to work with, has it?" The copper grinned, but she just looked at me with utter contempt, as did the now vomiting tube driver.

Police found the rest of the body the following morning some 300m away down the sidings. Head, baseball cap, left arm, watch and hand still containing spray can.

At the post-mortem hearing a Snaresbrook Magistrates Court which I attended some six months later. it turned out he'd been 'Tagging' parked trains wearing headphones and didn't hear the tube that killed him.

The great thing was, that when I gave evidence I had to repeat the line in court in front of the victim's family...

The look of contempt was back.

Don't play on the railway, children and don't expect an ex-squaddie to have any sympathy for chav vandals.....

When I relayed the story to an army mate a few months later, the FIRST thing out of his mouth was "You didn't nick the watch, then?"

Length? About a quarter of a mile of de-activated track...
(Knackercracker, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 19:05, 2 replies)

God bless squaddies.
Always a decent crack when needed, its the gallows humour coming out. Legendary, Ross Kemp even referred to it in his Afghanistan programme. When a mate of ours lost his leg (stumbling about pissed near a busy road), we paid a visit to him- dressed as pirates, all with peg-legs and one leg tied up to look like a stump. He laughed his bollocks off.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 23:57, closed)

God bless them indeed.
One of my mates was on mine clearing duty in the Falklands after the war. His CO stepped on one in a supposedly cleared area and lost his leg. The lads collected it and put it in the freezer and when the chap was back on his foot they took a photo of him holding it (with a huge prideful grin) which was then sent back to his family. Gallows humour indeed.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 29 Feb 2008, 12:21, closed)