What a waster, What a fucking waster
My story begins in the crazy days of 1990 when I was only eight, the good old days when I could piss the bed freely, didn’t have the complications of intimate female company to tend with and money was never an issue. Anyway, I remember it was Christmas day and my parents had bought me the biggest top loading Video player you have ever seen. This huge thing must have drained the national grid every time I turned it on, it also got dangerously hot very quickly and made satanic noises that you only hear in David Lynch films.

To go with this electrical monstrosity various family member bought me a bounty of videos. The usual shit of the day prevailed, Disney, Star Wars etc... But my uncle Jim (Dad’s younger and more interesting sibling) bought me JAWS, my parents thought it might be too gory and frightening looks of disgust were past across the room to Jim. After some heavy and persistent negotiations (Screaming) from a young and budding Kofi Annan a deal was stuck and I persuaded them this was a film of clarity and worthiness and not the mindless gorfest they believed it to be.

I fucking loved it, especially the gore, and watched that bastard tape till I ruined it and had to buy another. From these feted moments on my mind, body and soul i was hooked on sharks. I read every fucking book I could get my hands on, from ladybird books to the academic mumbo jumbo they read for zoology PhD’s, I read the lot and was fast becoming a font of knowledge far beyond my years. I even had the local library get books in from abroad so I could indulge in my little shark fetish. My biology teacher was so impressed with my constant shark babbling they had some university lecturer come talk to my parents at parents evening about my shark interest and I was only 12 at the time. That meeting was the shareholders meeting where the company’s (me) future, my future, was strategically planned, I was going to become the world's foremost leading expert on sharks.

Now this is where it starts to go wrong (Cue saddened and melancholy john Williams Leit Motif). Like every teenager who ever let their innocent mind wonder, I became attracted to those forbidden fruits that I was denied due to my prepubescence. Goodbye sharks, hello women, drugs, drink and very loud music. Five years must have passed in a haze of fucking around like a mong with teenage angst until one day I was flicking around the shite satellite channels and found the Discovery channel was running a shark week at the time. Those old flames of interest were starting to be rekindled once again and I found myself thinking with the knowledgeable authority that I once had, I think I even got a semi. It was like Maradonna coming out of retirement for one last game, he skins everyone and buries one in the top corner with the heel of his boot. But like Maradonna I was a mess at the time, my life had turned into a daily struggle just to get out of bed and I was stuck at college doing a very boring computer course which would fail to inspire a convict on Death Row. Did I do anything about my state of affairs after watching that program? Did I pull myself from the flames of disappointment? (Drum Roll) .............................. Did I fuck! I sat on my arse thinking I was better off as I was. What a wanker of cuntish proportions, that’s teenager’s for you.

Nine years later and I am on the other side of the world searching for a career and inspiration, to little avail I might add. Just as my demons seemed to be leaving me alone I flicked on the TV last night to see another shark documentary hosted by the very same lecturer who came to speak to my parents when I was 12. What are the chances of that? I’ve seen better odds given on saintly resurrection at pedophiles funerals. I have never felt so disappointed with myself, what could have been? Where would I be now? A restless night curtailed as all these questions and more plagued my dreams. So when I click on B3TA this morning and find this question, again my brain says what the fuck. I pointed my pan fried ponce towards the sky in a post intellectual conversation pondering manner and mused over the realisation that I am being truly fucked with from above, I am sure of it. So I have now given my confession to you all in the vain hope that this might be the start of a new captaincuntybollocks. Don’t hold your breath though.

Length- far to fucking long for any women to take.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 6:00, 1 reply)

oh my god!
you are the male version of me!!!

jaws is my all-time favourite film, i adore sharks, i watch shark week every year, i got kicked out of blackpool's sea life centre for making a twat out of the tour guide by asking him shark-related questions that he couldn't answer, i've even got shark teddies! i'm not into teddies, but people tend to buy me them. i've also been given a 6-foot inflatable shark and a tiger shark's tooth on a necklace.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:57, closed)