Mariolanzaman!!
For some years I used to frequent a certain pub in a less than salubrious area of my home city. Thre were the usual thugs and pikeys in there, they left me alone and I didn't interfere in their wasted lives. I realised one evening that I'd never been in there on a wednesday (free & easy night)so I decided to schlepp over to see what it was like.

It was that evening I met Mario Lanza Man.

He was standing at the corner of the bar, a tall rangy figre in a very good but ill-fitting suit, trying to catch anyone's eye. He had the most saggy face I've ever seen, imagine the offspring of a bloodhound, Clement Freud and the cartoon dog Droopy AFTER a massive stroke, you'd be pretty close.I asked the barmaid why everyone was avoiding this chap?

"'Cos he's a total fuckin' bore" she quipped.

I then spent a pleasant evening watching the various locals doing their party pieces. One guy played a song that I knew well and I made the mistake of looking at Mario Lanza Man whilst singing along. He made eye contact and lumbered over to me.
Standing in front of me, he put one hand on my shoulder and said in a deep, cultured voice "Mario Lanza was a light baritone."

He pondered for a second

"They made him sing tenor, and that's what killed him!"

"Oh" I replied, somewhat overcome by his biblical levels of halitosis.

He let go of my shoulder, turned and walked three steps and very noisily shat himself.

"Fuckin' typical" tutted the barmaid, "He's always doing that".


It wasn't until some weeks later that I thought "He's ALWAYS doing that!?"
And they let him back in?

I don't know who was the more eccentric, the staff or Mario Lanza man.


Boring, I know.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 18:45, Reply)