Sumo
21st birthday party. I had hired sumo suits. About midnight a friend did a flying jump onto me as I lay on the ground. Now, as you sit reading this, completely straighten and relax your leg. Wiggle your kneecap. Notice it no longer sits in its little crevice? Well, if 14 stone of sumo-suited Scotsman happens to hit the side of it while it's in that precise position, then your kneecap might well end up travelling about a third of the way round your leg. And that is what happened to me. It looked pretty much like this - www.kneeclinic.info/images/contribute/Dislocatedpatella.jpg (not me). Screaming agony, couldn't stand up with support let alone walk.

Quite rightly, the ambulance service considered me a low priority compared to the drunks in town glassing each other in the eyes, and I had to wait 90 minutes for the ambulance to turn up. But drunk I certainly was. Reeling drunk. Eventually the crew got me into the ambulance and started to administer plentiful gas and air to quell my incessant screaming. Boy did it do the trick, and I was reduced to good-natured swearing instead.

'Careful', joked one of the paramedics, 'this is a truth drug'.

'I've got a ten inch knob!*' I immediately riposted.

'Shut up, you're being obnoxious' said my Mum, who was sat next to me.

We got to A&E where they gave me even more drugs, and I was honestly completely off my tits. Several doctors and a nurse tried to relocate my kneecap, and when they couldn't do it they would just give me more drugs. It was my happiest birthday ever.

The final straw came when a doctor came and sat next to my leg and said 'I'm just going to feel your kneecap to see where it is laying'. The liar - I could see his knuckles turning white as he unsuccessfully tried to push it back in.

'I'm not hurting you am I?' he said.

'No' I replied, then turning to my mum and saying in a loud stage whisper 'he's turning me on'. The doctor's hands stopped immediately, and he walked off.

Next thing, and no doubt as a result, a consultant arrived with a team of medical students, a trolley of equipment tactfully covered with a cloth, and an anaesthetist who put me under completely, no doubt because they were fed up with me.

I guess my point is that I was an obnoxious (albeit good natured and non-aggressive) twat the entire time, and I got nothing but caring and friendly treatment from everyone who treated me - despite it being the middle of the night and my injury sustained in silly circumstances. I don't know if I would have been as patient as them.

*Gas and air is not a truth drug
(ricully, Fri 17 May 2013, 3:11, Reply)