invisible motorbike
my mum isn't much of a drinker, but she used to like the occasional whisky. only one particular brand would do, however.
one night, whilst out with her friends, she went to the bar to get the drinks in. upon discovering that her favourite tipple was unavailable, she had a little think: what was it all the kids were drinking nowadays? oh yes, that's right, Diamond White. well, if it was good enough for them, she'd give it a go.
mum had never drunk cider before, but this stuff was going down like lemonade. if you've drunk Diamond White before, you'll know that it is deceptively strong, especially for the unwary.
after 3 bottles, mum was feeling decidedly merry. she and her friends followed their usual sunday night itinerary, which concluded with them meeting their husbands in my local, in which they all worked. by the time they got there, mum hah had 5 bottles and was well and truly shitfaced. after watching her almost missing her mouth with the 6th bottle, my dad had a word with the other barman on duty. "next time she asks for a drink, fill her empty bottle with water. she's pissed, she'll never notice." yeah, right.
there are 2 things my mum hates, being tricked and being ripped off. normally a placid woman, she became a small ball of fury when she tasted the bottle of water. almost launching herself across the bar, she grabbed the barman and yelled some very unsavoury things at him.
it was at this point that dad decided taking her home was a very good idea.
so it was that, at 1a.m, i opened the door to see my father, sniggering like a schoolboy at my incredibly inebriated mother, who appeared to be trying to kick-start an invisible motorbike. she was actually trying to step over the doorstep, without success. dad helped her inside and told me what had been happening, before saying he would get mum to bed. satisfied and amused, i went back to watching my film.
half an hour later, i heard a strange noise coming from the hallway. it was like a small dog growling. intrigued, i went to investigate. seeing that the downstairs bathroom light was on, i went towards the open doorway with some small amount of trepidation.
there, slumped upon the seat, pants around her ankles, was my mum. fast asleep and snoring.
when i finally stopped laughing, i fetched dad to help me decant mum into bed.
now, every time she gives me grief for being hungover or for an injury sustained from being fuckwittedly drunk, i remind her of this.
i'm NEVER letting her live this one down.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 18:40, 2 replies)

your mother sounds like a right cunt to be honest
(sonofstuj is exactly who you think he is, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 0:01, closed)

your mother
sonofstuj
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Fri 25 Feb 2011, 8:57, closed)