food diaries
Many years ago I used to go to a slimming club and the Marjery Dawes lady used to make us fill in "food diaries" of what we had eaten that week (so she could haul us over the coals for that sneaky extra packet of hobnobs).

Anyhoo at the time there was a girl I used to work with who would regularly demolish a large chip butty* for lunch washed down with 2litres of tizer, then for pudding (and this was my favourite bit) would have a weightwatchers individual strawberry cheesecake with all the strawberries scraped off ("I don't eat fruit, do I" )and would constantly snuffle through her well-stocked desk drawers for chocolatey treats for the rest of the afternoon. She was huge and she honestly didn't care.

So instead of filling in my food diary properly, which was boring, I would imagine it was hers and fill it accordingly:

Monday: Breakfast, half a grapefruit. Lunch, teaspoonful of cottage cheese. Dinner, two tubes of pringles, four cans of lager, a whole roast chicken, 16 roast potatoes, three Sara Lee double chocolate gateaux and a tin of Cadbury's Roses**. Supper, kebab on the way home from the pub after 8 pints.

Marjery wasn't very bright so didn't realise it was made up, and used to say things like "happylittletulip's done ever so well this week, three pounds off and god knows how"

all very amusing.

*recipe for which was:
1. put standard slice of cheap white bread onto dinner plate.
2.heap greasy chipshop chips onto bread until plate is covered and chips are piled high enough to obscure person who is eating them.
3. put second slice of cheap white bread onto teetering mound of chips.
4. scoff in front of astounded and slightly revolted colleagues.
** sort of a bit like the Very Hungry Caterpillar only less endearing
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Tue 6 Feb 2007, 14:16, Reply)