My pussy needs to feed!
Back in the days when the farmer and I were a happy couple we used to hang out in a large group - most of us had been at school together and therefore knew each other's limits and secrets. This led to an ongoing prank war between Stuart - a fantastic guy (looked like a dark haired version of Steve McQueen but sadly, like McQueen, no longer with us...yeah, die young - stay pretty) and everyone else...

So we're all at a party hosted by Estelle (now a lawyer and always up for a laugh). The music is on loud, everyone is drinking, laughing and generally having a good time.

Stuart and the farmer slip outside for a fag. A plan is hatched...Stuart gets on his mobile phone and dials Estelle's house number...this is about 10 or 12 years ago so no caller display on her landline phone.

Estelle answers the phone, Stuart disguises his voice, tells her he lives down the street and asks her to "Turn that infernal racket down! My pussy wants to go out to feed!"

Estelle was renting the house and is an upstanding member of the community so she apologises profusely, gets off the phone and turns the music down as promised.

Stuart and the farmer come back inside deep in conversation about Stuart's latest motorbike (which sadly was to bring about his early and unnecessary demise). Stuart wanders over to the sound system and turns the music up - higher this time than it was before.

Estelle notices and calls over to him, "Stu! My neighbour has been complaining about the noise, we need to keep it down"
"It's fine. Tell your neighbour to piss off"
"But he says his cat can't eat it's food"
Stuart falls about laughing and turns the music up and then goes outside again, ostensibly to have another fag.

Outside he gets on the phone again....and the conversation was repeated but this time in stronger terms. Estelle did a sterling job of trying to placate her 'neighbour' and promised again to keep the music down.

This time she also asks her boyfriend, Oli, to keep an eye on the noise levels and ensure Stuart doesn't turn it back up....But Oli was in on this....

Again as before, Stuart comes inside, turns the music back up and laughs off Estelle's neighbourhood problems, despite her getting more and more upset.

Now he decided to get really evil....

Music turned up, he walks out again, Estelle turns the music down...the phone goes again...this time Oli steps in, "I'll speak to him"
Then a row of epic proportions begins....insults are hurled, accusations made, the guests look on horrified to see the usually jovial and friendly Oli offer to take apart the neighbour's pussy and shove it where the sun don't shine...and then, "Yeah, go on then, fucking call the police! I'm coming round to sort you out you bastard!"

Estelle was nearly in tears....and then...

Stuart walks into the house still on the phone,

"Don't you dare do that to my pussy!"

The look on her face was that of a scared rabbit in the headlights as she tried to make sense of what was happening.

Stuart was an utter evil bastard and very much missed.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 18:24, Reply)