Not at all funny, but anyway...
I used to travel to 6th-form college everyday from a moderately large suburban railway station in London. As this was peak time I'd be treated to a steady string of suicide and attempted suicides on the tracks over the 2 years I was at college.

The one that particularly stood out for me was a cold February morning. I'd just bought myself a large tea from the coffee shop and had sat down on one of the freezing cold metal seats with the cigar-shaped holes in a criss-cross pattern on it. I opened up my copy of Metro and began reading the day's events, complete with spelling errors.

It was after about 3 or 4 minutes that I heard the immortal phrase...
"Stand well away from the edge of Platform 3. The approaching train is not scheduled to stop at this station"

...As the train thundered past I heard a huge *BANG* and the train screeched to a halt. "Oh God," I thought, "Not another."
I heard a few people screaming. By the time the train had stopped it had mostly cleared the station platform, leaving behind the remains of the poor girl who'd decided to end it all.

The bit that stuck in my mind? Her detached, gore-covered arm was stuck to the live rail, frantically juddering as the current surged through it. It's a sight I'll never forget.
(The Oscillating Gibbon is eating curried squid, Fri 29 Feb 2008, 8:49, Reply)